Absense makes the heart grow fonder

I have been away from this blog for far too long. It's not that I haven't had things to talk about (I've had plenty) I just found myself busy with other things - summer classes, novel writing, gallivanting about Minneapolis, musing greatly on the elegance of hedgehogs (both blog-wise and novel-wise). I've also found myself thinking greatly about change and feeling much more accepting of it than in the past. Especially as one of my friends from high school got married this summer and, as she was the first to do so in my group of friends, it was a big leap for me mentally. But if there are perfect couples in the world, [action is eloquence] and her husband are it.

www.facebook.com/pages/J-May-Images/142770071996

Also, some time ago I was nominated for the Most Versatile Blogger award by MAG (many thanks for this!)

And I am thus-wise required to provide a list of 7 bloggers who are relatively new to blogging. I don't really have any, so I'm just providing the links to 7 blogs I really love:

1) The Slow Show  / /The Pochyemuchka Diaries  (same blogger, two blogs, so I'm going to count it as one :D)
2) The Black Hole Symposium 
3) Recalculating Route
4) The Jane Austen Film Club
5) Valknut
6) Hollywood Hates Me
7) Atalanta's Antics

I love them all. :D

So that's all for now. More updates coming soon, I think with school starting up again I'll have random stuff to yammer about. But if I'm not around, feel free to check out my other blog: Martin Freeman is not a hedgehog. Cheers!

That's right, boys, I'm a Feminist...

So, with this whole current issue involving Rush Limbaugh, feminism has been on my mind a lot this week. And lo and behold if it didn't come an important issue in both my classes and my life...

We watched Mad Men in my television class (weirdly, right after I'd had a dream the day before about meeting Jon Hamm, one of the main actors from the show, at some sort of celebrity event. Why the hell I was there, I haven't a clue. Why I dreamed about an actor who's show I'd never seen until the next day I also can't explain) and our viewing about some ads used during the airing of Mad Men on AMC led to some discussion of feminism. It got kind of awkward because one guy in my class didn't see an ad as misogynist when many other kids did (just because the misogyny isn't blatant doesn't mean it's any better; in fact I would argue that's the general state of sexism today). Regardless, I had this lingering in the back of my mind and vexing me slightly as I went off to meet up with a girl from two of my classes to study for our midterms.  While in the midst of trying to explain what ethnomusicology was, one of her guy friends dropped by the study lounge where we were. Aside from being distracted from studying, the girl just stopped talking and ignored anything I said about the term at this point. The guy left and we tried to resume studying, during which she said, "Wow, I'm really distracted now." We started going over stuff and then she mentioned, "He's like one of my best friends. And I was embarrassed to sound so nerdy in front of him."

Ahem. Okay, lemme get this straight - you invite me over to study. You really are confused about this stuff. I'm trying to explain it to you, but you don't want to look "nerdy" in front of a friend? You're in the middle of a study session; you're supposed to be studying. It's not being nerdy, it's being a student!

Ignoring the fact that if she didn't want to look nerdy, I must look like a humongous nerd to her (don't care, won't care - am a nerd, will always be a nerd), I wondered exactly what her relationship is with this guy. I can think of only one reason a girl would not want to look "nerdy"/smart in front of a guy - and that's because she likes him. Because, for some explicable reason, many guys in my generation don't like smart girls.

Why? Probably because they're intimated, or don't want to look stupid, or don't want a girl who's clever enough not to take his bullshit, or don't want to argue with her, or - you get the idea. There are a plethora of possible reasons. And usually I wouldn't be so unkind to the male gender, but I'm rather pissed off about this. I mean, considering this might be one of the main reasons why guys want nothing to do with me, it's kind of an big issue. But, girls, here's what you need to know:

http://weasleycansaveanything.tumblr.com/post/18737413970

There you go. Right there. I can put it no better than that. If a guy doesn't like you for being smart, than he doesn't really like you or respect you. And thus he's not worth your time.

This, of course, makes me a feminist. Because I want to be treated like an equal, not an accessory. If you don't want a smart girl, TS, boys, TS. We don't want a guy dumb enough to say he DOESN'T want a smart girl. Because they're clearly operating from some previous state of being where they don't want a woman who's clever and can speak her mind. And they probably think feminism is something bizarre that only involves bra burning and extreme liberals (they also happen to be the sort of guys who don't understand that lesbians are real, but that's an equally frustrating topic for another time). Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am a feminist, I am smart, and I will not waste my time dating someone who doesn't respect me for being these things. It's not being picky; it's respecting myself. I don't care if I'm alone for the rest of my life because being this way makes me "undateable" (which has to me a myth; it's totally a myth, right, gentlemen?); I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't like me for me. This doesn't make me a man-hater, or a shrew, or any of that shit. No, all I want is someone to treat me the way I would treat them. I WANT to date a smart man because I want to date someone who is my equal. And that's that. Equality - what a novel thought.

So, girls, stop dumbing yourself down for guys, or anyone, for that matter. And guys - ditto. This whole fear of looking smart or nerdy or whatever is ridiculous. If anything, BE NERDY - as a guy in my Italian class said, "Everyone's a nerd, because everyone's passionate about something." Be passionate, be happy, and be yourself. This has been a PSA announcement from [La Maga].

You Treat Me Like a Stranger

http://img0.etsystatic.com/il_fullxfull.306645720.jpg

I'm hesitant about writing this since I recently advertised my new blog on Facebook and the fact that Google + has officially and finally changed my name to my actual name on here. But, based on the fact that I haven't gotten any backlash as of yet and that most of my friends don't talk to me on Facebook let alone read my blog, I don't think I have anything to worry about. But still, I feel like a backstabber. A bad friend. A traitor. All because I need a place where I can pretend someone is listening to me because I don't know how to deal with one of my closest friends becoming a stranger.

Last night, [X] and a co-worker of her's were in town for a comedy show at Coffman Union - "An Evening with Bo Burnham." Now, I didn't know anything about Burnham and [Львица] and I just decided to go because it seemed like a good gesture, to meet up with [X] and see her since I haven't spoken to her since Christmas.

Except that it was totally awkward. Namely because both girls from out of town felt the need to compare everything on our campus to their school. And because [X]'s co-worker didn't seem to like us (paranoid me wondered if perhaps [X] had already told her a thing or two about us before they arrived). And Burnham wasn't my cup of tea. At all. (You can read about that on [Львица]'s blog, if you're so inclined). 

The chance I did get to talk to [X] felt forced, meaningless small talk with me rambling on about psychology or Sherlock or how Benedict Cumberbatch is the greatest thing ever, only to have [X] either say little in reply or have her correct me that, in fact, Cumberbatch is ONE of the greatest things ever (not the point. Not even close). Even bringing up the Scotland trip felt sort of weird and forced, as if that wasn't us, that was some other life, some other world, not ours. Maybe it was because her co-worker was there that she didn't talk to me much. Or maybe I should just accept that she no longer puts me first in terms of friends, she probably never did, and I should just get over it. But sometimes I wonder if anyone's ever put me first, or at least equal to someone else, and it's a nagging sense that I don't amount to anything and that I've failed somehow. But I know that isn't true - I gave it my all with [X] and it just didn't turn out. She and I will never have the deep conversations we used to have on occasion - the deep conversations [Львица] and I now have at least once a week (thank God for [Львица] and [the Question]. I don't know what I'd do without them). Even conversations with people I've just met or acquaintances from my classes (like [amante della musica] and Ellie, a girl in my music as discourse and comedy class): seem simpler than talking to [X] now. Maybe she really just has become someone that I used to know.

Dynamic Duos

Okay, I had a minor freak-out Wednesday night about having a loose, festering flap of skin on my gums last night post-wisdom teeth removal but it appears that's all for naught. It was gone by Thursday morning and my jaw is beginning to feel much better - even if eating food is still rather difficult.

Being rather limited to my activities has allowed me to return to back to some good old reading - namely Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey/Maturin series. I've read The Mauritius Command and am working my way through Desolation Island. I'm a little disappointed at the lack of Diana Villiers but maybe that's for the best - she'd probably just make Maturin really upset (more upset at her than he already is now) and make me totally pissed off. So a little break from Villiers drama probably isn't such bad thing for the series.

One things I'm really glad to have back is the epic bromance that is Aubrey and Maturin's relationship (bromance is totally the wrong term for it, but there's only so many times in my day that I get to use it, so forgive me). Seriously, these guys have a fantastic friendship. The way they interact with each other is really amusing and, well, real. They're a really powerful duo, even if they don't always get along, and I think that's one reason I find the books so fascinating.

And being the Doctor Who geek I've become, I can't help comparing Captain Jack Aubrey and Doctor Stephen Maturin to Captain Jack Harkness and the Doctor from Doctor Who. Admittedly, I haven't seen A LOT of Doctor Who with Jack Harkness yet (only season one) but the interaction I've seen so far between the Doctor and Captain Jack is pretty fantastic. Also, picturing a cross-over between the two series is awesome - I think both Captain Jacks would have some pretty fun conversations (especially with Aubrey's tenancies of being a ladies' man, and Harkness being flirtatious with anyone and everyone). And both Doctors would have some pretty great discussions, I think.

Doctor, meet the Doctor. Captain Jack, meet Captain Jack. Let the weirdness of this moment commence.

(Side note - do you know how hard it was to find an picture of Jack in the Doctor together without them snogging? Rather more difficult than I'd presumed :P)

Strength

http://www.paulina.ws/

So [Львица] stayed up late last night, having a conversation about how I was feeling in regards to the situation with [X]. She told me to stop beating myself up and blaming myself for things. Along with many other genius thing, which I will attempt to briefly reiterate here.

Like how people who used to be shy (I am certianly one of those) aren't used to no one liking you; we're afraid of making enemies when it's time to say our own opinion. It's why [X] is afraid to say her opinions, afraid of what it's going to be like. Because she doesn't want to lose people. And it's the same for me.

But we're going to lose people. We're going to make mistakes. That's why regret exists in the world. We have to fight. Because it's sadder to let someone win without a fight

There is something to be learned from how [novel killer] acts - she doesn't concede. I wouldn't want to be that extreme (especially in light of recent events). But she at least what she gets what she needs to say out there. Otherwise, as [Львица] it's like a film on top of the water, with people not saying everything they want to say.

"I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did," [Львица] told me. She described to me how we're a lot of different people in our lives and, as we grow up, we have to let one go and it's like grieving for a person who's died. We have a fantasy of ourselves in our heads, a fantasy that [Львица] said she lived for eight years of who she could be. Yet she never touched who she was - she had no real idea. She was a soul untouched and the time to find out who she was had arrived. She likened it to idealizations of love - how after you really fall in love, you read books and hear music in a different way. You can think about what it will be like, but you won't really know until you know.

There's a barrier between us - a barrier of time and life. But you have to press up against the glass, to make it your own words, to make it your own.

http://tuttoinbiancoenero.tumblr.com

So it was with these thoughts that I started today. And started it very well, I might add. Until the shit hit the fan once more. [novel killer] has sent me a message about doing Secret Santa for the Christmas part and I told her this:

I think [X] is still in charge of Secret Santa, actually. [Львица] and I weren't planning on doing it.

And then she said:

All right. She said you wanted to be in charge, so I figured I'd ask.


And then I said:

Well, we just offered to let her have the party here and she misinterpreted it as us wanting to take over the party; we just wanted to offer our apartment as a venue. Sorry for the confusion
.

And then it ended up at this from [novel killer]:

Stop stop stop. No. [X] informed me last night that you had messaged her asking if it was okay if you did, and said said it was fine if you did, but she'd be upset about it but if some something she had to work out by herself. That would be you wanted to take over the party. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, so that's why I asked you this. And yes, she was upset, but it was more of because she'd been doing it for years.



Frankly I think everyone needs to get over their hatred for the little stuff. It's stupid. Everything's not about you (as in individuals). It's about together. [X] being upset about losing control is not about you wanting to take it over, it's symbolic of the fact that the times have changed and she's trying to deal with it. It's Christmas. I don't need this, no one needs this. I have familial stuff going on right now that's going to be a huge sour note during Christmas, so the last thing I want it to have a petty party with friends that I won't enjoy the company of because they're all being petty. And it's not just you. You'll probably take it that way and tell [Львица] and then people will hate me, but whatever. Just try to remember the things people do usually have nothing to do with you as a person. (That goes for everyone.) I would give everyone this speech, but unfortunately you're the message I got this morning and therefore you get the brunt of it.



I know you're not very happy with [X] for whatever reason, but you know what? Whatever it is, I guarantee it's a stupid reason. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's stupid. So you know what? Get over it. Everyone should get over their stupid things with each other and move on. Why? Not because it's Christmas. Not because we want to be the bigger person. Why? Because we're friends. And good friends should love near-conditionally. {I think she means non-conditionally.} Because people fuck up, and your friends are supposed to forgive you for it. Like if I yelled at you for an hour because I was so angry from outside sources and your little thing happened to be the thing that set me off? As a friend, I would expect you to forgive me without be having to say anything once we cooled down. Because that's what friends do. And we were great friends. Unfortunately college has separated us. And now we're not during the year, but we still should have that bond. And if we don't, why are we having Christmas with one another? Because if we're not friends enough to forgive each other of expressing opinion and not get catty and guilt-trippy, then we shouldn't have Christmas at all.



And that's the reason I haven't even posted on the Christmas thread yet. I wanted to see how this played out. And I hope my friends prove me wrong, but we'll have to see.



Also, thanks for completely ignoring [musical queen]. (note the sarcasm). I know she can be a handful, but she is our friend, and either you or [Львица], since you decided the date seeing as it's your place, could've politely told her that you can't have the party when she's in town because of [Львица] not being in town.



Anyway, I hope you give this some thought instead of taking it as [La Maga]-bashing and hate me forever instead of something our entire group needs to work on. (Except for maybe [foxy lady], and ha, ironically [musical queen] who has never passed judgement on any of you because she genuinely likes you.)


Needless to say, this kind of tore me up when I saw it. Okay, that's a lie. IT FUCKING DEVASTATED ME. This isn't the first time something like this had happened between [novel killer] and me though. She sent me a really terrible message on Facebook back in my freshman year, one that made me hate myself so much I actually toyed with the thought the thought of jumping of the Washington Avenue bridge because I felt like entire world loathed my guts. I don't think [novel killer] realizes how much power her words have - especially over me.

We didn't exclude [musical queen] from party plans - [Львица] talked to her separately. As for the rest of it... I don't know. She clearly blames me for everything that happened here - and then some. A lot of it doesn't make sense. How can she say my problems are just stupid without even knowing what they are? How can I non-conditionally care about a person when they write poisonous things like this and don't seem really reciprocate that? Why is okay for people to take out their cathartic problems on me but when I actually have a problem, it's stupid?

Beats me. I think it's crap. Really, I do. Despite how shitty I felt during social psych (which was ironically about female aggression, in which we discussed Mean Girls - which I'd actually just seen) I was feeling much less shitty and blame-worthy. I'm not gonna take it, dammit. I have feelings - I have rights. I am my own woman. And though I did what she expected I would - I showed it to [Львица], I don't hate her as a person. I hate some of the things she does but I don't hate HER. I'm just worried about her. Because this and what she was telling [Львица] isn't healthy. There's a lot of hate built up there and I'm worried for her.

Good thing is, I talked with [X] tonight and straightened some things out. We're back on friendly terms and I feel like we could be moving to a much stronger, healthier relationship. I hope so at least. And the funny thing about anger - once you get an apology, you can't remember why you were mad in the first place. This new bridge into... wherever....It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm going to find out what's going on with [novel killer] and I'm going to keep working to be the strong, fabulous woman I know I can be. I've seen it. I can do it.

I'm worth it. :)

Blue Christmas

http://pic.blackberryseeker.com

Well, [X] has done it now. She's now tainted one of the few sacred things I've got: Christmas.

Here's the deal: my group of friends have this annual tradition of having a Christmas party at [X]'s house every year. Although, because of insinuating circumstances, [X]'s family now lives with her grandmother and she doesn't feel comfortable/isn't allowed to have guests over. And, because I realized that I hadn't heard anything yet about a Christmas party, I messaged her about it. She wasn't sure whether she was up for it, but I told her that [Львица] and I were certainly interested and so she sent out a Facebook message about it. Because she said she couldn't have guests over, [Львица] and I offered up our place. She seemed okay about it, but when I did message her, she sort of flipped out. This was the message:

Me:
Hey, you seem busy and I don't want to pressure you into doing the Christmas party if you don't want to, so if you're not interested in doing it, Sarah and I would be cool just hosting a little get-together at our apartment. I don't want to take over the Christmas party from you or anything and we wouldn't do Secret Santa or anything like that; just dinner and hang-out-ness up here. Lemme know what you think.


[X]:
I don't want to sound like a bitch, but I want to be honest. It's really hard for me to turn over running the Christmas party to anybody, since I've been hosting it since I was in the sixth grade--before I even knew you or Sarah or most of the people who are invited to it now. It's been my way of giving my friends a holiday gift, hokey as that sounds. So not being able to throw it makes me feel really irrelevant.

(Some period of time later)
With that said, I'm not eleven anymore. I know that more people than me feel a sense of ownership over the concept of a "Christmas get-together" now and have every right to host it. And the truth is, I don't really have anything to give right now. I don't have a home to welcome anyone to. I don't have a lot of time or energy. I don't even feel like I have the right "spirit" to do this. So if you and Sarah want to host this get-together, then I'll honestly be okay with that. I may even be relieved. Just please don't think badly of me for not getting to the point of being absolutely ok with not hosting this immediately. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty by being honest with you, I just want you to see all my cards laid out on the table so that nothing gets bottled up to fester.


Me:
Okay, this is not what I expected at all and it makes me really sad. I think you, [Львица] and I need to have a talk about this.

http://mendokusee.deviantart.com/

So she called me and we talked. Sort of. I don't know why but every time I get on the phone, all of my gumption fails. Oh, wait, I know why. Because I'm a coward.

Yep, that's the truth. I'm a sniveling little coward. I can say exactly how I feel about [X] to [Львица] but when it comes to actually telling [X}, I hear her voice, that sound like she's on the verge of tears and suddenly I'm back to square one. I can't tell her that I'm pissed - though I did tell her I was upset and was audibly angry on the phone yesterday. But somehow, I just can't manage to find the words to tell her how I actually feel. Despite the fact that when her I read her message I was shaking and ended up taking out my rage gnashing Cheerios angrily and cathartically writing all kinds of poisonous thoughts for fifteen minutes. When she starts her talk about feeling unworthy of her friends and how bad she feels about herself and how she feels like all of her problems are insignificant and thus won't talk about them (which then makes them more-so - and more dangerously - important because they get all muddled up in stuff like this), it hits the little part inside of me that feels the same way and then I make my stuff unimportant so at least one person thinks her stuff is important (instead of having an equal, two-way street of a friendship). And then because I try to understand her and support her, I can't criticize her without her thinking I hate her - which she's pushing me to only through self-fulling prophecy. Because she thinks everyone hates her, I begin to hate her because I can't be honest with her. I don't hate her - I just want her think before she speaks, to want to change herself for the better. But instead, I don't tell her this; I just talk about her behind her back. Just like she does. In my inability to be honest with her, I become exactly what I hate about her.

And I don't know what to do.

Ironically, we were talking about relationships and aggression (two separate topics that accidentally overlapped due to too much material) in my social psych class on Monday, which was really too much. Sometimes, my psychology classes oddly mirror my life. What it did tell me was that I can't stay this way. I can't passively wait for us to finally grow apart or stick by her even if I get hurt. That's what I've been doing; it doesn't work and it feels wrong. I don't know whether it's best to try to actively work through our problems, because that would take time from her and she seems to damn busy to care about that sort of thing. Besides, I don't know if it's worth trying to work through and save. Which basically gives me one option: tell her it's done. She's pushed me too far away and that I'm done unless she steps forward herself. But that's not just something you can spring on someone. It's not like you can just break up with a friend (I dunno - maybe you can; I've never tried it). But I have so few friends these days, I feel reluctant to do so - because if I piss her off, I piss off everyone else who still talks to me from high school, [Львица] and [action is eloquence] and [uber gay] probably being the only exceptions. And [save the panzer]. Because fortunately for him, he has nothing to do with this shit.

So right now I just feel ansty and stressed and crampy because it's nearly finals time and I literally have cramps. Yay. But I know I can't stay this way. I mean, after I talked to [X] yesterday, I felt like a terrible person. She makes me feel bad about myself. And then "I am what I am" came on my iTunes and I started crying, because I couldn't have felt farther from what I am after that conversation. I was glad [Львица] called me to save me from wallowing in self-pity.

But bloody hell - IT'S CHRISTMAS. I shouldn't feeling bad about myself. I shouldn't put up with [X] totally misconstruing her friendships and, through trying to not make anything about her, totally make everything about her. I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE A PILE OF CRAP AGAIN. I was so happy before I got that message, thinking all about a holiday party (because I've never hosted a holiday party. Ever. In fact, I think I've only hosted six parties in my entire life). I want that carefree happiness back. Am I going to let [X] get me down. Not anymore. No, I shan't! It's Christmas.

http://my-girl-friday.tumblr.com/post/13713307091/no-i-shant-its-christmas

To Myself, In the Future

Hello Future Me,

I certainly hope that, wherever you are in space in time, that it is not in a little apartment infested by centipedes and mice. Or some place worse. I have decided to write this little post because I feel suddenly struck by a fear of making mistakes that are not worth making - not the good sort. And I would like to try to provide you with a source of some perhaps helpful advice in lieu of the insanity that certainly lies ahead.

First off, I have no idea what you will be doing in general. Hopefully it will not involve being a hobo. Regardless, whatever it is, do it with passion. Don't give in to doing something safe just because you know you can do it. TRY NEW THINGS. The worse that can happen is that you will fail, and we both are plenty familiar with that.

I will never be this cool. But goddamn, I can try.

Of course, I'm going to bring up relationships. If you remember, I'm on the edge between being a full-blown romantic and a nihilistic hermit. So, I'm hoping things are a little more steady on your end. If you're queen of the Ryan Gosling Swagger (à la Crazy Stupid Love), kudos. If things suck, keep a stiff upper lip. Remember what it was like to not understand love, to not even have any experience with it. To wonder why you saw so few relationships work out, why everything seems so simple, until you become part of one. I know I sound down about it all but I'm just showing - you knew more than you thought you did. Don't sweat it; it'll work out. I believe it will.

If by some strike of fate you find yourself in a long-term relationship, don't take it for granted. Just don't. And if by some terrible, incredible miracle you have children, remember not to be too hard on them when they act up. Growing up is tough - it might seem long ago, but I remember it pretty well. It's brilliant and brutal. And whatever your kids do, you probably did once too. Don't blame them too much for their mistakes, economic troubles, mistakes you made. They'll listen... maybe too well.

Wherever you're living, I hope it feels like home. I know when you were younger, you likened yourself to a turtle - adaptable, movable, able to fit in anywhere. Know that I'm glad you had that adaptability but that you shouldn't be afraid to put down roots. No one belongs here more than you.

Fresh off a 21st birthday, I had some crummy feelings in the days shortly before. It got me worried, it got me thinking. I hope you're strong and confident - I hope that I'm establishing that now. I hope you still have a warm fuzzy feeling for sci-fi shows and Broadway plays, and a penchant for shortbread, Earl Grey tea and Nutella. But most of all, I hope you look back at all of this and don't regret a thing.

Me of Many Moonstruck Meanderings

I saw this in one of my psych books and love it for unknown reasons.

So I realize that in my long word vomit about my friends' relationship experiences, I failed to talk about any of my own. And if I'm going to tell all about my friends, it's only fair that I do the same for myself. Of course, there's really not much to discuss. But then again, maybe there's more there than I think. So, being a creepy psych major, I'm going to talk it through and come to... some sort of consensus. All for the benefit of those publicly judging me.

I guess I could start at the beginning, in preschool, when I'm pretty sure I had a crush on a kid named Jordan (one easy way to tell if I have a crush - I talk about the person A LOT). But then he tattled on me for playing with clay during storytime and, though our teacher said it was fine, it was like he knew my real intentions (I had it because I wanted to take it home with me because I didn't have any clay at home. But then I left it under a dining room chair and it got all dry and useless. One of the only two times I've stolen in my entire life - and both times were an epic fail. But I digress...) Anyway, I never really forgave Jordan for his betrayal. Not the most positive start, eh?

I had a crush [quick disclaimer - I wouldn't really regard these as crushes because I didn't recognize them as such until much later. In fact, I don't think I ever recognized I really liked a guy in a romantic-sort of way until high school. It seems the late bloomer thing is a common theme with me] on a kid named Michael in 3rd or 4th grade until I moved. And then there was an awkward incident with a boy named William. Girls seemed to know more about him than I did, but I once heard a rumor that in second grade he forced a kiss upon one of my friends (but I never asked her about it because I felt like it was inappropriate. And because I'm awkward enough regarding small talk). One rainy day, we were stuck inside for indoor recess and playing some game that William wasn't happy with. He wanted me to play something else, but I didn't want to. So he tried to coerce me through pleading and inching his hand up my leg. I was wearing a skort or a skirt or something and so part of my thigh was exposed. Once his hand got there I was totally freaking out and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what he was doing, I don't know if he knew what he was doing, and it was definitely not making me any more willing to play with him. He finally stopped touching my leg (probably when it looked like I was going to start crying) and left me alone and I was relieved. I however was terrified of him for the rest of my time at that school.

That probably sounds like the perfect place for someone like Doctor Phil to be like, "See, that traumatized you and scarred you and changed you." I don't know if it did. Honestly, I've never told anyone about that before. Maybe it did. It never really troubled me - well, it troubled me, but I never really thought about it as possibly, you know, important to my psyche until I started studying psychology. It's probably not. It's probably just an awkward, uncomfortable growing up experience. Did it have much of an impact? Who the hell knows...

Then the move to Minnesota. Despite like half of my friends and my grandmother's belief, I never had a crush on [uber gay]. I just didn't. He annoyed me at first, actually. I did have a crush on a guy named Ethan, who moved to California and I never saw him again. He deserves more than this simple sentence, but I was twelve, so... not really much to say.

AND he's a Celtic fan? Goddammit... (from people.com)

And then in junior high I met [Broadway baby] and became really good friends with him. He was the closest guy friend, other than [uber gay] and maybe Michael, that I'd ever had. And then in high school, for our first homecoming dance, he gave me an corsage, an "extra one" that he said he'd had, even though my parents were convinced he bought it on purpose. It was the only time a guy has ever bought me flowers. I realized that I might just have a crush on [Broadway baby] in sophomore year. The same year he came out. Alas.

Somewhere between 8th grade and freshman year of high school I had my first star crush, on a Scot no less. Thank you, Gerard Butler, for making the Phantom of the Opera ridiculously sexy. You were supposed to have a scarred appearance,  you were supposed to a crazy murderer. And yet you were still hot.

Then there were the awkward high school years, which I'd rather not talk about but probably don't have a choice (actually, I do, but this is my blog. And I have this whole honesty bit going on...) I had some weird celebrity crushes (Jason Issacs, Hugo Weaving, Heath Ledger only after I'd seen him in The Dark Knight), some random comedy infatuations (looking at you, Stephen Colbert and Craig Ferguson) and other various actor obsessions (Hugh Jackman, Colin Firth, Paul Bettany). And then I saw Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge and my life was forever changed. Or ruined. I'm not sure, exactly.

Also amongst high school were weird awkward feelings of I-don't-know-what for a teacher or two. It was probably more intense admiration but I didn't know how to process it and thus stupidly told [X] and [novel killer] about one of them at the end of high school and thus became known for having a thing for authority figures. It was not an encouraging step towards actually talking about my feelings.

But wait, I'm forgetting something... there was that week at a summer music clinic at the University of Wisconsin, where one of my instructors was an opera grad student in music, specifically opera. He was gay, I'm pretty sure, but I couldn't help getting a tiny crush on a guy who can tell you the plot of Tosca in modern, exciting terms and then sings fantastic tenor solos at the class's urging. Between this and McGregor, I think I have a thing for vocalists.

And I'm totally forgetting a whole thing with [hahahaha SHUT UP] which I've never really spoken about. That deserves discussion... but probably not here. Because it would take far too much discussion and explanation.

Then college. Star crushes on Michael Fassbender and Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterd. And on James McAvoy after Becoming Jane. And obviously John Barrowman... because of reasons.

But I'm getting ahead of myself. Because last year I fell hard for one of my instructors, [tedesco]. I was pretty much in love with him. As much as you can be with someone you don't know super well, someone who's older than you and will never reciprocate what you think you feel. I say think because it's actually hard for me to recognize that I felt that way about him now. [X] had an nice little explanation for this when I talked to her about it, after I'd fallen for [No-Mr-Darcy] which you can experience here. I think I was just happy to find someone to talk to in a new major, who was cute and funny and not afraid to say what he was thinking, even if it was awkward and I disagreed. I think it was just nice to meet a guy who actually liked deep, intellectual conversations.

And just as the school year ended and I was trying to work through my feelings regarding [tedesco], I met [No-Mr-Darcy]. It was honestly the first time I had a crush on someone who was my age since [Broadway baby]. It was the first time I actually felt NOT scared to tell someone how I felt, given the right time (though that never came). But I don't have to tell you all about that. You can read it all here. And here. And pretty much anything in August or September.

So that's that. There you go. We could do this by terms of firsts, but I don't know if that's a good way to approach my life. As my first serious crush that wasn't on celebrity wasn't really until... senior year of high school. And my first date was a non-date with [No-Mr-Darcy] that ended with a hand shake. And my "first kiss" was an awkward cheek peck from [hahahaha SHUT UP]. And that William and the random neck licker from Friday Night Paint Fight and [slightly pansexual, mostly annoying]'s backrub are the most intimate any man has ever been with me (and two out of the three were totally unwanted... and the back rub was grudgingly accepted. Actually, [slightly pansexual, mostly annoying] might actually have a bit of finess for back massage on awkward trips from an apartment to the Saloon while his friend [save the panzer] is currently trying not to turn around and strangle him. But I digress). And then there was the forced cuddling from [one-complicated-lesbian] who was distraught to find that I had never cuddled with anyone before, even with a friend, and then forced me to experience it in a bunk in our Fort William hostel. God, that sounds bad. It was nonsexual, but still totally awkward. (How do I get myself into these situations? Really?)

See what I mean? It sounds really bad - like the plot to some comedy-drama.  It sounds even worse when you've had a bad day and the weather sucks and you can't sleep and you're home all alone and you feel crappy and you think you're going to be alone forever. Which is an assumption. And a stupid assumption. So fuck that. Seriously. Yes, I have a zero relationship experience. Yes, I am a total romantic who has no notion of what modern dating actually consists of. But something will work out. There are 7 BILLION PEOPLE on this planet. 7 BILLION. Somewhere out there, there has to be someone else who's not a royal jerk, who isn't socially awkward, who isn't trying so hard to prove his manliness or show how smart he is or just get in some girl's pants. Who's just comfortable being who he is. Am I really that naive to think that not all my romantic notions are false? But really, I'm not asking for this:

http://www.doodlekisses.com/forum/topics/things-to-do-if-the-lights-go-out-during-the-hurricane?page=9&commentId=2065244%3AComment%3A2673482&x=1#2065244Comment2673482

I don't want that. That freaks me out. And it just seems... false. I'm just asking for this:

This has been another romantic musing by the Vulture. I beg your indulgence.

Side comment: I just remembered another star obsession I had: Rupert Everett. Ah, yes... Thanks to him I now a fan of Oscar Wilde. For the win.

Love and Other Laments

Life is weird.

Just the other day, I had this dream that [X] was going to propose to her boyfriend. And what do I see on Monday when I log on to Facebook between classes? That she's broken up with him.

I have to admit, I was surprised. I mean, she went back and forth in her words about their relationship, but it seemed like she was planning on the long haul (but honestly, who doesn't?) Just over the summer she was talking about grad school in Milwaukee to be near him.

And yet another relationship ends. He was her first boyfriend, after all, but still... it didn't even last a year. The only two people I know well who aren't single are [shortage of perfect breasts] and [action is eloquence] - a friend I made in the early years of high school who is getting married(!!!).  And, according to [X], [shortage of perfect breasts] is still with her boyfriend only because she's settled for her current boyfriend because she doesn't think she can do better.

Other than [action is eloquence], not much of this is very encouraging for one who has yet to enter the realm of dating. The whole endeavor begins to look rather futile and impossible. Also, everyone has chosen this week to complain about how alone they are in the world and say that love doesn't really exist. But I refuse to believe that.

I will not give into the cynical. I will stand my ground. I believe in romance. Despite all odds.

Cue the triumphant trumpet fanfare! Release the doves and sprinkle glitter everywhere! I know this may sound hokey. I know this may sound repetitive. But I need to remind myself of this stuff and not get all hopeless and give up.

You see, I've rarely seen people make love a priority in the life.  No where outside a romance novel, at least. And in romance novels, it borders on absurd, because nothing else matters - hell, the plot doesn't even matter except for the relationship between the two main characters. But that's not what I mean here. What I mean, is, it's rare that I've seen love regarded seriously in my age group - being more important than school, more important than work, more important than the trials of everyday life, for just a minute in their days. Maybe I've spent too much time around [X] - she once told me that love made her feel bad, weak, out of control. Of course, that was reciprocated love (which I too have felt... and yeah, that's actually true). As for mutual love - well, I can't speak for that, but I certainly hope her opinion is different now. When I talked about crushes (in high school, that is - I wasn't as close to [Львица] as I am now) I always felt like people (meaning [X] and [novel killer]) thought I was just being silly and never seemed to treat my crushes with same importance they treated theirs. Even with [No-Mr-Darcy] I felt a somewhat lack of sincerity. Perhaps it's because I've had a lot of star crushes (Heath Ledger, Paul Bettany, Ewan McGregor, John Barrowman, you get the idea...) that they just don't take me seriously. Have I had an unusual amount of star crushes? I don't know... but I digress. Again.

Originally over Thanksgiving Break, [X] invited me to go along with her to interview [action is eloquence] about her work as a photographer for some class that [X] is in. I was kind of excited about it - I mean, I have my issues with [X] but we can have really good heart to hearts and I was hoping to  maybe talk honestly about what happened this summer (and once and for all put the cap on this whole jar of [No-Mr-Darcy] business. God does that feel like a light year ago...). But then I didn't hear anything from her and I saw the thing about the break-up on Facebook and I told her via comment on the relationship status (wow, how personal of me) that I was hear for her if she wanted to talk.

Nothing. Not a word. Her ex has been babbling away on Facebook like nothing happened. And she hasn't been online at all. I wonder if he broke up with her... He is living with his ex-girlfriend. Yikes.

Okay, okay, gossipy speculation not important. What is important is that not all things are bleak. Though there is a somewhat dim history of relationships with my high school friends: [foxy lady] dated a douchebag for way too long, and [shortage of perfect breasts] has "settled" for a guy who won't accept my friend request on Facebook (what did I do to you?! We've met like four times and we had a conversation about Torchwood and Doctor Who! Okay, so it was more like you said something, [shortage of perfect breasts] said something, I said something, [shortage of perfect breasts] said something, you said something, etc but STILL. Why?!)  [tiny dancer] has had her fair share of hardships with boys (somewhat thanks to [shortage of perfect breasts]? 'Tis a rumor. And another story) and [uber gay] has dated more men than the rest of us combined and seemed to have gotten pretty badly upset by his boyfriend breaking up with him (a first - usually he does the breaking off).  [mind ninja] has had problems, as has [the artist] who loved a man who can never be hers. And [it's a twin thing] - well, neither of them have shown much interest in dating. And then [novel killer] likes to complain about her ex-boyfriend from high school and dreams of the Spaniard from London but also makes out with [musical queen] in her spare time (which is described by [musical queen] like Santana and Britney from Glee. OK...) (By the way, I will be shot for having this knowledge. Just an FYI). And of course, [musical queen] has her own dating issues too. And [wolf woman]  - who knows. I don't really know her any more, honestly. And of course [Львица] has had major ups and downs. And then that brings in [The Question]. And... and... and...

You get the picture.

Of course, that's NOT to say everyone around me has only had totally depressing relationships. [shortage of perfect breasts] seems happy. [Львица] and [The Question] have taught me more about relationships without their knowing it than I ever thought I could learn without actually being in one (so... weirdly enough, thanks guys). All of these guys and gals above have thousands of opportunities before them. They are all great, wonderful people. There is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't find somebody out there in this wide, wide world.

It's so easy to see how wonderful everyone else is, but when I think about myself, I can't say I easily think those things about myself. I see how other people act in relationships and I wonder how that could ever be possible for me. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to be like my friend [amante della musica] who just seems to have a really close gay guy friend, like Will and Grace, than trying to understand the modern dating world, which totally baffles me (maybe I should have been reading Cosmo in my teen years instead of Jane Austin, to at least help me understand what's going on, instead of the sort of culture shock I seem to find myself in).

This whole conversation, however, leads me utterly off topic. Let's save this for another time, shall we?

The good news is, I'm officially playing flute at a wedding - at [action is eloquence]'s. She's the first of my high school friends to get married, and though it seems a little strange (she's only a year older than me! Marriage - ahhhh!) for her it seems right. She acts far older than her young age and she and her fiance have been together for several years. Also, she just seems... ready. Unlike my cousin who just seemed to do it for paternal obligations. [action is eloquence] is doing it because she really loves her boyfriend.

You feel that warm, flickering feeling like a tea light candle? That's called hope.

Complain about Jane

http://bookielaura.blogspot.com/2011/01/jane-by-april-linder.html

Barnes and Noble has made me sad about life... at least my suburban location has. Aside from the tons of vampire teen lit they now carry, the obsession with the Nook, and the lack of Doctor Who DVDs, I came across a book called Jane in the teen section. Intrigued, I picked it up - and immediately regretted it.

It's a modernization of Jane Eyre. And that offends me. Probably because Jane Eyre is my most favorite book in the entire universe.

A modernization would be okay, except for how it's done. Here's the description from Barnes and Noble:

Forced to drop out of an esteemed East Coast college after the sudden death of her parents, Jane Moore takes a nanny job at Thornfield Park, the estate of Nico Rathburn, a world-famous rock star on the brink of a huge comeback. Practical and independent, Jane reluctantly becomes entranced by her magnetic and brooding employer and finds herself in the midst of a forbidden romance.

But there's a mystery at Thornfield, and Jane's much-envied relationship with Nico is soon tested by an agonizing secret from his past. Torn between her feelings for Nico and his fateful secret, Jane must decide: Does being true to herself mean giving up on true love?

Rochester is a rock star? Are you SERIOUS? That's like... oh, I dunno, making Mr. Darcy an UNDERWEAR MODEL. If I wanted to read about a girl meeting a rock star, I'd read every other romance novel EVER.

WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TOO?!

Sorry, sorry - Jane Eyre and Mr. Rochester are rather sacred to me. Perhaps the book is perfectly good in its own right, but I don't want to hear about any comparisons between the two. I haven't read the book, but this Nico person sounds completely different from Rochester - and thus it's not the same story. And now I'm getting all defensive over fictional characters because...

http://www.someecards.com/usercards/viewcard/eefa97839efa80ab6a34c9d9c10b8296

Shut up, e-cards. No one cares what you think.

Bonding with Absolute Strangers

[Львица], [The Question] and I went to see the free movie of the week at the student union on Saturday night (this week's film happened to be Captain America. More about that later, hopefully). While we were walking back, some guy was walking and talking with the people around him and, as we passed them by, he said loudly, (something along the lines of), "It was like, 'Let's get coffee. By the way, this is a date.'" And suddenly, I was sent into hysterics. I was laughing so hard I was nearly crying.

I don't know if this guy was referring to something he himself had done or something that had happened to him, but I know that very experience far too well. Because that's exactly what I did to [No-Mr-Darcy]. Whoops.

And thus, miscommunication leads to awkward situations. Because then everything feels like this:

So, so, so true.

Romancing the Novel

So there's this thing called NANOWRIMO, which stands for National Novel Writing Month. It happens every November and, what crazy people do, is try to write a full-length novel in 30 days. No rereading. No proofing. No going back and changing stuff. Just straight-out plowing ahead, no matter how terrible it is.

I've tried it before, but have never succeeded in meeting the mark. This year, however, [Львица]and I are bringing back our game plan from last year. And this time I'm going to try and see it out.

In our desperation to make some dough, [Львица], [mind ninja] and I decided we would try out hand at Harlequin romance novel writing. It may not be very prestigious or totally estimable, but hey - it'd be published and we'd have some extra moolah. I gave up early on, mainly because my novel got too serious and too Jane Eyre wanna-be. [Львица] had difficulty getting into hers, but [mind ninja] did really well, at least until [novel killer] and [X] declared that her main character sounded exactly like herself and that one of the men was clearly a friend of ours [mind ninja] had had a bad encounter with. So thus things started falling apart after that.

This year, though, no rookie mistakes. So what if I've never been in a romantic relationship ([X] and [novel killer]'s biggest objection to our attempts)? If you've ever read a romance novel, clearly reality is NOT an important part of the plot. I am not going for greatness, I'm not even going for okay.

I'm going to try to write the worst romance novel EVER. Knowing me, I think I can do it. Tacky, cheesy, ridiculous - I'll pile it mile high. Of course, Harlequin probably won't accept it. But it'll be entertaining. That's for sure.

More about this to come. But for now, time to think of a ridiculous title. I'm thinking "Courted in a Kilt." Ah yes... the absurdity of this is just the beginning.

Progress

So this was my least favorite U2 song until I heard it live, in the middle of the pouring rain at the TCF Bank Stadium this summer. And then, suddenly, it hit me how great this song is. Probably because it summed up exactly how I was feeling. And U2 is just fucking incredible live.

I've spent a good part of the last few months stuck in a moment. I didn't even realize how stuck I was until I started getting shaken loose from it. For some wonderful but unknown reason, I started getting out of my blue funk (baking cookies helped. I should remember that that's a great new therapy for me). And then Wednesday night, the news I'd been expecting for months finally appeared - [No-Mr-Darcy] is in a relationship, back together with his ex-girlfriend. Thank God. I don't even care that I was kind of a rebound girl. I'm just glad that poor girl gets a second chance. And that my chance is totally nullified. Finally I can move on. So, I went from U2 to something more like this...

"Let it go, this too shall pass" - thank you, OK Go, for those simple but sage words of wisdom. Finally I can do just that.

And now, I'm more at this point (I swear, I have a song for everything. I could just make my life into an entire musical out of pop songs, show tunes, and classic rock):

Yes, I feel "Violet." Let's call this progress :)

Daydreamer

I'm feeling a bit inspired by another post I came across today: Footwear as Political Salve and [Львица]'s post on Zachary Quinto. So I feel like talking about daydreaming myself. Especially since today's daydreaming consisted of meeting a hot celebrity (which is generally how my ludicrous daydreams seem to go).

I seriously spent like half of today thinking about meeting this guy:

*smolder* I'm John Barrowman.*smolder*

Yep. Thank you, Torchwood, for making me a John Barrowman fan girl. I am now way too emotionally attached to a TV show few people in this country has heard of, photo-stalking celebrities once more, and have fallen again for a taken gay man. I'm sure Barrowman would be just thrilled to know he has a crazy, single straight white girl blogging about him (hey, crazy single straight white girl wouldn't be a bad title for a book...)

Anyway... God, I can't think with this picture on screen. It's terribly distracting. I don't even remember why I wrote this post anymore. Oh yeah, I remember why...

This is from barrowmanilove, a Tumblr page discovered by [Львица]. This conversation,  posted under one of the millions of pictures on the blog, is between barrowmanilove and another Tumblr fan/follower:

barrowmanilove: Sigh… I wanna passionately make out with John Barrowman…….*pout*

phantomjoy: You and me both darlin’ ..you and me both. *sighs*

barrowmanilove: He has been known to kiss a couple ladies to see them blush. ;) 

phantomjoy: yeah, and i wish i were one of those ladies!!

Thanks, barrowmanilove, for putting that idea in my head for the rest of the day. I don't obsess over celebrities to the extend of barrowmanilove... but that doesn't mean I don't obsess at all. I'm blogging about it, goddammit. Clearly it's occupying my thoughts a lot more than other things today. (And a brief note and a tangent; I'm incredibly easily embarrassed. You want to see a lady blush, John Barrowman? All you'd have to do is stand there and I'd be turning redder than a sunburned ginger {my apologies to [Львица] and all other gingers. I couldn't think of any other similes. My brain isn't working so well today if you haven't noticed}.)

Glasses... kilt... puppy in a sweater! Now I think he's just doing this on purpose..

Because I have an overly critical sense of introspection, I of course feel like some sort of pervert for having celebrity crushes. But we've already done this song and dance (see Starstruck). So I won't harp on it again. However, I will awkwardly describe an issue I seem to have. It's called the need to continually be daydreaming about a guy.

See, I've been pretty good about not obsessing over celebrities a ton for a while there. I went through a Paul Bettany obsession after I got back from Scotland, but that was it. It helped me get through the worst of whatever happened between [No-Mr-Darcy] and me. But I swore to myself, no more of the endless needing/clinging to the feeling of crushes, wanting to be in love, etc. I was going to be totally single in my mind and be totally fine with it.

Fail. Total fail.

Not just because I started watching Torchwood. I would have crushed on someone eventually - another actor, a classmate, who knows. But Barrowman is a much better alternative. And he's incredibly good-looking. And I just totally suck at not thinking about being single. I mean, it's like trying not to think of a pink elephant - because then you totally do.

I think this stupid funk I've been in has been greatly due to the fact that I haven't allowed myself stupid daydreams like this. I'm trying to pretend that I'm 100% happy being single when I'm not. And even though it's stupid to compensate with something false, I did feel 200 times better today than I have in quite a while. Less like I'm becoming numb. More like a good old Romantic me and less like a cynical nihilist.

Of course, I'm still not satisfied with that answer. I mean, I still feel like a creep. Lemme put it this way - would you like being in a serious relationship and having people say they want to make out with you all the time? Weird, right?

But considering what I just saw on Facebook like five seconds ago, I'm suddenly really really glad that today was the day I caved in to the hotness that is John Barrowman, as much as it might give me some sort of cognitive dissonance or morality issues. Because I just found out [No-Mr-Darcy] has a girlfriend. Actually I think he got back together with his ex. How about them apples. You know how I feel about that? Relieved. She deserved a second chance. And I could tell just from Facebook that she really f-ing likes him. More than I did. Good for you, girl. I'm glad this saga is done with.

Of course, I'm trapped in another celebrity crush. But what the fuck. Maybe I deserve a little stupid girly fan-girl rampaging. I am my own woman - I know that. So why not kick back and be a bit daft for now? And randomly use British slang...

Family Snapshot

My cousin got married today. Well, I presume he did, because I couldn't actually attend the ceremony.  They changed the date due to getting a location they wanted for cheap right after my parents and I had planned on going (it would have been over fall break for my mom's school so she wouldn't have to take off work). But the sudden, almost last minute change threw us all off and prevented us from making the 11 hour trek down there for an event that would be... well, more than a little awkward.

You see, my cousin - I'll call him [T] - is my age, 20. Actually, I'm nearly 21 and he's five months younger. Last year... or more like a year and a half ago, his girlfriend found out she was pregnant. So at 19 he became a father. They have an adorable little girl but she'll be raised in a strange situation - neither one of them act like parents and, according to my grandmother and aunt, [T]'s girlfriend refuses to learn how to cook and fed the baby formula until she was over a year old. They were planning on getting married next summer but then suddenly they changed their plans when [T]'s girlfriend found out that her sister was getting married too - and she had to get married first. So, in a sudden whirl-wind, they've been planning their wedding since the spring. And today was the big day.

Renaissance Men and Byronic Heroes

I wonder if psych majors have a difficult managing their relationships.

I thought of this as I read a chapter of my social psychology book on "the self." It started after this section on self-awareness (the idea that when people focus on themselves, they compare themselves to... well, themselves; their own values and such. It seems obvious, but that way we're on the same page):

Even when we are self-aware and introspect to our heart's content, it can be difficult to know why we feel the way we do. Imagine trying to decide why you love someone. Being in love typically makes you feel giddy, euphoric, and preoccupied; in fact, the ancient Greeks thought love was a sickness. But why do you feel this way? Exactly what is it about your sweetheart that makes you fall in love? We know it is something about out loved one's looks, personality, values, and background. But precisely what? How can we possibly describe the special chemistry that exists between two people? A friend of ours once told us he was in love with a woman because she played the saxophone. Was this really the reason? The heart works in such mysterious ways that it is difficult to tell.  (pages 125-126, Aronson, Wilson, Akert - Social Psychology, 7th edition)

After this, they site an example from the "old" TV show Friends (seriously, they call it old. Thanks for making me feel ancient, textbook) when Ross makes a list of things he likes and doesn't like about Rachel. This is, according to the author's, a very bad idea.

Consider people like Ross who try to analyze why they feel the way they do about a romantic partner. When people list reasons in this manner, they often change their attitudes toward their partners, at least temporarily... Why? It is difficult to dissect the exact causes of our romantic feelings so we latch on to reasons that sound good and that happen to be on our minds (remember our friend who claimed he was in love with a woman because she played the saxophone?). (page 128, Aronson, Wilson, Akert)


This causes issues for us when we make lists and then list strange things about a person (the textbook mentions a partner annoyingly smacking their gum) instead of more complex things like good chemistry. Thus if we focus on things like gum smacking, we might suddenly decide we're not really in love with our partner and break up with them, then later regret it.

And to make matters even WORSE, the authors mention a study done where men and women are startled on a bridge and the men either immediately evaluated how attracted they were to the woman or asked to evaluate after they crossed the bridge. Those that were evaluated immediately while still startled rated the women as more attractive than those who had calmed down. This "misattribution of arousal" has been found to be true in both women and men. "The moral is this:" the authors say, "If you encounter an attractive man or woman and your heart is going thump-thump, think carefully about why you are aroused - you might fall in love for the wrong reasons!" (page 135, Aronson, Wilson, Akert)

Let's Talk

Dear [X],

I know you don't read this blog, but if you by chance you do, let's just come clean here and now. You called me last night with the intentions of talking to me about some issues I won't discuss here (you asked me not to mention it to anyone; I'm trying not to but easier said than done, you must know). The only problem is: I caused those issues. I did. You SAID the things you don't remember saying, and I told the parties involved that you said them. Why? Because I thought you meant it. You seemed serious. But now you don't even recall saying it, ever, to anyone. Are you really that flippant about what you say about your friends? Are the conversations we had together really that forgettable?

I don't know why you call me to discuss these sorts of things. I really don't. Do you expect me to tell you that you're wrong, that you don't sound like a bitch sometimes and that people always misjudge you? I can't let you play the victim; I don't want to pity you. You put me in the middle of something that shouldn't have sides and it's very difficult for me to deal with. You expect me to agree with you on everything, but I don't. I never did. I don't know what you want from me. I DIDN'T cause these problems. And if you know that I told someone something that you didn't want repeated, how was I supposed to know it was secretive if you don't remember saying it in the first place? If you're trying to subliminally cause me to feel guilty, I refuse to. Yes, I do have a tremendous ability to blame myself for things I didn't do - don't use it against me.

This isn't even a problem with the people whom you've had issues with. This isn't because of [Львица] or [mind ninja] or even [the artist] or [shortage of perfect breasts]. This is because of you. I don't mean this as blame; I mean this because you're insecure with yourself, you're worried anytime anyone says something bad about you, you can't seem to understand that the things you say HURT people. I know that - I'm hurting you right now. But whenever anyone calls you out on something, you never stand by it. You never defend what you say. You just give in and get upset. Maybe you should explain WHY you think the things you do. Because if you can at least defend your ideas, people will be less likely to hold it against you; they'll see that they disagree. But when you just give in, you make yourself feel worse, you make them feel worse and you cause more misunderstanding. I've done it in the past, I KNOW how this plays out. That's why I'm trying to be honest with you now, even if it's only starting here, in a place you don't know exists. I have to be cruel to be kind.

Here is the sad, unfortunate, brutal truths of the world: people are going to dislike you. People are going to see the world differently than you and you may not like what they see. People are going to say hurtful things about you. Especially if you say things that can be taken badly first. Words can be beautiful and dangerous tools - we should know; we're writers.

I cannot help you any more than that. I don't know how to tell you that things have changed between us, that we aren't as close as we used to be, that I'm not the same person that I was four years ago. I don't know how to do this without pushing you away. It'd be easier if we'd both excepted the changes and just moved on. But if told you the truth, you'd just cling to the present, to all the great and terrible things I've said. It's an issue with time and opinion we've got here, but I have to make myself clear: I believe what I believe. If we disagree, we disagree. And we're going to have to accept that maybe our differences set us apart now. Maybe it's time to go.

This doesn't mean I think you are a bad person, or that I don't like you or that I don't in some way still consider you a friend. It just means that I don't know you anymore. I'm not really sure you know yourself. The girl I went to high school with would never have been called the things people said about her. So the fact that people are makes me doubt you as much as you seem to doubt people's recollections of events. I can't defend you if I don't know you. And I won't defend you anymore. I'm busy trying to defend myself from other events that have erupted in my life. You need to learn STRENGTH, dear [X]. It isn't easy, it isn't pleasant, but it's the only way. If you can't believe in yourself, what can you possibly believe?

I can't tell you how to do this, [X], anymore than I can tell you how to resolve the weirdness we're now facing. I've stated my opinion enough here. And now, it's time to hear yours. We're going to disagree, but it's the only way we can possibly find understanding, the only way to get through to each other.

But I can't make that decision. It's up to you now.

Love Bites - But Bites Heal

My "love" horoscope from Friday:   Your emotional concerns are taking precedence right now, Scorpio, and this may impede your progress with love. You are well known for your intensity, but you are not quite fulfilled in terms of balancing that intensity with the day to day grind. Many of your emotional concerns stem from external forces or people, and you need to remember that you can not control the actions of others, no matter how much you would like to. You are best to stop taking things so personally, and understand that sometimes other people's issues are theirs and not yours. You've put a lot of work into your emotional health, so you should not let the issues of others threaten that.  Yeah, thanks for the heads up. Too bad I didn't read it until too late. I decided to break down and ask [X] about what the hell was going on with [No-Mr-Darcy], if he'd ever so much as mentioned me. She said she hadn't really talked to him about anything more than school stuff and, in a nice motion of trust and sincerity, said she wouldn't ask him about me as it would seem like breaking a friend code. That's a nice way of saying that, if he hasn't brought it up, then he doesn't care.
Unless he does and it just hurts too much to mention...
See? See what this is? This is stupid. This is me thinking that [No-Mr-Darcy] thinks like me. Which is stupid. I think like me - I can't assume that anyone else in the universe ever would. But I do. And it always ends up with me taking things too personally. A lot of the emotional shit I've been bouncing around in my head probably deals with this issue and I just need to let it go. Basically, I need to do this: 

 Thank you, Sara Bareilles, for once again saying exactly what I was thinking :)