Byronic Heroes, Fandoms, and Benedict Cumberbatch.

Benedict Cumberbatch.

I love this name. I could say it all day.

I first saw this actor in a film called Creation, which features Paul Bettany as scientist Charles Darwin. I had no idea what Cumberbatch looked like, who he was or really anything about anything and so I don't remember what part he played; I just saw his name in the credits and I was like, "Sweet ass name! I wish I could use that in a book. But probs can't; 'cause he's famous."

Seriously, I am so cute and dumb sometimes in my cluelessness. Actually just dumb.

And then I got a Tumblr and then I realized Benedict Cumberbatch is in fact very, very famous and plays Sherlock Holmes on the BBC show Sherlock. And then I realized that I cannot believe that a TV show, portraying Sherlock Holmes in the modern age, has been on for two seasons and I was just now realizing it existed (in my defense, it's a BBC show. And I don't have cable. Or live in the UK). So I of course had to watch it. Which I did, very luckily finding the first episode, "A Study in Pink" on PBS (for free! You go, PBS).

OH. MY. GOD. I know people on Tumblr obsess of this show like there's no tomorrow. And now I see why. IT IS INCREDIBLE. Seriously, I feel like someone reached into my head, dug around for how I envisioned Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson, put them in the 21st century and made it all PERFECT.

I know, I know. I'm being a total fan girl after seeing only one episode. I'd apologize but I'm not sorry. However, I would like to explain that this all has a perfectly understandable source. His name is Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. And created the first fandom.

You see, back when Doyle (WHO WAS SCOTTISH!!!)'s stories first came out in the late 1800s via serial magazine, people got pretty attached. I mean, I think it's perfectly understandable: Holmes is logical, able to solve any case, eccentric, and totally BAMF. Also, he's not so perfect - he's got a bit of a drug habit, is arrogant, not so tact, and admits himself that if things were different, he'd probably be a serial killer. Clearly, the public then agrees with me - Byronic heroes are FUCKING AWESOME.

But the Doyle got tired of writing about Sherlock Holmes. So, trying to write himself out of this quandary, he decided to pen a story in which Holmes is killed by his nemesis, Moriarty. If your favorite character has ever died in any TV show/movie/novel, you can imagine how people reacted.

They, of course, flipped a bitch.

So Doyle had no choice but to resurrect the brilliant Holmes and cleverly find a way he could have survived. And there you have it - the first fandom.

You can probably see why I like Holmes, what with my penchant for Byronic heroes. He's tied with Edward Rochester on my list of hottest fictional characters ever (but I didn't just admit that). Add that to murder mysteries meets science and logic pre-CSI and it is pretty much the most fantastic thing ever. I have read every one of these stories/books twice (except for "A Study in Scarlet," which I just reread a week or so ago, so that makes that one three times read). I've been a total Sherlock Holmes geek since I was 15 or so, and I love how popular Holmes has become (again) in the last few years. I mean, there's a Holmes museum here at the U! (why in Minnesota, I've no idea, but I really have got to check it out some time). Plus there's the Robert Downy Jr/Jude Law Sherlock films, which are pretty good, and a Masterpiece Theater movie with Rupert Everett I saw ages ago which was good too. But I think Sherlock hits the mark best: yes, it's modern, but something about the dynamics between Holmes and Watson, the way the mysteries unfold, the vibe of the tale - it just works. And the way it reflects the original stories is very, very clever.

Also, I feel I am being slowly sucked into the legions of fan girls swooning over Benedict Cumberbatch, obsessing over his eyes, his cheekbones, and declaring that they will marry him (because, somehow, unlike most celebrities fan girls pine after, he is not married). I'm sorry you have crazy fan girls, sir, but you're gorgeous, you're talented, and your voice... Your voice... Here is how Urban Dictionary describes it:

he...has a gorgeous voice 'like a jaguar hiding in a cello'

This is not a lie. Seriously. He's got the same sort of vocal timbre that Alan Rickman has. Which is pretty much amazing.

So there you go: between Doctor Who, Torchwood, and Sherlock, I think I should have enough Byrnoic heroes to obsess over for quite some time. And another British actor to add to my list of favorites - seriously, like 85% of that list contains British or Irish actors. That should tell you something, Hollywood :P (Am I still passively-aggressively upset that Michael Fassbender didn't get nominated for an Oscar and this year is Gary Oldman's first EVER nomination? Oh yeah). But I digress.

Moral of the story: Watch Sherlock. And help me come up with ways in which to say Benedict Cumberbatch in everyday conversation. Because I really freaking love his name.

Doubt, Blogging, and Life

Sometimes I don't know why I write this blog. Here lately I've begun to wonder if it's just a waste of time. It's not academic, nobody really wants to hear me talking about my life, how great I think Torchwood is, how I'm obsessed with British culture and Byronic heroes. Sometimes I wonder why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.

This, of course, comes up because I'm terrified that I'm doing things wrong. My whole life, I've worked for I don't know what... and it's terrifying to recognize that. I'm here in school, basically marking time now until I graduate and trying to find things that set me up and make me look distinctive for an internship that I, until recently, have only dreamed about getting. Well, am still dreaming about getting. I can see it in my own reality... it just seems too fantastic. I think of it as the impossible dream for a reason. But I don't know what I'm doing. If things don't work out, what am I left with? Is blogging really every going to pay off? What if I never finish writing any of the countless things I've started? What if I don't get any internships and graduate with no idea of what I want to do in life?

These questions really start to bog me down, especially after the event I just experienced. I was supposed to let the roofer into the apartment building to do some maintenance, I couldn't find him anywhere. I couldn't call him back because I didn't have his number and, when I did get his number, it was an hour after I was supposed to meet him and I'd already spent a half an hour walking around the outside of the building looking for him. Apparently he was there for about five minutes and left so it totally wasn't my fault. BUT I WAS PISSED. It made me feel so small, so powerless. This job is already rough sometimes because every once in a while, I get the feeling that people don't believe we can actually do this job because we're women. And then I feel like I just can't do this job because I'm 20 years old and I don't exactly look like a manager. And then I just feel like shit. So basically I was just pissed off about being treated like shit. And suddenly, all the things that had made my day good seemed unimportant and trivial. So what if Jules, my CSCL advisor, said that there's absolutely no reason not to try for the Late Late Show internship? So what if I overcame the bystander affect we were talking about in psych class and didn't assume that someone was going to return the key I found in the bathroom and instead returned said key to a very grateful woman in the writing center? So what if I feel like I'm actually going to have an interesting (if totally embarrassing) Nanowrimo story this year? So what if I totally have a celebrity crush on John Barrowman and dream about working for Craig Ferguson and want to be a famous writer? None of that matters because I suck at my job and no one respects me and no one cares about me and I fail at life. At least that's how I felt until I had a little cry, vented to [Львица] and listened to the title song from the musical "Sunset Boulevard" because it's been stuck in my head all day (again, showtunes invading my mind...)

Clearly, I don't suck at my job, people respect me, people care about me and I don't fail at life. But it's hard to think about and appreciate all the things I've accomplished when so many things I want are just... so lofty. I don't think I'm an egotist, I just think I ask a lot out of life. But when am I asking too much? But I so, so so much want to believe this:

Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I be allowed to dream crazy dreams? Why shouldn't I be allowed to try for something incredible? The real trick to all this is keeping my hopes up without getting to overconfident and then totally destroying and disappointing myself. But why shouldn't I at least dream about interviewing, getting the internship, meeting celebrities, just a little bit? It keeps me motivated. It keeps me positive. It keeps me sane.

Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more than what I am to prepare myself - working at some job half the time or leading some student government position or something. But some of those things aren't who I am. And there is only so much I can do in the time that has been given to me. Which is a frightening, staggering thought on many levels... though it's got a nice Lord of the Rings vibe to it. Yes, I don't have much time left before I graduate, before that deadline for the internship is due, before I have to decided what I'm going to do with my life before I kick the bucket and accept that mortality is a fact of life. Unless you're Jack Harkness, of course. But on that plus side, I shouldn't make myself do things I don't really want to do or give up things that truly matter to me. I'm going to run out and overwork myself and let my grades suffer just to impress someone. I'm not going to get involved with something I don't really care about. I'm not going to give up blogging just because I don't have that many followers or I feel like no one cares what I think or because Blogger will never recommend it to anyone and pretends this page doesn't exist.  I don't blog for anyone, exactly - I blog because I can. I blog because I enjoy it. I blog for me.

Because when things get rough, it's nice to know that I have this thing, this creation of mine to fall back on. It's a nice comfort. Not to mention I'm finally happy with how the layout looks.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm to stop blogging for a while and go write the worst romance novel ever written and stop being such a gloomy schmuck. Ridiculous sappy storyline - Go!

Renaissance Men and Byronic Heroes

I wonder if psych majors have a difficult managing their relationships.

I thought of this as I read a chapter of my social psychology book on "the self." It started after this section on self-awareness (the idea that when people focus on themselves, they compare themselves to... well, themselves; their own values and such. It seems obvious, but that way we're on the same page):

Even when we are self-aware and introspect to our heart's content, it can be difficult to know why we feel the way we do. Imagine trying to decide why you love someone. Being in love typically makes you feel giddy, euphoric, and preoccupied; in fact, the ancient Greeks thought love was a sickness. But why do you feel this way? Exactly what is it about your sweetheart that makes you fall in love? We know it is something about out loved one's looks, personality, values, and background. But precisely what? How can we possibly describe the special chemistry that exists between two people? A friend of ours once told us he was in love with a woman because she played the saxophone. Was this really the reason? The heart works in such mysterious ways that it is difficult to tell.  (pages 125-126, Aronson, Wilson, Akert - Social Psychology, 7th edition)

After this, they site an example from the "old" TV show Friends (seriously, they call it old. Thanks for making me feel ancient, textbook) when Ross makes a list of things he likes and doesn't like about Rachel. This is, according to the author's, a very bad idea.

Consider people like Ross who try to analyze why they feel the way they do about a romantic partner. When people list reasons in this manner, they often change their attitudes toward their partners, at least temporarily... Why? It is difficult to dissect the exact causes of our romantic feelings so we latch on to reasons that sound good and that happen to be on our minds (remember our friend who claimed he was in love with a woman because she played the saxophone?). (page 128, Aronson, Wilson, Akert)


This causes issues for us when we make lists and then list strange things about a person (the textbook mentions a partner annoyingly smacking their gum) instead of more complex things like good chemistry. Thus if we focus on things like gum smacking, we might suddenly decide we're not really in love with our partner and break up with them, then later regret it.

And to make matters even WORSE, the authors mention a study done where men and women are startled on a bridge and the men either immediately evaluated how attracted they were to the woman or asked to evaluate after they crossed the bridge. Those that were evaluated immediately while still startled rated the women as more attractive than those who had calmed down. This "misattribution of arousal" has been found to be true in both women and men. "The moral is this:" the authors say, "If you encounter an attractive man or woman and your heart is going thump-thump, think carefully about why you are aroused - you might fall in love for the wrong reasons!" (page 135, Aronson, Wilson, Akert)