"It's all about the triumph of intellect and romance over brute force and cynicism." Okay, so that's Craig Ferguson talking about Doctor Who, but this blog endeavors exactly that. Lofty yes, but what the hell, why not. Onward, my romantic intellectual companions!
I have been away from this blog for far too long. It's not that I haven't had things to talk about (I've had plenty) I just found myself busy with other things - summer classes, novel writing, gallivanting about Minneapolis, musing greatly on the elegance of hedgehogs (both blog-wise and novel-wise). I've also found myself thinking greatly about change and feeling much more accepting of it than in the past. Especially as one of my friends from high school got married this summer and, as she was the first to do so in my group of friends, it was a big leap for me mentally. But if there are perfect couples in the world, [action is eloquence] and her husband are it.
www.facebook.com/pages/J-May-Images/142770071996
Also, some time ago I was nominated for the Most Versatile Blogger award by MAG (many thanks for this!)
And I am thus-wise required to provide a list of 7 bloggers who are relatively new to blogging. I don't really have any, so I'm just providing the links to 7 blogs I really love:
So that's all for now. More updates coming soon, I think with school starting up again I'll have random stuff to yammer about. But if I'm not around, feel free to check out my other blog: Martin Freeman is not a hedgehog. Cheers!
Generally I wouldn't write a blog post about this sort of thing, but perhaps it's best to get it off my chest than trying to avoid it. It's easier for me to work through writing anyway, so here it goes.
Back in early April, while my parents were coming back from a spring break trip to visit family in Indiana, my mom had a heart attack. Fortunately enough they were back in Minnesota when it hit and somehow (miraculously, perhaps) they were able to find a clinic to stop at, where she was airlifted to Abbot Heart Hospital. I'd never visited anyone in the hospital before this and it is the strangest feeling, especially when it is one of your parents. She had three stents placed in her heart and found has a heart condition that is hereditary (and
it's likely I have it too) called hypertropic cardiomyopathy that causes
higher risk of heart attacks (yes, I like using big words). It was really serious, really scary, and really shocking, but my mom made a completely recovery. I spent my Easter there, playing Clue with my parents and watching the Twins lose their season opener and, while it was a little strange, it was okay. My mother was doing really well and, with medication, diet, and cardio rehab, things were great.
Then over Memorial weekend, another completely unrelated event sent my
mom to the hospital. She had an umbilical hernia that was causing
blockage and she needed immediate surgery. Again, it was serious, it was
scary, and it was surprising, but she's out of the hospital as of
Saturday and doing just fine. It's all a bit of a shock, made all the more surprising by how few health problems we've had in our family before. Sure, we have a long history of health problems (I have a great uncle who died at 10 of a heart attack; if you look up stuff on the heart condition that my family has you'll understand why) but nothing that's immediately affected either of my parents. It's been kind of rough.
But I can't let it get me down. Things could be worse. I'm just so grateful that my mom is such a strong woman and has dealt with all this marvelously. She amazes me.
Well, it's New Year's Eve. And you know what that means: resolutions. Usually for me this means going to a friend's house for a New Year's Party, feeling awkward, hearing everyone talk about how they feel overweight and how their resolutions for next year are to loose weight and find their soul mate, and then feeling like a douche when you make a witty or personal resolution.
You can see why I'd be a little reluctant to make my own. But I'm going to. Because I know what I'm capable of and what I want. And I know what I want to challenge myself to do. It's not going to be anything simple or petty or what I think people want to hear or what my insecurities make me think. It's going to be legit :D So here we go.
1) Work Out: I don't mean loose weight. At all. I don't need to loose weight, goddammit. That said, I would like to feel more fit. I can't help wanting to get rid of my love handles and maybe feeling like I could be a ninja, work for Torchwood, or survive a zombie apocalypse (or at least, you know, run without hurting my pathetically weak ankles). Namely, I want to feel more bad-ass and build some more self-esteem. So gym time it is.
2) No more putdowns directed at myself: There are enough people out there putting me down each day without me needing to do it myself. I don't know where this whole negativism thing started (Catholic school humbleness gone wrong, too many friends who've ditched me, too many friends who have insecurities themselves and reverse it by slamming me) but there's no use for it. There's no reason to blame myself for things THAT WEREN'T MY FAULT. I know what my faults are. And they don't need to be over-analyzed or blamed all the time.
3) Write a goddamn novel: Self-explanatory. I've got two started right now. If I can finish at least one (not totally finish, but get an end and a solid draft) I will be pretty damn proud of myself.
4) Be What I Am: I'm already doing pretty well this but, you know, it doesn't hurt to remind myself to stick with it :)
So Happy New Years, world - I'm gonna sign off and eat some tacos and drink some champagne. See you in 2012!
So [Львица] stayed up late last night, having a conversation about how I was feeling in regards to the situation with [X]. She told me to stop beating myself up and blaming myself for things. Along with many other genius thing, which I will attempt to briefly reiterate here.
Like how people who used to be shy (I am certianly one of those) aren't used to no one liking you; we're afraid of making enemies when it's time to say our own opinion. It's why [X] is afraid to say her opinions, afraid of what it's going to be like. Because she doesn't want to lose people. And it's the same for me.
But we're going to lose people. We're going to make mistakes. That's why regret exists in the world. We have to fight. Because it's sadder to let someone win without a fight
There is something to be learned from how [novel killer] acts - she doesn't concede. I wouldn't want to be that extreme (especially in light of recent events). But she at least what she gets what she needs to say out there. Otherwise, as [Львица] it's like a film on top of the water, with people not saying everything they want to say.
"I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did," [Львица] told me. She described to me how we're a lot of different people in our lives and, as we grow up, we have to let one go and it's like grieving for a person who's died. We have a fantasy of ourselves in our heads, a fantasy that [Львица] said she lived for eight years of who she could be. Yet she never touched who she was - she had no real idea. She was a soul untouched and the time to find out who she was had arrived. She likened it to idealizations of love - how after you really fall in love, you read books and hear music in a different way. You can think about what it will be like, but you won't really know until you know.
There's a barrier between us - a barrier of time and life. But you have to press up against the glass, to make it your own words, to make it your own.
http://tuttoinbiancoenero.tumblr.com
So it was with these thoughts that I started today. And started it very well, I might add. Until the shit hit the fan once more. [novel killer] has sent me a message about doing Secret Santa for the Christmas part and I told her this:
I think [X] is still in charge of Secret Santa, actually. [Львица] and I weren't planning on doing it.
And then she said:
All right. She said you wanted to be in charge, so I figured I'd ask.
And then I said:
Well, we just offered to let her have the party here and she misinterpreted it as us wanting to take over the party; we just wanted to offer our apartment as a venue. Sorry for the confusion .
And then it ended up at this from [novel killer]:
Stop stop stop. No. [X] informed me last night that you had messaged her asking if it was okay if you did, and said said it was fine if you did, but she'd be upset about it but if some something she had to work out by herself. That would be you wanted to take over the party. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, so that's why I asked you this. And yes, she was upset, but it was more of because she'd been doing it for years.
Frankly I think everyone needs to get over their hatred for the little stuff. It's stupid. Everything's not about you (as in individuals). It's about together. [X] being upset about losing control is not about you wanting to take it over, it's symbolic of the fact that the times have changed and she's trying to deal with it. It's Christmas. I don't need this, no one needs this. I have familial stuff going on right now that's going to be a huge sour note during Christmas, so the last thing I want it to have a petty party with friends that I won't enjoy the company of because they're all being petty. And it's not just you. You'll probably take it that way and tell [Львица] and then people will hate me, but whatever. Just try to remember the things people do usually have nothing to do with you as a person. (That goes for everyone.) I would give everyone this speech, but unfortunately you're the message I got this morning and therefore you get the brunt of it.
I know you're not very happy with [X] for whatever reason, but you know what? Whatever it is, I guarantee it's a stupid reason. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's stupid. So you know what? Get over it. Everyone should get over their stupid things with each other and move on. Why? Not because it's Christmas. Not because we want to be the bigger person. Why? Because we're friends. And good friends should love near-conditionally. {I think she means non-conditionally.} Because people fuck up, and your friends are supposed to forgive you for it. Like if I yelled at you for an hour because I was so angry from outside sources and your little thing happened to be the thing that set me off? As a friend, I would expect you to forgive me without be having to say anything once we cooled down. Because that's what friends do. And we were great friends. Unfortunately college has separated us. And now we're not during the year, but we still should have that bond. And if we don't, why are we having Christmas with one another? Because if we're not friends enough to forgive each other of expressing opinion and not get catty and guilt-trippy, then we shouldn't have Christmas at all.
And that's the reason I haven't even posted on the Christmas thread yet. I wanted to see how this played out. And I hope my friends prove me wrong, but we'll have to see.
Also, thanks for completely ignoring [musical queen]. (note the sarcasm). I know she can be a handful, but she is our friend, and either you or [Львица], since you decided the date seeing as it's your place, could've politely told her that you can't have the party when she's in town because of [Львица] not being in town.
Anyway, I hope you give this some thought instead of taking it as [La Maga]-bashing and hate me forever instead of something our entire group needs to work on. (Except for maybe [foxy lady], and ha, ironically [musical queen] who has never passed judgement on any of you because she genuinely likes you.)
Needless to say, this kind of tore me up when I saw it. Okay, that's a lie. IT FUCKING DEVASTATED ME. This isn't the first time something like this had happened between [novel killer] and me though. She sent me a really terrible message on Facebook back in my freshman year, one that made me hate myself so much I actually toyed with the thought the thought of jumping of the Washington Avenue bridge because I felt like entire world loathed my guts. I don't think [novel killer] realizes how much power her words have - especially over me.
We didn't exclude [musical queen] from party plans - [Львица] talked to her separately. As for the rest of it... I don't know. She clearly blames me for everything that happened here - and then some. A lot of it doesn't make sense. How can she say my problems are just stupid without even knowing what they are? How can I non-conditionally care about a person when they write poisonous things like this and don't seem really reciprocate that? Why is okay for people to take out their cathartic problems on me but when I actually have a problem, it's stupid?
Beats me. I think it's crap. Really, I do. Despite how shitty I felt during social psych (which was ironically about female aggression, in which we discussed Mean Girls - which I'd actually just seen) I was feeling much less shitty and blame-worthy. I'm not gonna take it, dammit. I have feelings - I have rights. I am my own woman. And though I did what she expected I would - I showed it to [Львица], I don't hate her as a person. I hate some of the things she does but I don't hate HER. I'm just worried about her. Because this and what she was telling [Львица] isn't healthy. There's a lot of hate built up there and I'm worried for her.
Good thing is, I talked with [X] tonight and straightened some things out. We're back on friendly terms and I feel like we could be moving to a much stronger, healthier relationship. I hope so at least. And the funny thing about anger - once you get an apology, you can't remember why you were mad in the first place. This new bridge into... wherever....It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm going to find out what's going on with [novel killer] and I'm going to keep working to be the strong, fabulous woman I know I can be. I've seen it. I can do it.
Just the other day, I had this dream that [X] was going to propose to her boyfriend. And what do I see on Monday when I log on to Facebook between classes? That she's broken up with him.
I have to admit, I was surprised. I mean, she went back and forth in her words about their relationship, but it seemed like she was planning on the long haul (but honestly, who doesn't?) Just over the summer she was talking about grad school in Milwaukee to be near him.
And yet another relationship ends. He was her first boyfriend, after all, but still... it didn't even last a year. The only two people I know well who aren't single are [shortage of perfect breasts] and [action is eloquence] - a friend I made in the early years of high school who is getting married(!!!). And, according to [X], [shortage of perfect breasts] is still with her boyfriend only because she's settled for her current boyfriend because she doesn't think she can do better.
Other than [action is eloquence], not much of this is very encouraging for one who has yet to enter the realm of dating. The whole endeavor begins to look rather futile and impossible. Also, everyone has chosen this week to complain about how alone they are in the world and say that love doesn't really exist. But I refuse to believe that.
I will not give into the cynical. I will stand my ground. I believe in romance. Despite all odds.
Cue the triumphant trumpet fanfare! Release the doves and sprinkle glitter everywhere! I know this may sound hokey. I know this may sound repetitive. But I need to remind myself of this stuff and not get all hopeless and give up.
You see, I've rarely seen people make love a priority in the life. No where outside a romance novel, at least. And in romance novels, it borders on absurd, because nothing else matters - hell, the plot doesn't even matter except for the relationship between the two main characters. But that's not what I mean here. What I mean, is, it's rare that I've seen love regarded seriously in my age group - being more important than school, more important than work, more important than the trials of everyday life, for just a minute in their days. Maybe I've spent too much time around [X] - she once told me that love made her feel bad, weak, out of control. Of course, that was reciprocated love (which I too have felt... and yeah, that's actually true). As for mutual love - well, I can't speak for that, but I certainly hope her opinion is different now. When I talked about crushes (in high school, that is - I wasn't as close to [Львица] as I am now) I always felt like people (meaning [X] and [novel killer]) thought I was just being silly and never seemed to treat my crushes with same importance they treated theirs. Even with [No-Mr-Darcy] I felt a somewhat lack of sincerity. Perhaps it's because I've had a lot of star crushes (Heath Ledger, Paul Bettany, Ewan McGregor, John Barrowman, you get the idea...) that they just don't take me seriously. Have I had an unusual amount of star crushes? I don't know... but I digress. Again.
Originally over Thanksgiving Break, [X] invited me to go along with her to interview [action is eloquence] about her work as a photographer for some class that [X] is in. I was kind of excited about it - I mean, I have my issues with [X] but we can have really good heart to hearts and I was hoping to maybe talk honestly about what happened this summer (and once and for all put the cap on this whole jar of [No-Mr-Darcy] business. God does that feel like a light year ago...). But then I didn't hear anything from her and I saw the thing about the break-up on Facebook and I told her via comment on the relationship status (wow, how personal of me) that I was hear for her if she wanted to talk.
Nothing. Not a word. Her ex has been babbling away on Facebook like nothing happened. And she hasn't been online at all. I wonder if he broke up with her... He is living with his ex-girlfriend. Yikes.
Okay, okay, gossipy speculation not important. What is important is that not all things are bleak. Though there is a somewhat dim history of relationships with my high school friends: [foxy lady] dated a douchebag for way too long, and [shortage of perfect breasts] has "settled" for a guy who won't accept my friend request on Facebook (what did I do to you?! We've met like four times and we had a conversation about Torchwood and Doctor Who! Okay, so it was more like you said something, [shortage of perfect breasts] said something, I said something, [shortage of perfect breasts] said something, you said something, etc but STILL. Why?!) [tiny dancer] has had her fair share of hardships with boys (somewhat thanks to [shortage of perfect breasts]? 'Tis a rumor. And another story) and [uber gay] has dated more men than the rest of us combined and seemed to have gotten pretty badly upset by his boyfriend breaking up with him (a first - usually he does the breaking off). [mind ninja] has had problems, as has [the artist] who loved a man who can never be hers. And [it's a twin thing] - well, neither of them have shown much interest in dating. And then [novel killer] likes to complain about her ex-boyfriend from high school and dreams of the Spaniard from London but also makes out with [musical queen] in her spare time (which is described by [musical queen] like Santana and Britney from Glee. OK...) (By the way, I will be shot for having this knowledge. Just an FYI). And of course, [musical queen] has her own dating issues too. And [wolf woman] - who knows. I don't really know her any more, honestly. And of course [Львица] has had major ups and downs. And then that brings in [The Question]. And... and... and...
You get the picture.
Of course, that's NOT to say everyone around me has only had totally depressing relationships. [shortage of perfect breasts] seems happy. [Львица] and [The Question] have taught me more about relationships without their knowing it than I ever thought I could learn without actually being in one (so... weirdly enough, thanks guys). All of these guys and gals above have thousands of opportunities before them. They are all great, wonderful people. There is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't find somebody out there in this wide, wide world.
It's so easy to see how wonderful everyone else is, but when I think about myself, I can't say I easily think those things about myself. I see how other people act in relationships and I wonder how that could ever be possible for me. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to be like my friend [amante della musica] who just seems to have a really close gay guy friend, like Will and Grace, than trying to understand the modern dating world, which totally baffles me (maybe I should have been reading Cosmo in my teen years instead of Jane Austin, to at least help me understand what's going on, instead of the sort of culture shock I seem to find myself in).
This whole conversation, however, leads me utterly off topic. Let's save this for another time, shall we?
The good news is, I'm officially playing flute at a wedding - at [action is eloquence]'s. She's the first of my high school friends to get married, and though it seems a little strange (she's only a year older than me! Marriage - ahhhh!) for her it seems right. She acts far older than her young age and she and her fiance have been together for several years. Also, she just seems... ready. Unlike my cousin who just seemed to do it for paternal obligations. [action is eloquence] is doing it because she really loves her boyfriend.
You feel that warm, flickering feeling like a tea light candle? That's called hope.
I was standing
in my room on my birthday, looking out the window and watching it snow,
listening to "Science and Religion" from the movie Angels and Demons
playing on my iPod and I felt like everything had changed. Changed for
the better. I mean, just a few days before, I was feeling a bit down. I
felt like I was a bad friend, unable to connect and comfort when those I care about need me. I felt misunderstood, for about the two hundredth time in my life, and for no obvious reason. I was having that stupid fear again that I'm actually borderline (this needs more explanation than I can provide here. Later, my friends. Later). I was wondering if I actually can understand people or if I'm just some kind of alien being that pretends to understand but really doesn't get it because... well, because I'm an alien.
This is, of course, ridiculous. And not true. Just because I feel misunderstood and cut-off and confused every once in a while does not make me not human. I think that's just a basic part of humanity - to fear that you don't understand. When clearly, it seems I do. [Львица] keeps saying all these wonderfully kind things about me, showing that all my worries are unfounded and baseless. All the well-wishing I received on my birthday made me realize that people do not in fact dislike me or ignore we or not care about me. And that I am a nice person who should be nicer to herself.
For some reason, I've been waking up in the morning feel like anything is possible. I mean, I'm not really that pessimistic - but I'm never this much of an optimist. I feel like all my dreams could come true. I feel like I took the right step, did the right thing, am finally moving in the right direction. Towards what, I don't know. But it all feels like this:
Sitting in O'Donnovans on my birthday, hearing Mumford and Sons and Van Morrison blasted out of the speakers above me made me feel oddly magical. There I was, sitting in an Irish pub on my birthday that was somehow magically a bunch of my favorite songs, like they were doing it on purpose. It was ridiculous, but I felt like I was supposed to be there at that moment, that I was chosen for something, that everything was happening for a reason. It was probably just birthday elation getting to me, but I don't know... I went to the gym to work out today, for the first time since high school, and I felt this odd sort of determination I haven't had in a long time. It's not that I've been totally lackluster about things - I mean, I have been bored with classes and going through mood swings (but that's rather typical for me). What I've been feeling is some part of me awakening that was some dormant, or some new part of me I'm no longer afraid to show. I kind of feel... well, I feel utterly comfortable with myself. And it's a nice change.
So fuck that shit about not feeling good enough, about thinking that there's something wrong with me and that, because I'm different I'm not right, not normal, not human, that because people don't talk to me much and because I have few friends that it means I'm a bad person. Fuck that. None of that is true. There's a difference between helpfully criticizing yourself and being a hazard to your personal well-being. I think I've been too much of the later. But no more - none of that. I know I'm a crazy, moody Scorpio but this time I think this attitude is going to stick around. Maybe 21 is the age where I finally stop being so negative about myself, for once and for all. Maybe, this time, I'll live up to all my talking and actually walk the walk and be what I am.
Sometimes I don't know why I write this blog. Here lately I've begun to wonder if it's just a waste of time. It's not academic, nobody really wants to hear me talking about my life, how great I think Torchwood is, how I'm obsessed with British culture and Byronic heroes. Sometimes I wonder why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.
This, of course, comes up because I'm terrified that I'm doing things wrong. My whole life, I've worked for I don't know what... and it's terrifying to recognize that. I'm here in school, basically marking time now until I graduate and trying to find things that set me up and make me look distinctive for an internship that I, until recently, have only dreamed about getting. Well, am still dreaming about getting. I can see it in my own reality... it just seems too fantastic. I think of it as the impossible dream for a reason. But I don't know what I'm doing. If things don't work out, what am I left with? Is blogging really every going to pay off? What if I never finish writing any of the countless things I've started? What if I don't get any internships and graduate with no idea of what I want to do in life?
These questions really start to bog me down, especially after the event I just experienced. I was supposed to let the roofer into the apartment building to do some maintenance, I couldn't find him anywhere. I couldn't call him back because I didn't have his number and, when I did get his number, it was an hour after I was supposed to meet him and I'd already spent a half an hour walking around the outside of the building looking for him. Apparently he was there for about five minutes and left so it totally wasn't my fault. BUT I WAS PISSED. It made me feel so small, so powerless. This job is already rough sometimes because every once in a while, I get the feeling that people don't believe we can actually do this job because we're women. And then I feel like I just can't do this job because I'm 20 years old and I don't exactly look like a manager. And then I just feel like shit. So basically I was just pissed off about being treated like shit. And suddenly, all the things that had made my day good seemed unimportant and trivial. So what if Jules, my CSCL advisor, said that there's absolutely no reason not to try for the Late Late Show internship? So what if I overcame the bystander affect we were talking about in psych class and didn't assume that someone was going to return the key I found in the bathroom and instead returned said key to a very grateful woman in the writing center? So what if I feel like I'm actually going to have an interesting (if totally embarrassing) Nanowrimo story this year? So what if I totally have a celebrity crush on John Barrowman and dream about working for Craig Ferguson and want to be a famous writer? None of that matters because I suck at my job and no one respects me and no one cares about me and I fail at life. At least that's how I felt until I had a little cry, vented to [Львица] and listened to the title song from the musical "Sunset Boulevard" because it's been stuck in my head all day (again, showtunes invading my mind...)
Clearly, I don't suck at my job, people respect me, people care about me and I don't fail at life. But it's hard to think about and appreciate all the things I've accomplished when so many things I want are just... so lofty. I don't think I'm an egotist, I just think I ask a lot out of life. But when am I asking too much? But I so, so so much want to believe this:
Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I be allowed to dream crazy dreams? Why shouldn't I be allowed to try for something incredible? The real trick to all this is keeping my hopes up without getting to overconfident and then totally destroying and disappointing myself. But why shouldn't I at least dream about interviewing, getting the internship, meeting celebrities, just a little bit? It keeps me motivated. It keeps me positive. It keeps me sane.
Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more than what I am to prepare myself - working at some job half the time or leading some student government position or something. But some of those things aren't who I am. And there is only so much I can do in the time that has been given to me. Which is a frightening, staggering thought on many levels... though it's got a nice Lord of the Rings vibe to it. Yes, I don't have much time left before I graduate, before that deadline for the internship is due, before I have to decided what I'm going to do with my life before I kick the bucket and accept that mortality is a fact of life. Unless you're Jack Harkness, of course. But on that plus side, I shouldn't make myself do things I don't really want to do or give up things that truly matter to me. I'm going to run out and overwork myself and let my grades suffer just to impress someone. I'm not going to get involved with something I don't really care about. I'm not going to give up blogging just because I don't have that many followers or I feel like no one cares what I think or because Blogger will never recommend it to anyone and pretends this page doesn't exist. I don't blog for anyone, exactly - I blog because I can. I blog because I enjoy it. I blog for me.
Because when things get rough, it's nice to know that I have this thing, this creation of mine to fall back on. It's a nice comfort. Not to mention I'm finally happy with how the layout looks.
Now, if you don't mind, I'm to stop blogging for a while and go write the worst romance novel ever written and stop being such a gloomy schmuck. Ridiculous sappy storyline - Go!
So check this out on: How Doctor Who Became My Religion. Not only does it talk about how awesome the TV show is, it also features Craig Ferguson (I love how all of my interests seem interconnected. Like within a few degrees of each other. I wonder where Kevin Bacon fits in...)
Okay, okay, so I don't watch Doctor Who, I watch Torchwood. BUT they are connected. Thus I am kind of almost a Doctor Who fan. I have seen the episode about the weeping angels... but then again so has everyone else.
If anything, I want to watch the show to figure out where Torchwood came from (which I kind of know, it involves Queen Victoria and werewolves... and stuff). But I also feel like it's a show that's popular in the U.S. but not THAT popular. And Craig Ferguson loves it so obviously it's pretty cool.
Of course, some of my friends will say I started watching because they said it was cool or because Craig Ferguson said it was cool (which they' be some percentage right. It gave me initiative). But really what interests me is the bit about Doctor Who is the bit Cracked.com mentions that the show portrays - that we are not alone against evil. And the bit from Ferguson's sketch - about intellect and romance overcoming brute force and cynicism. WELL SIGN ME UP. I need way more of that in my life. Spending all weekend dealing with the remains of stress from school, working at the apartment and general everyday issues only to have [X] call me up with the need to complain about something petty and then suddenly have to go when I want to talk about myself is TOO MUCH. I need HOPE. I need romance and intelligence and faith and goodness to be rewarded at the end of the day. And I can get that in fiction, in sci-fi, in these two British TV shows. And if that makes me a nerd - well, I've always been a nerd. Or as Ryan, a guy in my Italian class said, "Nerds are just passionate. Everyone's a nerd." Damn right. Truer words have never been said.
I once again spent my night in a place I wouldn't exactly consider my scene - a casino. But not for gambling, no, not for that. Instead, I saw a comedy show featuring Craig Ferguson, a FANTASTIC Scottish comedian who hosts "The Late Late Show" on CBS and was on 'The Drew Carey Show." It was basically a dream come true, as I have been dying to see him since about... oh, junior year of high school? I have long believed that he is the funniest man in the universe. And this show reaffirmed this belief.
The show opened with a guy named Randy Kagan, who was super funny. Not as funny as Craig, but still fantastic in his own right. Then Craig Ferguson... ah, Craig Ferguson. If you can survive a rough Glaswegian childhood and alcoholism and still be this goddamn happy and funny, then you, my friend, are AMAZING. I just don't know how he does it. He starts off with a topic, then goes off on this tangent and, by the end of the show, he's back to where he started. It's incredible. And you're laughing so hard the entire time your sides ache. This guy can tell you a story about drinking 12 pints of Guinness and then taking acid and, while being completely honest about the situation, still make it humorous without sugar coating anything. I've heard comedy called tragedy plus someone that's not you, but I think maybe there's something a little bit deeper than that to really good humor. Something more sincere and emotional.
But whatever, I'm getting way too Oprah here. The point is, I had a not-so-great week. I kept feeling clumsy and exhausted and insecure and finally, FINALLY I feel good again. Somewhere between the jokes about Hitler having a nice ass because of goose-stepping and the bits about how Ren Fests aren't authentic because people have all of their teeth, all the little petty things that bothered me throughout the week evaporated. I'm laughing too hard at Canadian jokes and Craig Ferguson playfully making fun of himself that suddenly, nothing else matters. Douchey landlord? Bah. Awkward social life? Whatever. Being mostly unemployed and having no idea what to do with my life? Not important. Craig Ferguson making me laugh so hard I'm crying? NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.
That's right, bitch - I know I'm funny
Humor for the win. I highly recommend watching this guy. Like, right now. Get off this blog watch him on Youtube, and laugh your ass off. And if you don't laugh... well, I can't help you there. But tell you what - I'll give you two videos for the price of one: one of my old favs and a random one I just came across. Not the same as seeing him live. But it'll do, it'll do.
This keeps happening - every once in a while, someone I knew from high school will pop into my mind and I wonder why I haven't seen their statuses on Facebook for a while. Then, awkwardly, I'll realize they've unfriended me. It isn't a big deal, in face I shouldn't even be concerned about it. But it's just... well, strange.
I'm not a particularly outgoing person. Despite how much I jabber away on this blog, I don't actually jabber this much in person. Maybe it's because I don't communicate enough that people decide, "Oh, she never talks to me. Why should I keep her as a friend?" But I'd like to keep in contact with people from high school, even if I didn't know them that well. Take [singer/songwriter/doctor] for example. She and I go to the same university. We had a bunch of classes together in high school. She's friends with my best friend from high school, [Broadway baby]. She's someone I just casually know, but know enough to be Facebook friends with - or so I thought. But yesterday I noticed we're Facebook friends no longer.
This sort of thing tends to get me paranoid. Did I say something to offend them? Am I just too obnoxious? Not obnoxious enough? Not cool enough? Do I just make people want to run in the other direction?
Fuck that shit. I am a perfectly fine person. I don't need to have a bunch of friends on Facebook or have a bunch of people follow me on Twitter to feel liked (though it certainly helps...) I like myself the way I am, even if I have to sing "I Am What I Am" a thousand time a day to make myself believe it. I have the friends I need and the friends I don't can go do their own thing. And if people don't like me for who I am - tough shit. I am sick of feeling inadequate around people who don't care anyway. So go ahead, people from high school, unfriend me. You don't know me now anyway. You don't know what you're missing out on. :D
Yes, this is the truth in my insecurities - it's actually a cover for how much of a narcissist I am. Watch out, world...
So like five minutes ago, I was talking about how, though [no-Mr-Darcy] was (redundantly) no Darcy, I did realize some things while falling for him. While he didn't stick around for my future, the positive things I realized did and I've decided that they should really have more of a part of my life because I really love these things about my self (cue Adam Lambert, happy peppy theme music and an interview with Oprah). I know this sounds tacky - because it is - but fuck it, I'm going to start keeping a list of things that I feel good about, because: 1) Life is short, 2) Culture is everywhere - even in my hobbies and weird traits, and 3) Don't I deserve the best? (For some reason, that line came out as Gaston saying it in Beauty and the Beast. Don't know why, but as I don't actually a have a 3), I'm keeping it). This is an incomplete list - in fact, this probably won't even be a list, just one thing that I'll blabber on about for a long time, and I'll have to talk about the rest some other time. So bear with me - it's a work in progress ;)
1) Birds: I rock at ornithology. If there's a bird in my backyard, and my parents don't know what it is, I can come up with an answer fast. Probably because I spent most of my youth looking at books about animals and flipping through a book on birds from Minnesota. But hey, biology and stuff about animals was my strongest part of science - let me gloat! (really, science not so much my strong point, no thanks to some of my teachers, so let me brag a little) I'm particulary happy because we've encountered this strange genetic mutation of a duck that's the size of a goose and has the loudest "quack" I've ever heard. Also, he really likes eating peanuts. I decided to name him the Admiral, and as my mom says, "His loud quack sounds like he is always barking orders," the name stuck.
the Admiral, in all his quackish glory
2) Pirate spy: so for reasons that I can discuss later, I have this urge to be a pirate. Except that I know that [Львица] is interested in spying. So I was talking to my mom and created the occupation of pirate spy - people who look like they're just running amok, causing pirating chaos (I mean pirating like Jack Sparrow pirates, not stealing music, by the way) but are actually secretly spying on people. Expect it to be an action movie - right after I star in "Nazi Vampire Hunter."
Yep, going to cut myself off there. I didn't actually think this title would have anything to do with the blog, but it does. It was actually me misremember a lyric from The Gaslight Anthem's "She loves you" - they say something like "if I could navigate your seas" but I was singing something in my head about liberating dreams. And I like that idea, of digging up all the zany dreamy things I like about myself and setting them free. So what do you know - I'm being deeper than I thought. Win :D
You know what makes me feel better about life? Watching a girl from Provence enjoy a bagel, when she's never eaten one before. It gave me a mini-breakthrough. The sort that made me realize how simple things could be if only I could keep my mind de-cluttered. For the things that mean a lot to me are things that, at the day's end, have a shining little glow to them. Like watching someone discover the unique-ness of bagels. Like realizing that this is the best I've felt in months. Like not worrying for once and telling my parents that I'm going to become a pirate spy, and having them laughing and smiling along with me.
Too often, I get bogged down by the shitty things that chain up my hopes. Once I get them out of my head, I'm back on my A-game. Unfortunately, it takes some really depressing days - and some really depressing blogs - to do that. After skimming over my stuff about love and loss, I realize that is some really sad shit and that I failed to do one thing - show that it's made me a stronger person. My friend, [Львица], gave me some great advice during my first romantic experience - no matter what, you'll come out feeling stronger. You might not feel like it now, but you will. I would like to take the chance to say she is 100% right. It came on strong, then faded a bit with my de-cluttering via blogging, but it came back afterwards, and more so today than any other. Perhaps because I finally realized I don't miss the guy ([Львица] called him [no-Mr-Darcy] - which is so fantastic, I have to use it here). Also, it's hit me how much better I feel as a person. I've gotten my first broken heart - and I feel like the shit.. I watched this VH1 thing about Adam Lambert the other night and he said something along the lines of, "You've got to find that part about you that you love and embrace it." In a moment that I can't make up, it dawned on me that I've been spending too much time around people that don't make me love myself. They make me feel like shit. But I'm not shit - I'm THE shit. So fuck you, all yea who dare to make me feel like "half a person" - and then actually call me that (cannot believe you actually said that, [X]. Really?) Hit me with your best shot - because I'm a fucking ninja.
Damn right, Bill Nye.
I realized some things I always knew but had hidden behind all my attempts at fulfilling other's expectations, which has gotten me nowhere. In the words of Adam Lambert (dude, I'm really quoting him tonight) - "I feel like everyone has an opinion of me, and I want a chance to say, 'Well, do you want to hear how I really feel about this?'" [Львица] listens; too many don't. I've always been a bit over the top about my voice getting silence, because I was a quiet kid for too many years. Maybe some people I know are doing the same - but methinks they are overcompensating. I know the world can here me loud and clear - it's time to make it affective. Because it's the things I already know and believe that are enlightening me right now; and it's time to make them glow.
