Resolved

http://www.decibelmagazine.com

Well, it's New Year's Eve. And you know what that means: resolutions. Usually for me this means going to a friend's house for a New Year's Party, feeling awkward, hearing everyone talk about how they feel overweight and how their resolutions for next year are to loose weight and find their soul mate, and then feeling like a douche when you make a witty or personal resolution.

You can see why I'd be a little reluctant to make my own. But I'm going to. Because I know what I'm capable of and what I want. And I know what I want to challenge myself to do. It's not going to be anything simple or petty or what I think people want to hear or what my insecurities make me think. It's going to be legit :D So here we go.

1) Work Out: I don't mean loose weight. At all. I don't need to loose weight, goddammit. That said, I would like to feel more fit. I can't help wanting to get rid of my love handles and maybe feeling like I could be a ninja, work for Torchwood, or survive a zombie apocalypse (or at least, you know, run without hurting my pathetically weak ankles). Namely, I want to feel more bad-ass and build some more self-esteem. So gym time it is.

2) No more putdowns directed at myself: There are enough people out there putting me down each day without me needing to do it myself. I don't know where this whole negativism thing started (Catholic school humbleness gone wrong, too many friends who've ditched me, too many friends who have insecurities themselves and reverse it by slamming me) but there's no use for it. There's no reason to blame myself for things THAT WEREN'T MY FAULT. I know what my faults are. And they don't need to be over-analyzed or blamed all the time.

3) Write a goddamn novel: Self-explanatory. I've got two started right now. If I can finish at least one (not totally finish, but get an end and a solid draft) I will be pretty damn proud of myself.

4) Be What I Am: I'm already doing pretty well this but, you know, it doesn't hurt to remind myself to stick with it :)

So Happy New Years, world - I'm gonna sign off and eat some tacos and drink some champagne. See you in 2012!

Dynamic Duos

Okay, I had a minor freak-out Wednesday night about having a loose, festering flap of skin on my gums last night post-wisdom teeth removal but it appears that's all for naught. It was gone by Thursday morning and my jaw is beginning to feel much better - even if eating food is still rather difficult.

Being rather limited to my activities has allowed me to return to back to some good old reading - namely Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey/Maturin series. I've read The Mauritius Command and am working my way through Desolation Island. I'm a little disappointed at the lack of Diana Villiers but maybe that's for the best - she'd probably just make Maturin really upset (more upset at her than he already is now) and make me totally pissed off. So a little break from Villiers drama probably isn't such bad thing for the series.

One things I'm really glad to have back is the epic bromance that is Aubrey and Maturin's relationship (bromance is totally the wrong term for it, but there's only so many times in my day that I get to use it, so forgive me). Seriously, these guys have a fantastic friendship. The way they interact with each other is really amusing and, well, real. They're a really powerful duo, even if they don't always get along, and I think that's one reason I find the books so fascinating.

And being the Doctor Who geek I've become, I can't help comparing Captain Jack Aubrey and Doctor Stephen Maturin to Captain Jack Harkness and the Doctor from Doctor Who. Admittedly, I haven't seen A LOT of Doctor Who with Jack Harkness yet (only season one) but the interaction I've seen so far between the Doctor and Captain Jack is pretty fantastic. Also, picturing a cross-over between the two series is awesome - I think both Captain Jacks would have some pretty fun conversations (especially with Aubrey's tenancies of being a ladies' man, and Harkness being flirtatious with anyone and everyone). And both Doctors would have some pretty great discussions, I think.

Doctor, meet the Doctor. Captain Jack, meet Captain Jack. Let the weirdness of this moment commence.

(Side note - do you know how hard it was to find an picture of Jack in the Doctor together without them snogging? Rather more difficult than I'd presumed :P)

A Christmas Carol (and money murmurings)

Ah, feeling much less zombie-like today. I'm refusing to take pain killers, because I'm a freak, so I can feel the dull ache of where my wisdom teeth should be. And somehow that makes me feel better. Or maybe because I'm refusing to let myself sit on the couch and watch bad TV and feel sorry for myself. I am rather shocked by the fact that Vicodin does absolutely nothing to me. Seriously, I took some last night, hoping to knock myself into a pain-free state of unconsciousness. And nothing happened. I felt relaxed but my jaw still ached and I felt... well, as crummy as I had before. So I've no idea why people find Vicodin so addicting - it certainly does nothing to me.

That being said, I'm going to write an obligatory Christmas post. Because I had a totally rockin' Christmas. It was just with my parents, as it always is now - the drive back to Indiana during winter is a bad idea, considering that snow storms like to spring up out of no where (even if we did have a brown Christmas this year, Indiana still gets some crazy weather). But honestly, it's better with just my parents. No awkward "I don't know what to get you since I don't know you" instances. No feelings of injustice when relatives are not wowed by my academic prowess or year of accomplishments and would rather chat about small-town gossip. No pissed-off Mom and Dad spending the next few weeks being upset with their relatives or in-laws for being socially awkward and self-centered. So, really, staying home is much more in the spirit of the holidays.

http://freethoughtblogs.com

This year, for I think the first time in my entire life, I got everything I asked for on my Christmas list. Which is crazy - I mean, I asked for some crazy stuff - TV seasons, a bunch of books. No fancy electronics, but fairly expensive things. It's not like my parents have failed to fulfill my Christmas lists before. It's just that this one had lost of "optional" things on it - and I got those things too. I am now in possession of the entire released seasons of Torchwood (no Miracle Day because it's not out in the US yet) and Season 1 of Doctor Who (which I am forcing my parents to watch and they actually LIKE it. And I no longer have to keep trying and failing to describe what a Dalek is). I also am now in possession of enough John Barrowman CDs and books to officially be considered nuts. And my parents surprised me with nice pair of Celtic-style earrings. They know me too well :D It's sort of strange for me to get all of this stuff. I mean, I am an only child and thus may be on the verge of being spoiled. But, in a shitty economy, it's weird to see that money - at least for my parents - isn't a problem (my own expenses, of course, is another story). My dad admits to denying things for years because they don't want to buy on credit, but rather be able to buy with the money they have in the bank. And now that they are growing older, they aren't as worried about splurging and going all out for Christmas. I don't have a new iPod or a new phone or anything like that (mainly because I don't WANT one). But I do have a lot of nice things my parents didn't have to get me that I could have lived without - but got anyway. I feel like our gifts have gotten more expensive, more refined... and I don't know what that means. Yes, my parents have a lot more money now than they did when we first moved to Minnesota. They have a lot more money this year than they did five years ago. And it's a weird sort of situation I'm not used to. I mean, I spent two years of my life in a mobile home while my dad was in grad school. We weren't poor; we just didn't want to spend money we didn't need to when we had a place to stay (the lake home which belonged to my grandmother) while my dad was in school. I guess money has been on my mind a lot this year because of different expenses associated with apartment living and learning what my family's income is and with the OWSers screaming for the 1% to share their assets. And I don't know where I fit in this picture anymore. As an independent student with a very low income, well-off parents and a simultaneous desirous yet tight-fisted nature, it's hard for me to know where I stand. But I'm totally digressing right now...

Of course, Christmas isn't all about the getting but also about the giving. Which, despite my stress about getting something fabulous for my parents, worked out easier than I thought it would. I got my dad a nice tie and a set of whisky glasses. And I got my mom some decorative throw pillows and a nice purse (from Macy's - I actually found an affordable, nice purse at Macy's. It made my life).

But overall, things just felt... Christmas-y this year. This time of year brings out the Anglophile in me (I blame being in London for New Years in my sophomore year of high school. And J.K Rowling. And the British just being epic when it comes to celebrating Christmas) and, considering my absorption of British culture, there was plenty of that around me this year. But even going to Christmas Eve mass stimulated it - they had a Renaissance choir that sang throughout the mass. And yet... it's more than just feeling like things are more picturesque for Christmas (despite the lack of snow). My attitude is better in general. I feel more forgiving, more hopeful. More me. And it's a great way to end the year. Yes, I've been grumpy and blue for the last few days because I've had four teeth ripped out of my head. But overall, I'm feeling good. A fantastic way to end a rather exciting but tumultuous year. Which reminds me, I should start making my list of New Year's resolutions - and this year, they are going to ROCK.

I'm not feeling any wiser...

I have about a million posts I was hoping to write this week, but no such luck. I got my wisdom teeth removed yesterday and now my jaw is aching, oozing and just generally making my life miserable. Yay. So, hopefully in the next few days I will feel less like a crummy blob of injured tissue and will be able to return to my jovial blogging self.

But we'll see... Meanwhile, enjoy this photo. It's not me, but totally how I looked and felt yesterday. Stupid useless wisdom teeth...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com

A Little Something for the Solstice

Can't go wrong with some Mumford and Sons...

Inked

Well, I did it. After two years of flip-flopping. I finally got a tattoo.

HELL YES.

That is on my back. PERMANENTLY. And I couldn't be happier about it.

Somewhere, in between the madness that was the Christmas party drama and the beginning of finals, I thought about getting a tattoo again. I'd wanted to for my birthday, but I'd been doubting about what I wanted (a ship? something Celtic themed? something to remind me Scotland?). But I was doubtful of getting something Scottish, because I had the desire to actually get it done IN Scotland. But considering I won't be going back there any time soon and because I don't want to cause a conflict, being the odd American who wants something Scottish and seem like a dumb tourist, I just decided I should get what I want now. I'd been toying with a design like this, with the Celtic knots/ trinity theme (I wanted to get the Celtic trinity on it's own but couldn't decide on a style - there's like twenty different ways of drawing it). And I liked the English Tudor rose and thistle intertwined (the rose is a symbol of England, the thistle of Scotland, and they were combined together to represent the marriage of Margaret Tudor and James IV, I believe). However, when I saw this design, I knew it was it. It's not the Tudor rose, just a traditional rose - and also the national flower of the United States. Two birds with one stone there. Plus it's got the Celtic Trinity knot there. And it really represents a lot of things to me personally - the rugged, bristly, strong and confident attitude of the thistle and the sweet, elegant but thorny nature of the rose. And it's super cute.

The tattooing process itself wasn't as bad as I expected. It felt rather like a cat scratching a really bad sunburn. I didn't cry, surprisingly, and according to [Львица], I didn't even flinch. Although managing to fall on the ice and scraping/bruising my knee on the way to the parlor hurt far worse and distracted me somewhat from the tattooing pain.

Another major win was the price.[Львица] was telling me that a parlor on campus told her the tattoo she wanted would be around $300-$400 so I braced myself for a steep cost. But since the process took only about an hour and Uptown Tattoo only charges $150 per hour, it was only $150. One of [Львица]'s friends spent that much just to get one word tattooed on her. Did I get a hell of a deal from the best tattoo parlor in Minneapolis? I THINK YES :D

Despite the fact that [wolf woman] described my tattoo as  "cool how you combined the plants with the celtic knot" (plants? PLANTS?! THEY NATIONAL FLOWERS! R-E-S-P-E-C-T!) (and I also didn't actually "combine them" - I didn't make the design; that's giving me far too much credit) the reception has been really good. Even my dad likes the design and the placement of it. Although both my parents were totally cool with me getting a tattoo. Surprisingly cool. Though I suppose if I was getting it on my face it'd be a different story.


And I'm already thinking about getting another tattoo... some day. I had an offer from a friend in my Italian class to design something for me. And she does really cute cartoon-y type stuff so I'll have to take her up on that. I'm thinking something with teacups... or chipmunks. I think a chipmunk might be my spirit animal...

Randomness

I have survived the bulk of my finals (yay!), with only a social psych test (which I can use a cheat sheet on and already have pwned the class) left. So on that note, I would like to share a few random searches that have lead back to my blog.

- Nazi Vampires eating babies: I truly have no idea what this means. Seriously, I don't - something to do with Hellsing, which is a manga I haven't read... so still clueless. Sorry, guys.  I have a feeling such searches have arrived here, very disappointed.

- Byronic hero: Glad to see that one of my favorite character styles from English literature is oft searched after. Perhaps I shall do more follow up on this theme. Just in case would-be high school essay writers need some assistance.

- Nicholas Cage Vampire: Yes. Thank you, urban legends and my weird fascination in them for providing me with page views.

- Stephen Maturin: Ha! Someone else knows who this character by Patrick O'Brian. Win.

- The Producers Leopold Bloom Hysterics: It's really difficult to find funny scenes from this movie, especially this part of it. And according to [Львица], who searched this and ended up back at my blog, really the only available one is posted here. Cool beans.

- John Barrowman looking like Tom Cruise: This is personally my favorite. See, I am not alone in this realization.

http://www.prlookup.com

http://scifi.soentertain.me

Still weird. Will always be weird. And Barrowman will always be hotter.

Also, Tom Cruise looks like Zachary Quinto in this picture:

http://www.charlesayoub.com

http://www.tvpilotlight.com

 OH MY GOD TOM CRUISE STOP LOOKING LIKE OTHER HOT ACTORS. YOU'RE NOT THAT HOT...

Well, maybe he is... a little bit.

AHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO... God dammit.

The Joy of Finals

Yep. That time of year. My biggest accomplishment has involved developing how Leopold from Kate and Leopold could aid capitalism. And making this photo:

Right now I have to drive myself partially insane studying for an evil psych exam. So enjoy this in my absence.

Girls who like Boys who like Boys who don't like Bachmann

Here I am, trying so hard to NOT write another "I hate Michele Bachmann so much" post but have epically failed. I mean, things started off better. I was actually going to write about something I disagreed with in The Advocate. But then Rick Perry pissed off the world,  and I was going to start off there. But then [Львица] stumbled across this. And of course, it was back to Bachmann.

Here's the section I found appalling:

Bachmann warned The Lion King was Gay Propaganda: At the November 2004 EdWatch National Education Conference, Bachmann said the “normalization” of homosexuality would lead to “desensitization”: “Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

Basically, I'm going to let Stewie Griffin say what I feel about that. Because words alone aren't going to cut it.

 

I actually forgot that the quote ended that way until I made the pic. Thank you, Stewie, for creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Bachmann's attempts to keep America from normalizing homosexuality will just make people gay. Yes, that is exactly the point I wanted to make :P

Where I was actually going with this is I kind of loathe Michele Bachmann. It's not that I wish her ill. It's not that I actually want to harm her or any such thing. It's just... the things that she says makes me physically ill and I very much wish she wasn't saying them. Lemme put this in perspective for you.

Before I read this article, I came across one about John Barrowman (thanks to bloggingbarrowman on Tumblr). Now, as the entire universe probably knows by this point, I love this man to the point of being utterly irrational and insane (I'm sorry; he named a his Jack Russell terrier "Captain Jack." If that's not the cutest thing ever, then I don't know what is). Anyway, this article quotes many clever, wonderful things from Barrowman. But this is perhaps one of my favorite:

John is clearly in an impossible situation when it comes to his sexuality. He would like it to not be an issue. He says, 'I'm an actor. Not a gay actor. Is Brad Pitt ever described as a "straight actor"?'

Word. Point is, being gay is not the first thing a lot of actors want to be described as - for reasons we discussed in social psych. Say things like "male nurse" or "black lawyer" or "woman doctor" imply that they are outside the social norms and perpetuate stereotypes. So, using their sexuality as a reason they're better at what they do is... well, flat-out wrong. Or, as [novel killer] said about the subject on Facebook: "Does this mean that Bachmann does view gay people as more talented and thus that is why she seems to not like them? Because that seems to be the only way she could come up with that correlation." Agreed.

Of course, there's a problem with having these concerns so near and dear to my heart. While mentioning this about Bachmann to my dad this morning, the conversation went basically something like this:

Dad: "She's not going to win the nomination anyway, so don't worry about it."
Me: "Yeah, but she's not the only one saying stuff like this."
Dad: "Sure, but I'm more worried about getting four more years of what we have now. That'll really destroy our country."

When you're in an economic crisis, it's difficult to make something like human rights a priority - I sort of touched on this in my politics post. But like I said, I feel like I shouldn't have to choose. Candidates should care about both. But I digress...

And though I have been hating on Bachmann (a lot), something else Barrowman said in that article got me thinking about a TV show that has been troubling me of late:

He was famously rejected for the role of Will in Will & Grace, on the grounds that he was 'too straight'. He rolls his eyes. 'Because I like sports and I like cars, I'm not easy to slot into that "camp" box. To me, it is just pigeonholing. Too easy.'

He believes that the Will & Grace model is a perfect example of what is wrong with the way the big American networks portray 'gayness'.

'If that programme was true to life, Will would have a boyfriend. But they want to perpetrate the myth that he is waiting to be "cured".'

John Barrowman was rejected for the role of Will?! Wow... just wow. I kind of have a special place in my heart for "Will and Grace" because it was the first sitcom I ever seriously watched. And it was the first show I ever saw homosexuals on. But I gotta agree with Barrowman here. I remember one episode - the last episode I watched of it, actually - where Grace wanted to have a baby and for some reason she wanted to have Will's baby and instead of doing artificial insemination, they were going to sleep together. And I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" It seemed totally wrong to me. Let me have NPH explain why:

via the-slow-show.tumblr

There you go - how simple was that? Will is a gay man. Will would probably never sleep with Grace unless under threat of death - he's her friend, not her friend with benefits, boyfriend, OR A STRAIT MAN AT ALL. Within that moment, the entire show went from being kind of stereotypical but supportive of gay culture to being totally... awkward. I've never felt quite right about that show ever since. 

This is the whole reason why I don't like the term "fag hag" (and thus wrote that post about it) - because it in some ways insinuates that women who are friends with gay men just want to change him into a strait man and sleep with him (not necessarily in that order). That's not to say "fag hag" is always used that way. But that association is one of the major issues I have with it.

So, it seems the pic I used on my post for "fag hag" might be more fitting than I thought. There's some weird, complex stuff at work here - wanting to portray Will in a stereotypically gay way, but getting him to end up with Grace in the end. And making women who are friends with gay men just wanting to actually sleep with him instead of being friends. It's this weird, discordant... mess.

And to add to that mess, I feel like addressing people who keep saying stuff like "I'd totally sleep with [insert name of hot gay celebrity here] if he wasn't gay!" Partly, I feel like it could be too easy to slide back into the "wanting to turn him straight" mess (or have people declare that's what you mean). I also feel like it's not true. Honestly, I'm totally obsessed with John Barrowman because of who he is; I feel like if he were straight, he'd be an entirely different person. So girls out there who have a major crush on a gay man: it's okay. You want to sleep with a gay man. It'll never happen, but neither will sleeping with Brad Pitt. That's the way it goes.

So... this took me a lot longer to write than I thought it would. Mainly because of the Will and Grace tangent. And I still haven't gotten to that article from The Advocate. Dammit. Well, to be continued then...

Let's Get Political

Here's a pretty basic idea of how politics are thought of in the US:

http://blsciblogs.baruch.cuny.edu/luc/2009/11/rethinking-political-ideologies/

I, however, don't see politics in a straight line - I never have. So I've made this diagram to help describe how it works in my head:

It's sort of a work in progress, but that's the gist of it. Anarchists and Libertarians are kind of in the same boat - both like limited power. Dialectically apposed would be Fascism, so that's in the center - since it seems to be both a right wing/ left wing issue (or, since there's a debate about that, just for simplicity it's going there). And the rest, I think, is self-explanatory.

I also found this neat little graphic, showing that I am not the only person who thinks this way (damn, there goes my thesis, but at least I'm not alone in the world):

http://singularcake.blogspot.com/2011/05/political-fever.html

I like this diagram, except for the fact that fascism and monarchy are equated as the same thing (I feel like all Fascist governments have sucked big time and one could argue that not every king or queen was a bad. Also, may I point out that fascism is SPELLED WRONG). I also still think the libertarians and the anarchists have a lot more in common than they would like to admit. And I don't totally agree with where the circles are. But the basic concept is on the right track.

Of course, as soon as I make this diagram, I realize I have no idea where the hell I belong on it. The problem is, I'm never exactly at the same position all the time. On some issues, I'm pretty damn liberal (gay marriage! the environment! censorship! civil rights!) Other times, I am conservative (not changing shit that works fine the way it is! fix the tax code!) And then I get libertarian - or is it anarchist? (stop making government institutions that waste money/ oppress people/ don't do any good!) And then there's that streak of moderate in me (abortion! immigration! affirmative action!) And then there's stuff that I have really strong feelings about, but just don't fit any political party, exactly (bullying! education/ No Child Left Behind Act! privacy and the PATRIOT act! war! religion! science! fire arms! fucking WHY is some of this a political issue?!)

You get the idea. There's a lot of... stuff... that doesn't fit a political party. Thus voting in the coming election is not going to be very easy for me. I want a candidate who cares about the environment -but not to the extreme of shaming people who use Styrofoam once in a while, has good public speaking skills and an understanding of economics, history, language... okay, basically I want an interdisciplinary person who support the HRC and won't be a condescending douche after he/she gets elected. And who won't raise taxes so that college students and others are actually being paid minimum wage, not minimum wage before taxes. And I'd really appreciate it if he/she maybe wasn't a Democrat or a Republican since all they seem capable of doing is disagreeing with each other and then glaring at each other and slandering instead of, oh, I don't know, TRYING TO COMPROMISE.

Oh, politics - you are the most cynical thing in my life. I want to care more - I think working for a campaign or in DC would be incredible - but I just feel so... unable to discuss politics. Because we've gotten to the point where you can't just disagree with someone. A difference in opinion is an insult to you as a person, a danger to our country, a Fascist or Socialist or Anarchist threat. Politics are so emotional that if someone disagrees with you, you could end up hating them (thank you, Michele Bachmann, for proving this to me). Things that involve moral and personal concerns (abortion, for example) are suddenly the dividing grounds for parties. In this next election, I'm torn between wanting to support what I hear in college (OWS!) and what I've seen in my life (capitalism doesn't suck that bad if it's managed right!). Between what I know (capitalism has serious downfalls) and what I also know (has socialism EVER worked?!) I have to pit fiscal management against gay rights, attitudes towards education against separation between church and state, environmental concerns against taxes. When in my head they're all interconnected and should be able to WORK TOGETHER.

And thus I'm back where I started - trying to find myself on that circle of politics. Which has now just become a web of confusion. This is the result of telling your children from a young age to think critically - it is the best thing you could ever teach them. And also the worst :P

Strength

http://www.paulina.ws/

So [Львица] stayed up late last night, having a conversation about how I was feeling in regards to the situation with [X]. She told me to stop beating myself up and blaming myself for things. Along with many other genius thing, which I will attempt to briefly reiterate here.

Like how people who used to be shy (I am certianly one of those) aren't used to no one liking you; we're afraid of making enemies when it's time to say our own opinion. It's why [X] is afraid to say her opinions, afraid of what it's going to be like. Because she doesn't want to lose people. And it's the same for me.

But we're going to lose people. We're going to make mistakes. That's why regret exists in the world. We have to fight. Because it's sadder to let someone win without a fight

There is something to be learned from how [novel killer] acts - she doesn't concede. I wouldn't want to be that extreme (especially in light of recent events). But she at least what she gets what she needs to say out there. Otherwise, as [Львица] it's like a film on top of the water, with people not saying everything they want to say.

"I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did," [Львица] told me. She described to me how we're a lot of different people in our lives and, as we grow up, we have to let one go and it's like grieving for a person who's died. We have a fantasy of ourselves in our heads, a fantasy that [Львица] said she lived for eight years of who she could be. Yet she never touched who she was - she had no real idea. She was a soul untouched and the time to find out who she was had arrived. She likened it to idealizations of love - how after you really fall in love, you read books and hear music in a different way. You can think about what it will be like, but you won't really know until you know.

There's a barrier between us - a barrier of time and life. But you have to press up against the glass, to make it your own words, to make it your own.

http://tuttoinbiancoenero.tumblr.com

So it was with these thoughts that I started today. And started it very well, I might add. Until the shit hit the fan once more. [novel killer] has sent me a message about doing Secret Santa for the Christmas part and I told her this:

I think [X] is still in charge of Secret Santa, actually. [Львица] and I weren't planning on doing it.

And then she said:

All right. She said you wanted to be in charge, so I figured I'd ask.


And then I said:

Well, we just offered to let her have the party here and she misinterpreted it as us wanting to take over the party; we just wanted to offer our apartment as a venue. Sorry for the confusion
.

And then it ended up at this from [novel killer]:

Stop stop stop. No. [X] informed me last night that you had messaged her asking if it was okay if you did, and said said it was fine if you did, but she'd be upset about it but if some something she had to work out by herself. That would be you wanted to take over the party. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, so that's why I asked you this. And yes, she was upset, but it was more of because she'd been doing it for years.



Frankly I think everyone needs to get over their hatred for the little stuff. It's stupid. Everything's not about you (as in individuals). It's about together. [X] being upset about losing control is not about you wanting to take it over, it's symbolic of the fact that the times have changed and she's trying to deal with it. It's Christmas. I don't need this, no one needs this. I have familial stuff going on right now that's going to be a huge sour note during Christmas, so the last thing I want it to have a petty party with friends that I won't enjoy the company of because they're all being petty. And it's not just you. You'll probably take it that way and tell [Львица] and then people will hate me, but whatever. Just try to remember the things people do usually have nothing to do with you as a person. (That goes for everyone.) I would give everyone this speech, but unfortunately you're the message I got this morning and therefore you get the brunt of it.



I know you're not very happy with [X] for whatever reason, but you know what? Whatever it is, I guarantee it's a stupid reason. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's stupid. So you know what? Get over it. Everyone should get over their stupid things with each other and move on. Why? Not because it's Christmas. Not because we want to be the bigger person. Why? Because we're friends. And good friends should love near-conditionally. {I think she means non-conditionally.} Because people fuck up, and your friends are supposed to forgive you for it. Like if I yelled at you for an hour because I was so angry from outside sources and your little thing happened to be the thing that set me off? As a friend, I would expect you to forgive me without be having to say anything once we cooled down. Because that's what friends do. And we were great friends. Unfortunately college has separated us. And now we're not during the year, but we still should have that bond. And if we don't, why are we having Christmas with one another? Because if we're not friends enough to forgive each other of expressing opinion and not get catty and guilt-trippy, then we shouldn't have Christmas at all.



And that's the reason I haven't even posted on the Christmas thread yet. I wanted to see how this played out. And I hope my friends prove me wrong, but we'll have to see.



Also, thanks for completely ignoring [musical queen]. (note the sarcasm). I know she can be a handful, but she is our friend, and either you or [Львица], since you decided the date seeing as it's your place, could've politely told her that you can't have the party when she's in town because of [Львица] not being in town.



Anyway, I hope you give this some thought instead of taking it as [La Maga]-bashing and hate me forever instead of something our entire group needs to work on. (Except for maybe [foxy lady], and ha, ironically [musical queen] who has never passed judgement on any of you because she genuinely likes you.)


Needless to say, this kind of tore me up when I saw it. Okay, that's a lie. IT FUCKING DEVASTATED ME. This isn't the first time something like this had happened between [novel killer] and me though. She sent me a really terrible message on Facebook back in my freshman year, one that made me hate myself so much I actually toyed with the thought the thought of jumping of the Washington Avenue bridge because I felt like entire world loathed my guts. I don't think [novel killer] realizes how much power her words have - especially over me.

We didn't exclude [musical queen] from party plans - [Львица] talked to her separately. As for the rest of it... I don't know. She clearly blames me for everything that happened here - and then some. A lot of it doesn't make sense. How can she say my problems are just stupid without even knowing what they are? How can I non-conditionally care about a person when they write poisonous things like this and don't seem really reciprocate that? Why is okay for people to take out their cathartic problems on me but when I actually have a problem, it's stupid?

Beats me. I think it's crap. Really, I do. Despite how shitty I felt during social psych (which was ironically about female aggression, in which we discussed Mean Girls - which I'd actually just seen) I was feeling much less shitty and blame-worthy. I'm not gonna take it, dammit. I have feelings - I have rights. I am my own woman. And though I did what she expected I would - I showed it to [Львица], I don't hate her as a person. I hate some of the things she does but I don't hate HER. I'm just worried about her. Because this and what she was telling [Львица] isn't healthy. There's a lot of hate built up there and I'm worried for her.

Good thing is, I talked with [X] tonight and straightened some things out. We're back on friendly terms and I feel like we could be moving to a much stronger, healthier relationship. I hope so at least. And the funny thing about anger - once you get an apology, you can't remember why you were mad in the first place. This new bridge into... wherever....It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm going to find out what's going on with [novel killer] and I'm going to keep working to be the strong, fabulous woman I know I can be. I've seen it. I can do it.

I'm worth it. :)

Haters Gonna Hate

You know that post where I come back after all that negative stuff I said about myself and say I don't believe a word of it? Yeah, this is it :D

http://the-slow-show.tumblr.com/post/13844847302

More to follow.

Blue Christmas

http://pic.blackberryseeker.com

Well, [X] has done it now. She's now tainted one of the few sacred things I've got: Christmas.

Here's the deal: my group of friends have this annual tradition of having a Christmas party at [X]'s house every year. Although, because of insinuating circumstances, [X]'s family now lives with her grandmother and she doesn't feel comfortable/isn't allowed to have guests over. And, because I realized that I hadn't heard anything yet about a Christmas party, I messaged her about it. She wasn't sure whether she was up for it, but I told her that [Львица] and I were certainly interested and so she sent out a Facebook message about it. Because she said she couldn't have guests over, [Львица] and I offered up our place. She seemed okay about it, but when I did message her, she sort of flipped out. This was the message:

Me:
Hey, you seem busy and I don't want to pressure you into doing the Christmas party if you don't want to, so if you're not interested in doing it, Sarah and I would be cool just hosting a little get-together at our apartment. I don't want to take over the Christmas party from you or anything and we wouldn't do Secret Santa or anything like that; just dinner and hang-out-ness up here. Lemme know what you think.


[X]:
I don't want to sound like a bitch, but I want to be honest. It's really hard for me to turn over running the Christmas party to anybody, since I've been hosting it since I was in the sixth grade--before I even knew you or Sarah or most of the people who are invited to it now. It's been my way of giving my friends a holiday gift, hokey as that sounds. So not being able to throw it makes me feel really irrelevant.

(Some period of time later)
With that said, I'm not eleven anymore. I know that more people than me feel a sense of ownership over the concept of a "Christmas get-together" now and have every right to host it. And the truth is, I don't really have anything to give right now. I don't have a home to welcome anyone to. I don't have a lot of time or energy. I don't even feel like I have the right "spirit" to do this. So if you and Sarah want to host this get-together, then I'll honestly be okay with that. I may even be relieved. Just please don't think badly of me for not getting to the point of being absolutely ok with not hosting this immediately. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty by being honest with you, I just want you to see all my cards laid out on the table so that nothing gets bottled up to fester.


Me:
Okay, this is not what I expected at all and it makes me really sad. I think you, [Львица] and I need to have a talk about this.

http://mendokusee.deviantart.com/

So she called me and we talked. Sort of. I don't know why but every time I get on the phone, all of my gumption fails. Oh, wait, I know why. Because I'm a coward.

Yep, that's the truth. I'm a sniveling little coward. I can say exactly how I feel about [X] to [Львица] but when it comes to actually telling [X}, I hear her voice, that sound like she's on the verge of tears and suddenly I'm back to square one. I can't tell her that I'm pissed - though I did tell her I was upset and was audibly angry on the phone yesterday. But somehow, I just can't manage to find the words to tell her how I actually feel. Despite the fact that when her I read her message I was shaking and ended up taking out my rage gnashing Cheerios angrily and cathartically writing all kinds of poisonous thoughts for fifteen minutes. When she starts her talk about feeling unworthy of her friends and how bad she feels about herself and how she feels like all of her problems are insignificant and thus won't talk about them (which then makes them more-so - and more dangerously - important because they get all muddled up in stuff like this), it hits the little part inside of me that feels the same way and then I make my stuff unimportant so at least one person thinks her stuff is important (instead of having an equal, two-way street of a friendship). And then because I try to understand her and support her, I can't criticize her without her thinking I hate her - which she's pushing me to only through self-fulling prophecy. Because she thinks everyone hates her, I begin to hate her because I can't be honest with her. I don't hate her - I just want her think before she speaks, to want to change herself for the better. But instead, I don't tell her this; I just talk about her behind her back. Just like she does. In my inability to be honest with her, I become exactly what I hate about her.

And I don't know what to do.

Ironically, we were talking about relationships and aggression (two separate topics that accidentally overlapped due to too much material) in my social psych class on Monday, which was really too much. Sometimes, my psychology classes oddly mirror my life. What it did tell me was that I can't stay this way. I can't passively wait for us to finally grow apart or stick by her even if I get hurt. That's what I've been doing; it doesn't work and it feels wrong. I don't know whether it's best to try to actively work through our problems, because that would take time from her and she seems to damn busy to care about that sort of thing. Besides, I don't know if it's worth trying to work through and save. Which basically gives me one option: tell her it's done. She's pushed me too far away and that I'm done unless she steps forward herself. But that's not just something you can spring on someone. It's not like you can just break up with a friend (I dunno - maybe you can; I've never tried it). But I have so few friends these days, I feel reluctant to do so - because if I piss her off, I piss off everyone else who still talks to me from high school, [Львица] and [action is eloquence] and [uber gay] probably being the only exceptions. And [save the panzer]. Because fortunately for him, he has nothing to do with this shit.

So right now I just feel ansty and stressed and crampy because it's nearly finals time and I literally have cramps. Yay. But I know I can't stay this way. I mean, after I talked to [X] yesterday, I felt like a terrible person. She makes me feel bad about myself. And then "I am what I am" came on my iTunes and I started crying, because I couldn't have felt farther from what I am after that conversation. I was glad [Львица] called me to save me from wallowing in self-pity.

But bloody hell - IT'S CHRISTMAS. I shouldn't feeling bad about myself. I shouldn't put up with [X] totally misconstruing her friendships and, through trying to not make anything about her, totally make everything about her. I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE A PILE OF CRAP AGAIN. I was so happy before I got that message, thinking all about a holiday party (because I've never hosted a holiday party. Ever. In fact, I think I've only hosted six parties in my entire life). I want that carefree happiness back. Am I going to let [X] get me down. Not anymore. No, I shan't! It's Christmas.

http://my-girl-friday.tumblr.com/post/13713307091/no-i-shant-its-christmas

Reflections on Tea

[Львица] and I were watching American Psycho on Saturday night and, weirdly enough, one little dialogue bit about Sri Lanka gave me sudden deja vu.

I was suddenly reminded of a place called the Tea Room, in my old hometown of Columbus, Indiana. It was in the basement of this old hotel downtown that was either 1910 - 1920s or 1930 -1940s style that my girl scout troupe went to for one reason or another one sunny afternoon. I'd never had tea before and I was worried that I wouldn't like it because I expected it to be really bitter like coffee. But I really wanted to like it because I liked the whole idea of drinking tea - I'd had a plastic tea set that I played with a million times when I was six and seven (which probably helped influence my obsession with Britain). So I was hoping beyond hope that I would enjoy real tea - not just the milky water I'd made before.

science.howstuffworks.com/innovation/edible-innovations/tea

The tea was from Sri Lanka, I distinctly remember our host telling us this and showing us where on the map it's located (ever since, Sri Lanka has held a certain sort of charm with me). We were served raspberry tea in this elegant little tea pot along with little cookies (or do you call them biscuits? :D) and I think - I think - cucumber sandwiches.

The tea was the most fabulous thing I'd ever tasted on earth. I have tried to find a raspberry tea that tasted as good as what I had that day, but I've been unable to find anything that could compare. It wasn't too sweet or fruity or too bland or too... anything. It was absolutely perfect. I fell in love with tea that day - and the whole culture and art associated with tea drinking - and I've never looked back.

Another thing I learned that day was that I have an odd affinity for certain time periods - the Victorian Era, the 1910 through 1940s. There's just something about that style, the history, the clothes - EVERYTHING - that just draws me in. Even as a ten year old, I was wandering around that hotel, peering into one of the rooms they showed us, just wanting to live there, to become a part of it. Maybe this is why time travel interests me so much - because I have all these little qualities, all these little fascinations with other time periods built up in my mind, and seeing them brought to life in literature, in film, etc, utterly enchants me.

On a sadder note, while trying to find photos of the Tea Room, one website said that it is now closed :( Just like so many of the other things I loved about Columbus. Alas... Thankfully, there are many tea rooms around (especially one I long to go to in Glasgow, but didn't have the chance while I was there) and I can easily enjoy tea in my own kitchen (as I'm doing now). But it will never be as magical as that first taste, that first cup in the Tea Room.

I Should Just Become A Lobbyist

The time has come for me to continue my gauntlet-throwing. Unfortunately, I must attack Michele Bachmann. I'd say I feel bad about it... but I don't. Truly, she really needs to think before she speaks.

Thanks to the Advocate, I found out this article. Along with this video:

Yes. Michele Bachmann has once again wonderfully avoided answering a serious question. Rather than talking about her views on gay marriage, she just reiterates that gay individuals can get married as long as it is a woman marrying a man and a man marrying a woman, as that is the law in our country. It's also the most goddamn stupidest response I've heard yet.

Also, she doesn't even know what a GSA is. My God... I fear for the world.

Also, does anyone else get this weird vibe about her wording like she could be alluding to gay Americans not actually being citizens or am I being too anal about trying to out her as a nutjob? Because I'm really starting to loathe this woman. I respect you, no matter your political platform, as long as you show equal respect. This woman thinks she knows it all - and is totally, totally condescending.

Anyone else also concerned that people are actually APPLAUDING what she is saying?

And I'm not even going to try and tackle what she says in the second half of the video. It would be in all caps and it would only end in tears.

Here is what I think Michele Bachmann's problem is: I don't think she realizes that HOMOSEXUALS ARE REAL. It's like she's in denial that gay men like men and gay women like women. A gay man is not going to marry a woman because... oh my God, do I really have to describe this? WHY DO PEOPLE STILL HAVE A HARD TIME ACCEPTING THIS?! I mean, c'mon people - I didn't know homosexuality existed until I was thirteen or fourteen. When I did learn about it, it made exactly as much sense to me as heterosexual relationships did at that time (because then, I couldn't understand why ANYONE wanted to have sex, because after learning about it via sex ed, it sounded totally nasty. Thank you, public school health class). So there was never any inequality there in my mind. Ever. I just... I just don't get it. They're people... who love people. End of story. And people who need people are the happiest people in the world. Thank you, Funny Girl.

Here's a pictorial representation. Michele Bachmann is on the left. I am on the right.







So that's where we are on this whole issue.
And in other news....

Thanks to this blog I found this article about Chick-Fil-A totally not supporting gay couples. As you probably know, Chick-Fil-A is known for having deep religious ties (and not being open on Sundays). Now their charitable outreach group, Win-Shape, has come out and said they have deep anti-gay ties too. (Fun fact about Win-Shape: I was trying to remember why their name sounded familiar and I realized it was because of an incident I researched, involving an exorcism at a southern college, and that the kid who performed the exorcism was a Win-Shape scholarship recipient. So yay for that weird tidbit).

Guys, just... seriously?

What I want to know is, how is gay marriage different from inter-racial marriage? I mean, think about it... if you're for inter-racial marriage (and if you're not - ufta, that's gonna be a problem) then I just don't understand why you wouldn't support gay marriage. And the religious explanations... people do realize that the Old Testament sections were probably more focused on making sure they had adequate population growth than with men loving each other, right? The whole "men lying with men" was probably more of a problem because they wanted children to carry on their community and thus men not procreating was kind of a pain. And that the texts have been translated and stuff. And that God didn't sit down with a pen and write it... it was written by men. Also, if you take the Bible literally, you can't eat shrimp and you're cool with stoning people. And if you're really practicing what you preach, you believe that God loves everyone equally - no matter what. And that he makes no mistakes. So, yeah... Just saying.

Now that I've just ostracized myself as a heretic (you know, that's a word you don't here much any more - heretic.)... anyway, now that I am a twenty-first century heretic, I am going to consider becoming a lobbyist for the GLBT community. Because it would be fucking awesome. And I've already proven that I talk about this stuff forever. So win-win.

To Myself, In the Future

Hello Future Me,

I certainly hope that, wherever you are in space in time, that it is not in a little apartment infested by centipedes and mice. Or some place worse. I have decided to write this little post because I feel suddenly struck by a fear of making mistakes that are not worth making - not the good sort. And I would like to try to provide you with a source of some perhaps helpful advice in lieu of the insanity that certainly lies ahead.

First off, I have no idea what you will be doing in general. Hopefully it will not involve being a hobo. Regardless, whatever it is, do it with passion. Don't give in to doing something safe just because you know you can do it. TRY NEW THINGS. The worse that can happen is that you will fail, and we both are plenty familiar with that.

I will never be this cool. But goddamn, I can try.

Of course, I'm going to bring up relationships. If you remember, I'm on the edge between being a full-blown romantic and a nihilistic hermit. So, I'm hoping things are a little more steady on your end. If you're queen of the Ryan Gosling Swagger (à la Crazy Stupid Love), kudos. If things suck, keep a stiff upper lip. Remember what it was like to not understand love, to not even have any experience with it. To wonder why you saw so few relationships work out, why everything seems so simple, until you become part of one. I know I sound down about it all but I'm just showing - you knew more than you thought you did. Don't sweat it; it'll work out. I believe it will.

If by some strike of fate you find yourself in a long-term relationship, don't take it for granted. Just don't. And if by some terrible, incredible miracle you have children, remember not to be too hard on them when they act up. Growing up is tough - it might seem long ago, but I remember it pretty well. It's brilliant and brutal. And whatever your kids do, you probably did once too. Don't blame them too much for their mistakes, economic troubles, mistakes you made. They'll listen... maybe too well.

Wherever you're living, I hope it feels like home. I know when you were younger, you likened yourself to a turtle - adaptable, movable, able to fit in anywhere. Know that I'm glad you had that adaptability but that you shouldn't be afraid to put down roots. No one belongs here more than you.

Fresh off a 21st birthday, I had some crummy feelings in the days shortly before. It got me worried, it got me thinking. I hope you're strong and confident - I hope that I'm establishing that now. I hope you still have a warm fuzzy feeling for sci-fi shows and Broadway plays, and a penchant for shortbread, Earl Grey tea and Nutella. But most of all, I hope you look back at all of this and don't regret a thing.

Now We Walk In Beauty

Wednesday night I was feeling very down about the world... for evident reasons. I was going through that "why do these sort of things have to happen to good people?" phase. This is the second death of someone in November whom I've known and was a much better person than I am (the other was a classmate of mine, the nicest girl I ever knew, who died far too young) and it just seems incredibly unfair.

So I was in a low mood and had to go to band practice for a rehearsal. Playing made me feel better, as it always does, but when I came out of the music hall, it was snowing - giant white fat flakes falling on the ground, glimmering in the city lights. Suddenly, I felt less broken-hearted and more at peace.

I took a longer route home, walking across the Washington Avenue Bridge instead of the 10th Avenue to enjoy the snow. I walked down University, passing a Baptist church. For some reason I glanced at the event sign that's out front, which read "Now We Walk In Beauty." I don't believe in coincidences - all the nights I could have gone a different way, could have not looked up, could have ignored the sign. Those words couldn't have been more fitting and more inspiring. So on I walked in beauty, realizing why I believe in something more than myself. Because every time I feel alone, discouraged, grief-stricken, something like this happens. It snows, and I can see the beauty in the world again.

http://www.djibnet.com/photo/flour/viking-purple-united-states-minnesota-minneapolis-skyline-at-night-5204556316.html

Another Loss at Day's End

http://www.thesutherlandcenter.com

Today I found out that David Shouse, one of my dad's closest friends and former bosses, died. He had ALS and was predicted by doctors to die years ago - but he didn't. He had one of the greatest attitudes of anyone I've ever met, even after he was confined to a wheelchair and was paralyzed from the neck down. I hadn't seen him for a few years, but I knew that he was nearly completely paralyzed and unable to speak. My dad did send this email to me on November 10th that David had sent out:

Well, a 5 day hospital turned into 19 days in ICU and acute care. Patti [his wife] lived there for over a week, reading my lips for the staff, checking the meds they gave me and learning about the ventilator system.

We are now home and it is much better. Patti does a great job handling all aspects of the vent. Courtney [his daughter] was also trained so she can provide some backup when she is available. We will have to find someone to help on a regular basis so Patti can go to the store, etc.

It was a bit overwhelming at first. Our routines are complicated by having to maneuver all the vent gear without unplugging something, like my breathing tubes! Check the attached photo for an idea of all the new stuff. Day by day, we are figuring it out.

Courtney was on fall break, so she stayed with us when we first got home. Patti's brother, George, then came from DC for over a week. He was a huge help in figuring out solutions. He got my computer to mount on my chair, plus a dozen other household chores that were long overdue.

All in all, we are making progress. Patti is very good at reading my lips, that's a good thing because we decided yesterday that I will not get the type of trach that allows me to speak. I don't have enough air volume available in my lungs. Oh well....

all for now, (this took me 3 days to type!).

david

I cried when is saw this. Partly out of sadness that such a good man could be so ill. And partly because he's one of the most incredible people I've ever met. To be this positive in such a situation is mind-blowing.

My parents and I had literally just been talking about him over my birthday or Thanksgiving. Without David, what my life is now wouldn't be possible. Seriously. He was the one who offered the job to my dad that brought us to Minnesota and changed everything. I know it may sound strange, but in a sort of butterfly affect way, this one little thing really did change my entire life. By moving here, I went to a different school, got a better education, decided to go to college, had the chance for so many different opportunities (musically, academic, travel) that I would have never gotten otherwise. One small thing made all the difference.

And while my heart is breaking that this wonderful, fantastic man is gone from our world, I want to just thank him for everything he did for me and my family. It really means a lot to me, and he will be missed greatly.

St. Andrew's Day

Yep. Today's St. Andrew's Day, the feast day of the patron saint of Scotland. Let the flashbacks begin...

Glasgow... you are so close, and yet so far...

Me of Many Moonstruck Meanderings

I saw this in one of my psych books and love it for unknown reasons.

So I realize that in my long word vomit about my friends' relationship experiences, I failed to talk about any of my own. And if I'm going to tell all about my friends, it's only fair that I do the same for myself. Of course, there's really not much to discuss. But then again, maybe there's more there than I think. So, being a creepy psych major, I'm going to talk it through and come to... some sort of consensus. All for the benefit of those publicly judging me.

I guess I could start at the beginning, in preschool, when I'm pretty sure I had a crush on a kid named Jordan (one easy way to tell if I have a crush - I talk about the person A LOT). But then he tattled on me for playing with clay during storytime and, though our teacher said it was fine, it was like he knew my real intentions (I had it because I wanted to take it home with me because I didn't have any clay at home. But then I left it under a dining room chair and it got all dry and useless. One of the only two times I've stolen in my entire life - and both times were an epic fail. But I digress...) Anyway, I never really forgave Jordan for his betrayal. Not the most positive start, eh?

I had a crush [quick disclaimer - I wouldn't really regard these as crushes because I didn't recognize them as such until much later. In fact, I don't think I ever recognized I really liked a guy in a romantic-sort of way until high school. It seems the late bloomer thing is a common theme with me] on a kid named Michael in 3rd or 4th grade until I moved. And then there was an awkward incident with a boy named William. Girls seemed to know more about him than I did, but I once heard a rumor that in second grade he forced a kiss upon one of my friends (but I never asked her about it because I felt like it was inappropriate. And because I'm awkward enough regarding small talk). One rainy day, we were stuck inside for indoor recess and playing some game that William wasn't happy with. He wanted me to play something else, but I didn't want to. So he tried to coerce me through pleading and inching his hand up my leg. I was wearing a skort or a skirt or something and so part of my thigh was exposed. Once his hand got there I was totally freaking out and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what he was doing, I don't know if he knew what he was doing, and it was definitely not making me any more willing to play with him. He finally stopped touching my leg (probably when it looked like I was going to start crying) and left me alone and I was relieved. I however was terrified of him for the rest of my time at that school.

That probably sounds like the perfect place for someone like Doctor Phil to be like, "See, that traumatized you and scarred you and changed you." I don't know if it did. Honestly, I've never told anyone about that before. Maybe it did. It never really troubled me - well, it troubled me, but I never really thought about it as possibly, you know, important to my psyche until I started studying psychology. It's probably not. It's probably just an awkward, uncomfortable growing up experience. Did it have much of an impact? Who the hell knows...

Then the move to Minnesota. Despite like half of my friends and my grandmother's belief, I never had a crush on [uber gay]. I just didn't. He annoyed me at first, actually. I did have a crush on a guy named Ethan, who moved to California and I never saw him again. He deserves more than this simple sentence, but I was twelve, so... not really much to say.

AND he's a Celtic fan? Goddammit... (from people.com)

And then in junior high I met [Broadway baby] and became really good friends with him. He was the closest guy friend, other than [uber gay] and maybe Michael, that I'd ever had. And then in high school, for our first homecoming dance, he gave me an corsage, an "extra one" that he said he'd had, even though my parents were convinced he bought it on purpose. It was the only time a guy has ever bought me flowers. I realized that I might just have a crush on [Broadway baby] in sophomore year. The same year he came out. Alas.

Somewhere between 8th grade and freshman year of high school I had my first star crush, on a Scot no less. Thank you, Gerard Butler, for making the Phantom of the Opera ridiculously sexy. You were supposed to have a scarred appearance,  you were supposed to a crazy murderer. And yet you were still hot.

Then there were the awkward high school years, which I'd rather not talk about but probably don't have a choice (actually, I do, but this is my blog. And I have this whole honesty bit going on...) I had some weird celebrity crushes (Jason Issacs, Hugo Weaving, Heath Ledger only after I'd seen him in The Dark Knight), some random comedy infatuations (looking at you, Stephen Colbert and Craig Ferguson) and other various actor obsessions (Hugh Jackman, Colin Firth, Paul Bettany). And then I saw Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge and my life was forever changed. Or ruined. I'm not sure, exactly.

Also amongst high school were weird awkward feelings of I-don't-know-what for a teacher or two. It was probably more intense admiration but I didn't know how to process it and thus stupidly told [X] and [novel killer] about one of them at the end of high school and thus became known for having a thing for authority figures. It was not an encouraging step towards actually talking about my feelings.

But wait, I'm forgetting something... there was that week at a summer music clinic at the University of Wisconsin, where one of my instructors was an opera grad student in music, specifically opera. He was gay, I'm pretty sure, but I couldn't help getting a tiny crush on a guy who can tell you the plot of Tosca in modern, exciting terms and then sings fantastic tenor solos at the class's urging. Between this and McGregor, I think I have a thing for vocalists.

And I'm totally forgetting a whole thing with [hahahaha SHUT UP] which I've never really spoken about. That deserves discussion... but probably not here. Because it would take far too much discussion and explanation.

Then college. Star crushes on Michael Fassbender and Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterd. And on James McAvoy after Becoming Jane. And obviously John Barrowman... because of reasons.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because last year I fell hard for one of my instructors, [tedesco]. I was pretty much in love with him. As much as you can be with someone you don't know super well, someone who's older than you and will never reciprocate what you think you feel. I say think because it's actually hard for me to recognize that I felt that way about him now. [X] had an nice little explanation for this when I talked to her about it, after I'd fallen for [No-Mr-Darcy] which you can experience here. I think I was just happy to find someone to talk to in a new major, who was cute and funny and not afraid to say what he was thinking, even if it was awkward and I disagreed. I think it was just nice to meet a guy who actually liked deep, intellectual conversations.

And just as the school year ended and I was trying to work through my feelings regarding [tedesco], I met [No-Mr-Darcy]. It was honestly the first time I had a crush on someone who was my age since [Broadway baby]. It was the first time I actually felt NOT scared to tell someone how I felt, given the right time (though that never came). But I don't have to tell you all about that. You can read it all here. And here. And pretty much anything in August or September.

So that's that. There you go. We could do this by terms of firsts, but I don't know if that's a good way to approach my life. As my first serious crush that wasn't on celebrity wasn't really until... senior year of high school. And my first date was a non-date with [No-Mr-Darcy] that ended with a hand shake. And my "first kiss" was an awkward cheek peck from [hahahaha SHUT UP]. And that William and the random neck licker from Friday Night Paint Fight and [slightly pansexual, mostly annoying]'s backrub are the most intimate any man has ever been with me (and two out of the three were totally unwanted... and the back rub was grudgingly accepted. Actually, [slightly pansexual, mostly annoying] might actually have a bit of finess for back massage on awkward trips from an apartment to the Saloon while his friend [save the panzer] is currently trying not to turn around and strangle him. But I digress). And then there was the forced cuddling from [one-complicated-lesbian] who was distraught to find that I had never cuddled with anyone before, even with a friend, and then forced me to experience it in a bunk in our Fort William hostel. God, that sounds bad. It was nonsexual, but still totally awkward. (How do I get myself into these situations? Really?)

See what I mean? It sounds really bad - like the plot to some comedy-drama.  It sounds even worse when you've had a bad day and the weather sucks and you can't sleep and you're home all alone and you feel crappy and you think you're going to be alone forever. Which is an assumption. And a stupid assumption. So fuck that. Seriously. Yes, I have a zero relationship experience. Yes, I am a total romantic who has no notion of what modern dating actually consists of. But something will work out. There are 7 BILLION PEOPLE on this planet. 7 BILLION. Somewhere out there, there has to be someone else who's not a royal jerk, who isn't socially awkward, who isn't trying so hard to prove his manliness or show how smart he is or just get in some girl's pants. Who's just comfortable being who he is. Am I really that naive to think that not all my romantic notions are false? But really, I'm not asking for this:

http://www.doodlekisses.com/forum/topics/things-to-do-if-the-lights-go-out-during-the-hurricane?page=9&commentId=2065244%3AComment%3A2673482&x=1#2065244Comment2673482

I don't want that. That freaks me out. And it just seems... false. I'm just asking for this:

This has been another romantic musing by the Vulture. I beg your indulgence.

Side comment: I just remembered another star obsession I had: Rupert Everett. Ah, yes... Thanks to him I now a fan of Oscar Wilde. For the win.

Whovian

I realize the more I tweak my blog, the move Doctor Who-obsessed it becomes. I mean, the "Captain's Log" tab has been like that since before I watched Torchwood. And then, after I started watching Torchwood, I decided to add the photo on the Cast of Characters page just for fun because I liked how it fit the whole idea of people I know. And then I started watching Doctor Who, ended up changing my personal description, the blog description, and now have changed "followers" to "companions." Oh, not to mention the page that doesn't exist to expel my obsession for Jack Harkness/ John Barrowman without creating a thousand posts. And of course the Tumblr link, on which I reblog lots of Who stuff (and does nothing to help alleviate my possible stalking of Barrowman... I am so, so sorry for you, sir.)

By the end of the year, if this isn't merely a Doctor Who fan blog, I'm going to be proud of myself for keeping my mania in check. However, it will be a "culture and Doctor Who and how they're totally connected!" mash-up. It already is. Because I'm starting to think that Doctor Who = life. Or it's at least relevant to so many things I feel like talking about. And it has great gifs. And I freaking love the show.

So there you go. Enough talk. Time for Captain Jack to make a kind of vague, not-quite-appropriate gesture...

http://doctorwhogifs.tumblr.com/post/1212704498

YES.

Thank you. That is all.