I had forgotten how much I enjoy being onstage. Not onstage in the theatrical sense - I've never done that, actually. But being onstage in a musical sense. There's something about sitting underneath all of those lights, with the prim black stands and perfectly aligned rows of chairs with a collective group all wearing black that's...purely magical. It's one of the few times where I dress up in my life, in a dress and hose and heels and don't stand out as over-dressed. There's something so regal, so artistic, yet so simple about concerts I always love experiencing. It makes me wish all parts of rehearsal and music studying were so grand.
When I started college, I'd come here to be a music major. It's easier for me to forget that now, after a year away from band and now that I've stopped taking flute lessons. But I very much wanted to be a music teacher. I actually really, really wanted to be a good enough to be a performance major, in order to play in a pit orchestra, as that had been my favorite part of performing in high school. But I knew I didn't have the talent for that. So I thought going for a music education degree would be easier. I was wrong of course - it takes talent, and fortitude and a hell of a lot of patience. And a music department that gives a damn.
I'm sure the U has a great music department... somewhere. It did, several years ago. But now... I don't know. I went through the audition process here to join the School of Music and found it very... not what I was expecting. There wasn't a focus on growth; there was a focus on perfection coming in. Which I felt was all wrong. Music isn't about perfection, it's about working through changes, practicing, arriving at greatness. Not all of us should have to be instant prodigies. But I felt that's all they wanted - prodigies. Not to mention they totally messed up - one of the people who was supposed to watch my performance part of the audition couldn't make it, so they taped me (something I had thought was NEVER supposed to be done for an audition) in order for the professor to watch me later. Except I think something went awry there, because after six weeks, I hadn't heard whether I'd been accepted or not. I emailed the school and they said something about the tape not being watched yet. Then two weeks later I found I hadn't been excepted. I didn't want to at this point; I hadn't been treated very well by the school's faculty. But it was like adding insult to injury.
I'm still quite bitter about it and things are just strange now, playing with the bands here. It's different, now that I'm not playing for a career - better, actually, as I'm a stronger player now. But there's less incentive for me to take band, especially as the music is far too easy for me and it's just not the same experiences as I had in high school (I'll never have a director better than the one I had at Lakeville South; it just won't happen. Trust me). But for a moment, the magic and wonder I have of making music returns during the concerts... the sort of magic I get when a curtain rises on a play, when a movie begins. The moment a creation is unveiled to an audience, an audience that could hold anyone in the world. I'm not doing this justice but I wish I could put into words what I feel when I walk onstage, the lights glimmering off my silver flute and my pathetically pale skin. If I could just explain it, maybe then I could start to understand why it means so much to me. Because I know, even though I don't enjoy band much anymore and loathe having night classes, I still feel drawn to have concerts and to perform. It puts me in a quandary. But perhaps, for the sake of music, it's worth it.
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