Why the USPS is dumb

So I'm supposed to be getting rent checks from tenants who aren't living on site right now and they haven't come through. Fearing it may be due to my change of address (I literally just moved down the hall from one apartment to another) I decided maybe I should do a forward address thing on the US Post Office's website so I could actually receive mail.

I filled out all the lines on the online form and was about to submit it when the last page told me it would cost $9.99 for the post office to "handle the change." Also my debit card had to be billed to either my old address or my new address, otherwise the card would be declined for me doing something fraudulent. This angered me for several reasons.

1) I'm pretty sure that my debit card is "billed" (because debit cards don't have bills) to my parents' house, which is technically still my permanent residence. I could change this, except the last time I checked, TCF Bank doesn't recognize that I have an actual account with them because I have this weird debit card program through the University and my card actually expires when I graduate so I should probably look into getting a different card... The point is, the USPS fails to take into account the weird living situations of college students. Which is kind of annoying.

2) I am not changing the billing address for my debit card for 12 months when there probably isn't any actual mail to forward and whatever I was supposed to get probably just got lost because -

3) The post office sucks. Really. WHO CHARGES 10 BUCKS FOR A CHANGE OF ADDRESS? "We need ten dollars to process your change." Really, do you? REALLY? Isn't dealing with change just what the post office is supposed to do on its own? People move! It happens!

So, US Post Office, I am not giving you $10 because I moved one unit over and I have a different mail box. If I don't get my Minnesota Opera updates, oh well. If there's anything else important I'm supposed to get, hopefully you will realize that I am still in this building and, though the apartment number is different, it should still be delivered here. Or just give it to 202. The girl living next door is very nice and I'm sure she won't mind giving me my mail. But for the love of God, please deliver the checks. They've been resent to my new address and I still haven't gotten them.

Screw you, USPS. Screw you.

That's right, boys, I'm a Feminist...

So, with this whole current issue involving Rush Limbaugh, feminism has been on my mind a lot this week. And lo and behold if it didn't come an important issue in both my classes and my life...

We watched Mad Men in my television class (weirdly, right after I'd had a dream the day before about meeting Jon Hamm, one of the main actors from the show, at some sort of celebrity event. Why the hell I was there, I haven't a clue. Why I dreamed about an actor who's show I'd never seen until the next day I also can't explain) and our viewing about some ads used during the airing of Mad Men on AMC led to some discussion of feminism. It got kind of awkward because one guy in my class didn't see an ad as misogynist when many other kids did (just because the misogyny isn't blatant doesn't mean it's any better; in fact I would argue that's the general state of sexism today). Regardless, I had this lingering in the back of my mind and vexing me slightly as I went off to meet up with a girl from two of my classes to study for our midterms.  While in the midst of trying to explain what ethnomusicology was, one of her guy friends dropped by the study lounge where we were. Aside from being distracted from studying, the girl just stopped talking and ignored anything I said about the term at this point. The guy left and we tried to resume studying, during which she said, "Wow, I'm really distracted now." We started going over stuff and then she mentioned, "He's like one of my best friends. And I was embarrassed to sound so nerdy in front of him."

Ahem. Okay, lemme get this straight - you invite me over to study. You really are confused about this stuff. I'm trying to explain it to you, but you don't want to look "nerdy" in front of a friend? You're in the middle of a study session; you're supposed to be studying. It's not being nerdy, it's being a student!

Ignoring the fact that if she didn't want to look nerdy, I must look like a humongous nerd to her (don't care, won't care - am a nerd, will always be a nerd), I wondered exactly what her relationship is with this guy. I can think of only one reason a girl would not want to look "nerdy"/smart in front of a guy - and that's because she likes him. Because, for some explicable reason, many guys in my generation don't like smart girls.

Why? Probably because they're intimated, or don't want to look stupid, or don't want a girl who's clever enough not to take his bullshit, or don't want to argue with her, or - you get the idea. There are a plethora of possible reasons. And usually I wouldn't be so unkind to the male gender, but I'm rather pissed off about this. I mean, considering this might be one of the main reasons why guys want nothing to do with me, it's kind of an big issue. But, girls, here's what you need to know:

http://weasleycansaveanything.tumblr.com/post/18737413970

There you go. Right there. I can put it no better than that. If a guy doesn't like you for being smart, than he doesn't really like you or respect you. And thus he's not worth your time.

This, of course, makes me a feminist. Because I want to be treated like an equal, not an accessory. If you don't want a smart girl, TS, boys, TS. We don't want a guy dumb enough to say he DOESN'T want a smart girl. Because they're clearly operating from some previous state of being where they don't want a woman who's clever and can speak her mind. And they probably think feminism is something bizarre that only involves bra burning and extreme liberals (they also happen to be the sort of guys who don't understand that lesbians are real, but that's an equally frustrating topic for another time). Wrong, wrong, wrong.

I am a feminist, I am smart, and I will not waste my time dating someone who doesn't respect me for being these things. It's not being picky; it's respecting myself. I don't care if I'm alone for the rest of my life because being this way makes me "undateable" (which has to me a myth; it's totally a myth, right, gentlemen?); I'd rather be alone than be with someone who doesn't like me for me. This doesn't make me a man-hater, or a shrew, or any of that shit. No, all I want is someone to treat me the way I would treat them. I WANT to date a smart man because I want to date someone who is my equal. And that's that. Equality - what a novel thought.

So, girls, stop dumbing yourself down for guys, or anyone, for that matter. And guys - ditto. This whole fear of looking smart or nerdy or whatever is ridiculous. If anything, BE NERDY - as a guy in my Italian class said, "Everyone's a nerd, because everyone's passionate about something." Be passionate, be happy, and be yourself. This has been a PSA announcement from [La Maga].

Stronger

This week has been a busy (and unexpectedly dramatic) week in apartment management. I attended the housing fair (on the correct day this time) and got at least six people to give me their info to schedule a tour. However, [Львица] and I have been trying to find someone to move into our apartment in June so I can move in next door and the girl living there doesn't have to worry about subletting. But it's been hard to find two people who want to sublet so early, so we wondered if it might be easier for Britney, the girl who lives in the apartment I'm planning on moving into next year, to find a short-term subletter.

Except that, suddenly, it's not okay to sublet for less than three months in the building; they look for long-term leasing so they don't have high turnover. Which makes sense... but that was NOT what we were told upon filling out the lease. And that's not what any of the other tenants were told by the previous building manager either. So now we have that tricky little issue.

Our boss and building owner had decided to make an exception in order to let someone lease short-term, but before this [Львица] and I were both certain he alluded to giving me another apartment, not the one I wanted. I was unsure how this would solve any problems, but I'm certain that's what he said on the phone the other night. Not that it matters here; there are some battles I can't win and trying to justify myself and show that I am not in the wrong will solve nothing; it is not the point and it doesn't matter here. Unfortunately for me, I have a long history of hating any situation that makes me feel wronged and blamed when I feel I don't deserve to (something I deeply have in common with the protagonist of Jane Eyre) and it's been hard for me to see this situation clearly. However, this situation came up the other night and our boss took offense and [Львица] had to work herself out of a very awkward situation. Every time I think I've gotten better at communication and I think I'm good at what I'm doing, the stark reality of how much work it takes to attain good communication hits me.

http://www.examiner.com/

But instead of focusing out how far I've got to go, I'd rather commend myself for how far I've come. Yes, I could communicate better with my boss. But this is the first real job I've had, I've never met him or spoken with him face-to-face, and sometimes it's hard to express what [Львица] and I have discussed to our boss with just one of us trying to summarize. And given my history of introversion, slight social anxiety, and loathing of talking on phones (which has all but dissipated this year), I'm pretty goddamn pleased with myself. I have become a stronger person - in words, in actions, in many things. And for that, well, I'm quite happy.

Of course, I still have ways to grow and change (who doesn't?) and I'll harbor regrets about not being afraid to speak up sooner. Maybe it was because of Catholic school, maybe it was just who I was or what I was taught when I was young, but arguing with authority is something I had to learn myself, something I never saw accepted or allowed. If it weren't for [Львица] and, oddly enough, my father's new outspokenness about politics, and the fact that I've allowed myself to get really pissed off about some things, I might have never learned to speak my mind. I regret not doing it more in the past; I'll always wish I had spoken up in my high school Biology class when my teacher said that it was possible for AIDS to be passed through kissing which was SO WRONG, instead of just fuming about it later; I should have stood up and TOLD HIM he was wrong.

But the environment and person I was in high school was far, far different from where I find myself now. In college, there's a sense of freedom that I often take for granted. In college, you can break some of the rules. In high school, rules are the only structure there is to cling to.

Not that college is anywhere near perfect. [Львица]'s English class this semester has exemplified over and over again how easy it is for someone to take away the ability of expression (even when they think they are actually opening doors wider when in actuality they are slamming them shut). But I'm infinitely grateful for those who have allowed and encouraged me to speak out; the only thing I have too keep fighting for is the belief that I have the right to do so and that I deserve it. It's not always an easy feat; but I'm working on it. :)

Work Sucks; I know

http://4.bp.blogspot.com/

All has been rather quiet on the apartment front. I say this, of course, while rapidly hamming my fist on the closest available wooden surface. [Львица] and I have been doing apartment showings, trying to convince people that our apartment building is awesome and a great location on campus. And no, sir, there are no pests (Mouse? What's a mouse?) and the noise from the interstate isn't bad (ha, it sounds like a fucking Transformer is out there, 24/7), and really, living in the basement apartments is cheaper in the long run (even if if does look a bit like you're taking residence in something from The Shining). So we're fibbing a bit; welcome to corporate America.

[Львица] recently found out she's gotten accepted for a study abroad program in Russia over the summer, for which she should be celebrated and congratulated. However, I will miss her very much, both as a friend and a roommate. And I will miss her saying, when something nuts happens in the apartment, "I don't want to be here when the walls start to bleed." Trust me, [Львица], if the walls start bleeding while you are abroad, you will be the first to know.

Since [Львица] is going abroad, one of our current tenants - and a former high school classmate of ours - is taking up the reins as building manager. However, I've been doing more building related stuff this semester, which is cool because it makes me feel like a bad-ass adult.

Except for today. Today, I thought, was supposed to be the annual housing fair in the student union. I got semi-dressed up, lugged my computer along, got all the rental applications, and prepared to sell the building to the best of my abilities. Now, I'd been having weird dreams that I'd missed the housing fair or I couldn't find it or the usual stupid bullshit one's brain produces when they're planning on an upcoming event. And so when I walked into the student union and saw no one around the Great Hall and walked in there and realized they were setting up for an event with the Black Student Union, I sort of panicked.

I whipped out my computer, cursed the slow wi-fi on campus, and checked the email account we'd set up for the apartment building. And realized my mistake. One email sent by the building owner said that the housing fair was Tuesday, March 1st. March 1st is today, a Thursday. I figured that he must have made a typo. Another email, one that I apparently didn't pay enough attention to said that the housing fair was Tuesday, March 6th. Clearly this must be the case. Because I'm in the Union now and it sure as hell isn't today.

I was furious about this: partly because I wore a dress and dragged a heavy backpack with me across an icy, snow-covered campus for this. Partly because the building owner gave me two different dates for the event. And mostly because I'm just mad at myself for not double checking and being more prepared.

In my defense, I have been writing the hardest research paper I've ever encountered and it's making my loathe being a psych major. And I've had a general ennui about life that only broke the other day when I decided I sort-of, kind-of know what I want to do with my life. And it's sad to admit, but it's goddamn hard to care about this job when I'm making minimum wage, working infrequently, dealing with repair men who either seem incompetent and make me lose faith in humanity or are very kind and supportive but tell me I should get the hell out of Dodge before this building comes down around me.

Not that it's all bad. I've learned a ton while working here. I've gotten a great resume booster and the building owner has agreed to be a reference for me on an internship application that I'm filling out. It's just... hard, hard when you see these brand new luxury apartments being built and watch the glitz and glamor of the Oscars on TV while you're living in an old brownstone with bad plumbing eating pasta and peanut butter (not together... God, that would be terrible). I'm just tired of being a college student. I think that's what it comes down to. Someday, I'll look back at this job and laugh and smile and be so glad I took it. But that day is not today. So I'm going to sit here and starve (since I didn't bring a snack since I thought I'd be working and am too cheap to buy something to eat) and recklessly daydream and try not to give a shit about anything for a few minutes. Because right now, caring hurts.

Ashamed

http://www.babble.com/

This article came rolling around on my Tumblr dashboard last night and before I even opened it, I had a gut instinct as to what it was going to be about.

I absolutely hate it when I'm right in situations like this.

Sure enough, this Rolling Stone article is talking about Anoka, Minnesota. A town that's only a half-hour away from where I'm sitting now. A town that's cute and picturesque and is the "Halloween Capital of the World" and has a really good restaurant called Serum's.

It is also now the most hated place in America by people I follow on Tumblr. Because nine teens have killed themselves there in under two years because of gay bullying.

Also, it just happens to be Michele Bachmann's district.

Think I'm mad? HELL YES.

Minnesota gets in The Rollings Stones. And what for? GAY BULLYING. IN A TOWN THAT'S ONLY A HALF HOUR AWAY FROM WHAT'S BEEN CALLED "THE GAYEST CITY IN AMERICA."

FUCK.

Ugh. I'm just so upset. Here I am, in my secure little college, going to the Saloon and the Gay 90s and feeling like a great ally and all this and then I read THIS.

It really, really bothers me. And, instead of just sitting here and blogging about it, I'm going to write a letter to Representative Bachmann. It may not make a difference - but it's better than nothing. Minnesota is better than this.

RIP Megavideo

http://phandroid.s3.amazonaws.com

I was very distraught to find late last week that Megaupload (and thus Megavideo, the awesome not-totally-legal source that allowed me to watch three seasons of Torchwood and one season and three episodes of season 2 of Doctor Who) had been shut down.

I can't even blame SOPA. Because SOPA didn't pass Congress. So this whole thing was just an unfortunate timed thing. Which makes me very very very sad. There goes the rest of Season 2 of Doctor Who. There goes my chance to watch Sherlock and Modern Family this semester. Can't the government deal with more important things than internet piracy right now - like, I don't know, the ECONOMY? - and let college students like me (who actually MUST watch TV for a class this semester, thanks guys) continue watching things we love and adore but can't get on American TV? Is it really THAT big of a threat at the moment?

Whatever, guys. Whatever. I'm just going to keep mourning here and complaining for a few minutes longer. Before you guys do something else more important and ridiculous to piss me off. Which you will. 'Cause your politicians.

Wow, I just figured out what to be pissed about next - I'm getting jaded. And cynical. The two things I refuse to become. Grrrrr.... I shall not give in. I shall not become a cynic! Because... well, this:

http://randomoverload.com

 

 But personally, I like this best:

http://www.jarche.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/cynic-460x361.gif

Girls who like Boys who like Boys who don't like Bachmann

Here I am, trying so hard to NOT write another "I hate Michele Bachmann so much" post but have epically failed. I mean, things started off better. I was actually going to write about something I disagreed with in The Advocate. But then Rick Perry pissed off the world,  and I was going to start off there. But then [Львица] stumbled across this. And of course, it was back to Bachmann.

Here's the section I found appalling:

Bachmann warned The Lion King was Gay Propaganda: At the November 2004 EdWatch National Education Conference, Bachmann said the “normalization” of homosexuality would lead to “desensitization”: “Very effective way to do this with a bunch of second graders, is take a picture of ‘The Lion King’ for instance, and a teacher might say, ‘Do you know that the music for this movie was written by a gay man?’ The message is: I’m better at what I do, because I’m gay.”

Basically, I'm going to let Stewie Griffin say what I feel about that. Because words alone aren't going to cut it.

 

I actually forgot that the quote ended that way until I made the pic. Thank you, Stewie, for creating a self-fulfilling prophecy. Bachmann's attempts to keep America from normalizing homosexuality will just make people gay. Yes, that is exactly the point I wanted to make :P

Where I was actually going with this is I kind of loathe Michele Bachmann. It's not that I wish her ill. It's not that I actually want to harm her or any such thing. It's just... the things that she says makes me physically ill and I very much wish she wasn't saying them. Lemme put this in perspective for you.

Before I read this article, I came across one about John Barrowman (thanks to bloggingbarrowman on Tumblr). Now, as the entire universe probably knows by this point, I love this man to the point of being utterly irrational and insane (I'm sorry; he named a his Jack Russell terrier "Captain Jack." If that's not the cutest thing ever, then I don't know what is). Anyway, this article quotes many clever, wonderful things from Barrowman. But this is perhaps one of my favorite:

John is clearly in an impossible situation when it comes to his sexuality. He would like it to not be an issue. He says, 'I'm an actor. Not a gay actor. Is Brad Pitt ever described as a "straight actor"?'

Word. Point is, being gay is not the first thing a lot of actors want to be described as - for reasons we discussed in social psych. Say things like "male nurse" or "black lawyer" or "woman doctor" imply that they are outside the social norms and perpetuate stereotypes. So, using their sexuality as a reason they're better at what they do is... well, flat-out wrong. Or, as [novel killer] said about the subject on Facebook: "Does this mean that Bachmann does view gay people as more talented and thus that is why she seems to not like them? Because that seems to be the only way she could come up with that correlation." Agreed.

Of course, there's a problem with having these concerns so near and dear to my heart. While mentioning this about Bachmann to my dad this morning, the conversation went basically something like this:

Dad: "She's not going to win the nomination anyway, so don't worry about it."
Me: "Yeah, but she's not the only one saying stuff like this."
Dad: "Sure, but I'm more worried about getting four more years of what we have now. That'll really destroy our country."

When you're in an economic crisis, it's difficult to make something like human rights a priority - I sort of touched on this in my politics post. But like I said, I feel like I shouldn't have to choose. Candidates should care about both. But I digress...

And though I have been hating on Bachmann (a lot), something else Barrowman said in that article got me thinking about a TV show that has been troubling me of late:

He was famously rejected for the role of Will in Will & Grace, on the grounds that he was 'too straight'. He rolls his eyes. 'Because I like sports and I like cars, I'm not easy to slot into that "camp" box. To me, it is just pigeonholing. Too easy.'

He believes that the Will & Grace model is a perfect example of what is wrong with the way the big American networks portray 'gayness'.

'If that programme was true to life, Will would have a boyfriend. But they want to perpetrate the myth that he is waiting to be "cured".'

John Barrowman was rejected for the role of Will?! Wow... just wow. I kind of have a special place in my heart for "Will and Grace" because it was the first sitcom I ever seriously watched. And it was the first show I ever saw homosexuals on. But I gotta agree with Barrowman here. I remember one episode - the last episode I watched of it, actually - where Grace wanted to have a baby and for some reason she wanted to have Will's baby and instead of doing artificial insemination, they were going to sleep together. And I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" It seemed totally wrong to me. Let me have NPH explain why:

via the-slow-show.tumblr

There you go - how simple was that? Will is a gay man. Will would probably never sleep with Grace unless under threat of death - he's her friend, not her friend with benefits, boyfriend, OR A STRAIT MAN AT ALL. Within that moment, the entire show went from being kind of stereotypical but supportive of gay culture to being totally... awkward. I've never felt quite right about that show ever since. 

This is the whole reason why I don't like the term "fag hag" (and thus wrote that post about it) - because it in some ways insinuates that women who are friends with gay men just want to change him into a strait man and sleep with him (not necessarily in that order). That's not to say "fag hag" is always used that way. But that association is one of the major issues I have with it.

So, it seems the pic I used on my post for "fag hag" might be more fitting than I thought. There's some weird, complex stuff at work here - wanting to portray Will in a stereotypically gay way, but getting him to end up with Grace in the end. And making women who are friends with gay men just wanting to actually sleep with him instead of being friends. It's this weird, discordant... mess.

And to add to that mess, I feel like addressing people who keep saying stuff like "I'd totally sleep with [insert name of hot gay celebrity here] if he wasn't gay!" Partly, I feel like it could be too easy to slide back into the "wanting to turn him straight" mess (or have people declare that's what you mean). I also feel like it's not true. Honestly, I'm totally obsessed with John Barrowman because of who he is; I feel like if he were straight, he'd be an entirely different person. So girls out there who have a major crush on a gay man: it's okay. You want to sleep with a gay man. It'll never happen, but neither will sleeping with Brad Pitt. That's the way it goes.

So... this took me a lot longer to write than I thought it would. Mainly because of the Will and Grace tangent. And I still haven't gotten to that article from The Advocate. Dammit. Well, to be continued then...

Strength

http://www.paulina.ws/

So [Львица] stayed up late last night, having a conversation about how I was feeling in regards to the situation with [X]. She told me to stop beating myself up and blaming myself for things. Along with many other genius thing, which I will attempt to briefly reiterate here.

Like how people who used to be shy (I am certianly one of those) aren't used to no one liking you; we're afraid of making enemies when it's time to say our own opinion. It's why [X] is afraid to say her opinions, afraid of what it's going to be like. Because she doesn't want to lose people. And it's the same for me.

But we're going to lose people. We're going to make mistakes. That's why regret exists in the world. We have to fight. Because it's sadder to let someone win without a fight

There is something to be learned from how [novel killer] acts - she doesn't concede. I wouldn't want to be that extreme (especially in light of recent events). But she at least what she gets what she needs to say out there. Otherwise, as [Львица] it's like a film on top of the water, with people not saying everything they want to say.

"I don't want you to make the same mistakes I did," [Львица] told me. She described to me how we're a lot of different people in our lives and, as we grow up, we have to let one go and it's like grieving for a person who's died. We have a fantasy of ourselves in our heads, a fantasy that [Львица] said she lived for eight years of who she could be. Yet she never touched who she was - she had no real idea. She was a soul untouched and the time to find out who she was had arrived. She likened it to idealizations of love - how after you really fall in love, you read books and hear music in a different way. You can think about what it will be like, but you won't really know until you know.

There's a barrier between us - a barrier of time and life. But you have to press up against the glass, to make it your own words, to make it your own.

http://tuttoinbiancoenero.tumblr.com

So it was with these thoughts that I started today. And started it very well, I might add. Until the shit hit the fan once more. [novel killer] has sent me a message about doing Secret Santa for the Christmas part and I told her this:

I think [X] is still in charge of Secret Santa, actually. [Львица] and I weren't planning on doing it.

And then she said:

All right. She said you wanted to be in charge, so I figured I'd ask.


And then I said:

Well, we just offered to let her have the party here and she misinterpreted it as us wanting to take over the party; we just wanted to offer our apartment as a venue. Sorry for the confusion
.

And then it ended up at this from [novel killer]:

Stop stop stop. No. [X] informed me last night that you had messaged her asking if it was okay if you did, and said said it was fine if you did, but she'd be upset about it but if some something she had to work out by herself. That would be you wanted to take over the party. Which is fine, there's nothing wrong with it, so that's why I asked you this. And yes, she was upset, but it was more of because she'd been doing it for years.



Frankly I think everyone needs to get over their hatred for the little stuff. It's stupid. Everything's not about you (as in individuals). It's about together. [X] being upset about losing control is not about you wanting to take it over, it's symbolic of the fact that the times have changed and she's trying to deal with it. It's Christmas. I don't need this, no one needs this. I have familial stuff going on right now that's going to be a huge sour note during Christmas, so the last thing I want it to have a petty party with friends that I won't enjoy the company of because they're all being petty. And it's not just you. You'll probably take it that way and tell [Львица] and then people will hate me, but whatever. Just try to remember the things people do usually have nothing to do with you as a person. (That goes for everyone.) I would give everyone this speech, but unfortunately you're the message I got this morning and therefore you get the brunt of it.



I know you're not very happy with [X] for whatever reason, but you know what? Whatever it is, I guarantee it's a stupid reason. I don't even know what it is, but I know it's stupid. So you know what? Get over it. Everyone should get over their stupid things with each other and move on. Why? Not because it's Christmas. Not because we want to be the bigger person. Why? Because we're friends. And good friends should love near-conditionally. {I think she means non-conditionally.} Because people fuck up, and your friends are supposed to forgive you for it. Like if I yelled at you for an hour because I was so angry from outside sources and your little thing happened to be the thing that set me off? As a friend, I would expect you to forgive me without be having to say anything once we cooled down. Because that's what friends do. And we were great friends. Unfortunately college has separated us. And now we're not during the year, but we still should have that bond. And if we don't, why are we having Christmas with one another? Because if we're not friends enough to forgive each other of expressing opinion and not get catty and guilt-trippy, then we shouldn't have Christmas at all.



And that's the reason I haven't even posted on the Christmas thread yet. I wanted to see how this played out. And I hope my friends prove me wrong, but we'll have to see.



Also, thanks for completely ignoring [musical queen]. (note the sarcasm). I know she can be a handful, but she is our friend, and either you or [Львица], since you decided the date seeing as it's your place, could've politely told her that you can't have the party when she's in town because of [Львица] not being in town.



Anyway, I hope you give this some thought instead of taking it as [La Maga]-bashing and hate me forever instead of something our entire group needs to work on. (Except for maybe [foxy lady], and ha, ironically [musical queen] who has never passed judgement on any of you because she genuinely likes you.)


Needless to say, this kind of tore me up when I saw it. Okay, that's a lie. IT FUCKING DEVASTATED ME. This isn't the first time something like this had happened between [novel killer] and me though. She sent me a really terrible message on Facebook back in my freshman year, one that made me hate myself so much I actually toyed with the thought the thought of jumping of the Washington Avenue bridge because I felt like entire world loathed my guts. I don't think [novel killer] realizes how much power her words have - especially over me.

We didn't exclude [musical queen] from party plans - [Львица] talked to her separately. As for the rest of it... I don't know. She clearly blames me for everything that happened here - and then some. A lot of it doesn't make sense. How can she say my problems are just stupid without even knowing what they are? How can I non-conditionally care about a person when they write poisonous things like this and don't seem really reciprocate that? Why is okay for people to take out their cathartic problems on me but when I actually have a problem, it's stupid?

Beats me. I think it's crap. Really, I do. Despite how shitty I felt during social psych (which was ironically about female aggression, in which we discussed Mean Girls - which I'd actually just seen) I was feeling much less shitty and blame-worthy. I'm not gonna take it, dammit. I have feelings - I have rights. I am my own woman. And though I did what she expected I would - I showed it to [Львица], I don't hate her as a person. I hate some of the things she does but I don't hate HER. I'm just worried about her. Because this and what she was telling [Львица] isn't healthy. There's a lot of hate built up there and I'm worried for her.

Good thing is, I talked with [X] tonight and straightened some things out. We're back on friendly terms and I feel like we could be moving to a much stronger, healthier relationship. I hope so at least. And the funny thing about anger - once you get an apology, you can't remember why you were mad in the first place. This new bridge into... wherever....It's not going to be easy, but I'm going to stick to my guns. I'm going to find out what's going on with [novel killer] and I'm going to keep working to be the strong, fabulous woman I know I can be. I've seen it. I can do it.

I'm worth it. :)

Blue Christmas

http://pic.blackberryseeker.com

Well, [X] has done it now. She's now tainted one of the few sacred things I've got: Christmas.

Here's the deal: my group of friends have this annual tradition of having a Christmas party at [X]'s house every year. Although, because of insinuating circumstances, [X]'s family now lives with her grandmother and she doesn't feel comfortable/isn't allowed to have guests over. And, because I realized that I hadn't heard anything yet about a Christmas party, I messaged her about it. She wasn't sure whether she was up for it, but I told her that [Львица] and I were certainly interested and so she sent out a Facebook message about it. Because she said she couldn't have guests over, [Львица] and I offered up our place. She seemed okay about it, but when I did message her, she sort of flipped out. This was the message:

Me:
Hey, you seem busy and I don't want to pressure you into doing the Christmas party if you don't want to, so if you're not interested in doing it, Sarah and I would be cool just hosting a little get-together at our apartment. I don't want to take over the Christmas party from you or anything and we wouldn't do Secret Santa or anything like that; just dinner and hang-out-ness up here. Lemme know what you think.


[X]:
I don't want to sound like a bitch, but I want to be honest. It's really hard for me to turn over running the Christmas party to anybody, since I've been hosting it since I was in the sixth grade--before I even knew you or Sarah or most of the people who are invited to it now. It's been my way of giving my friends a holiday gift, hokey as that sounds. So not being able to throw it makes me feel really irrelevant.

(Some period of time later)
With that said, I'm not eleven anymore. I know that more people than me feel a sense of ownership over the concept of a "Christmas get-together" now and have every right to host it. And the truth is, I don't really have anything to give right now. I don't have a home to welcome anyone to. I don't have a lot of time or energy. I don't even feel like I have the right "spirit" to do this. So if you and Sarah want to host this get-together, then I'll honestly be okay with that. I may even be relieved. Just please don't think badly of me for not getting to the point of being absolutely ok with not hosting this immediately. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty by being honest with you, I just want you to see all my cards laid out on the table so that nothing gets bottled up to fester.


Me:
Okay, this is not what I expected at all and it makes me really sad. I think you, [Львица] and I need to have a talk about this.

http://mendokusee.deviantart.com/

So she called me and we talked. Sort of. I don't know why but every time I get on the phone, all of my gumption fails. Oh, wait, I know why. Because I'm a coward.

Yep, that's the truth. I'm a sniveling little coward. I can say exactly how I feel about [X] to [Львица] but when it comes to actually telling [X}, I hear her voice, that sound like she's on the verge of tears and suddenly I'm back to square one. I can't tell her that I'm pissed - though I did tell her I was upset and was audibly angry on the phone yesterday. But somehow, I just can't manage to find the words to tell her how I actually feel. Despite the fact that when her I read her message I was shaking and ended up taking out my rage gnashing Cheerios angrily and cathartically writing all kinds of poisonous thoughts for fifteen minutes. When she starts her talk about feeling unworthy of her friends and how bad she feels about herself and how she feels like all of her problems are insignificant and thus won't talk about them (which then makes them more-so - and more dangerously - important because they get all muddled up in stuff like this), it hits the little part inside of me that feels the same way and then I make my stuff unimportant so at least one person thinks her stuff is important (instead of having an equal, two-way street of a friendship). And then because I try to understand her and support her, I can't criticize her without her thinking I hate her - which she's pushing me to only through self-fulling prophecy. Because she thinks everyone hates her, I begin to hate her because I can't be honest with her. I don't hate her - I just want her think before she speaks, to want to change herself for the better. But instead, I don't tell her this; I just talk about her behind her back. Just like she does. In my inability to be honest with her, I become exactly what I hate about her.

And I don't know what to do.

Ironically, we were talking about relationships and aggression (two separate topics that accidentally overlapped due to too much material) in my social psych class on Monday, which was really too much. Sometimes, my psychology classes oddly mirror my life. What it did tell me was that I can't stay this way. I can't passively wait for us to finally grow apart or stick by her even if I get hurt. That's what I've been doing; it doesn't work and it feels wrong. I don't know whether it's best to try to actively work through our problems, because that would take time from her and she seems to damn busy to care about that sort of thing. Besides, I don't know if it's worth trying to work through and save. Which basically gives me one option: tell her it's done. She's pushed me too far away and that I'm done unless she steps forward herself. But that's not just something you can spring on someone. It's not like you can just break up with a friend (I dunno - maybe you can; I've never tried it). But I have so few friends these days, I feel reluctant to do so - because if I piss her off, I piss off everyone else who still talks to me from high school, [Львица] and [action is eloquence] and [uber gay] probably being the only exceptions. And [save the panzer]. Because fortunately for him, he has nothing to do with this shit.

So right now I just feel ansty and stressed and crampy because it's nearly finals time and I literally have cramps. Yay. But I know I can't stay this way. I mean, after I talked to [X] yesterday, I felt like a terrible person. She makes me feel bad about myself. And then "I am what I am" came on my iTunes and I started crying, because I couldn't have felt farther from what I am after that conversation. I was glad [Львица] called me to save me from wallowing in self-pity.

But bloody hell - IT'S CHRISTMAS. I shouldn't feeling bad about myself. I shouldn't put up with [X] totally misconstruing her friendships and, through trying to not make anything about her, totally make everything about her. I SHOULDN'T BE FEELING LIKE A PILE OF CRAP AGAIN. I was so happy before I got that message, thinking all about a holiday party (because I've never hosted a holiday party. Ever. In fact, I think I've only hosted six parties in my entire life). I want that carefree happiness back. Am I going to let [X] get me down. Not anymore. No, I shan't! It's Christmas.

http://my-girl-friday.tumblr.com/post/13713307091/no-i-shant-its-christmas

I Should Just Become A Lobbyist

The time has come for me to continue my gauntlet-throwing. Unfortunately, I must attack Michele Bachmann. I'd say I feel bad about it... but I don't. Truly, she really needs to think before she speaks.

Thanks to the Advocate, I found out this article. Along with this video:

Yes. Michele Bachmann has once again wonderfully avoided answering a serious question. Rather than talking about her views on gay marriage, she just reiterates that gay individuals can get married as long as it is a woman marrying a man and a man marrying a woman, as that is the law in our country. It's also the most goddamn stupidest response I've heard yet.

Also, she doesn't even know what a GSA is. My God... I fear for the world.

Also, does anyone else get this weird vibe about her wording like she could be alluding to gay Americans not actually being citizens or am I being too anal about trying to out her as a nutjob? Because I'm really starting to loathe this woman. I respect you, no matter your political platform, as long as you show equal respect. This woman thinks she knows it all - and is totally, totally condescending.

Anyone else also concerned that people are actually APPLAUDING what she is saying?

And I'm not even going to try and tackle what she says in the second half of the video. It would be in all caps and it would only end in tears.

Here is what I think Michele Bachmann's problem is: I don't think she realizes that HOMOSEXUALS ARE REAL. It's like she's in denial that gay men like men and gay women like women. A gay man is not going to marry a woman because... oh my God, do I really have to describe this? WHY DO PEOPLE STILL HAVE A HARD TIME ACCEPTING THIS?! I mean, c'mon people - I didn't know homosexuality existed until I was thirteen or fourteen. When I did learn about it, it made exactly as much sense to me as heterosexual relationships did at that time (because then, I couldn't understand why ANYONE wanted to have sex, because after learning about it via sex ed, it sounded totally nasty. Thank you, public school health class). So there was never any inequality there in my mind. Ever. I just... I just don't get it. They're people... who love people. End of story. And people who need people are the happiest people in the world. Thank you, Funny Girl.

Here's a pictorial representation. Michele Bachmann is on the left. I am on the right.







So that's where we are on this whole issue.
And in other news....

Thanks to this blog I found this article about Chick-Fil-A totally not supporting gay couples. As you probably know, Chick-Fil-A is known for having deep religious ties (and not being open on Sundays). Now their charitable outreach group, Win-Shape, has come out and said they have deep anti-gay ties too. (Fun fact about Win-Shape: I was trying to remember why their name sounded familiar and I realized it was because of an incident I researched, involving an exorcism at a southern college, and that the kid who performed the exorcism was a Win-Shape scholarship recipient. So yay for that weird tidbit).

Guys, just... seriously?

What I want to know is, how is gay marriage different from inter-racial marriage? I mean, think about it... if you're for inter-racial marriage (and if you're not - ufta, that's gonna be a problem) then I just don't understand why you wouldn't support gay marriage. And the religious explanations... people do realize that the Old Testament sections were probably more focused on making sure they had adequate population growth than with men loving each other, right? The whole "men lying with men" was probably more of a problem because they wanted children to carry on their community and thus men not procreating was kind of a pain. And that the texts have been translated and stuff. And that God didn't sit down with a pen and write it... it was written by men. Also, if you take the Bible literally, you can't eat shrimp and you're cool with stoning people. And if you're really practicing what you preach, you believe that God loves everyone equally - no matter what. And that he makes no mistakes. So, yeah... Just saying.

Now that I've just ostracized myself as a heretic (you know, that's a word you don't here much any more - heretic.)... anyway, now that I am a twenty-first century heretic, I am going to consider becoming a lobbyist for the GLBT community. Because it would be fucking awesome. And I've already proven that I talk about this stuff forever. So win-win.

Blasphemy

WARNING: This is going to be a long blog. I'd apologize, but I think it's worth it. 

Today, I went to mass. Being the weird, semi-Catholic that I am, I for unknown reasons get the urge to go to church about the time Advent rolls around. It's a comfort thing, I think - looking for hope in the approaching winter, looking for a way to de-stress in the looming doom of finals. The hope that maybe, just maybe, I will have a break-through and everything about life will suddenly make sense. I also had an ulterior motive for going today - after several decades of using the same service, the Papacy decided that this weekend, the first of a new liturgical year, would be the time to premiere a new liturgy.

A quick word on the liturgy - it's the prayers the Catholic church uses, the responses the congregation says to the priest, the stuff that's based off the traditional Latin mass. I was aware about the changes, due to articles such as this and this. It's supposed to be closer to the original Latin wording, yet people say it's not a great improvement. But I tried to keep an open mind - I really did.

It totally sucked. Not just because everything I'd memorized over the last 20 years was kind of worthless now. Not just because it made the entire mass seem awkward. Not even because it the wording was poor and not at all the smooth, flowing prose I was used to. I mean, all of that could be fixed with repetition and getting used to the new words. No, I was mad because of all of the changes that the Church could be making, THEY CHOOSE THIS.

To add insult to injury, the church we usually go to, the Basilica of St. Mary's, did not have their usual pastor there (a very friendly fellow who, from the middle row of pews looks very much like Phillip Seymour Hoffman). No, we had a priest from Duluth, who had been there before and sang his praises about President Obama. That was very awkward then - Obama had just recently become president and won the Nobel Peace Price for unclear reasons. And Obama had nothing to do with the week's homily. I really don't care what a priest's political opinion is. But the homily - the sermon, the bit where the priest is supposed to connect the Bible reading to everyday life - generally shouldn't be a time for you to out your political platform for no good reason. This week, the visiting priest decided he should tie in the OWS protestors to the wait for Jesus to return. I didn't get it. At all. I think he was trying to make the argument that being supportive of the poor is not inherently Bolshevik or liberal and that questioning the way things are, the systems we're in, is something the Church has been doing for centuries, something Jesus did. And that's when I lost it.

For those of you who have never been inside a Catholic church, here's what the interior of St. Mary's looks like:

http://www.katiemoos.com/albums/blog/20080114/0012.jpg

Now, not EVERY Catholic church looks like this. But it's kind of a theme - you know, awesome splendor to celebrate the glory of God. It's part of the reason people Martin Luther decided to stop being Catholic and go and do their own thing - they got sick of the cognitive dissonance between what they were seeing and what they were hearing. "Yes, help the poor! Give them money! Go out there and support the OWS protestors. Bring them to our church and show them how great we are!" That was the gist of the priest's homily. What I see: marble. Gilded windows and altar. A priest who CLEARLY doesn't understand that the OWS protestors want nothing to do with the Catholic church - they most likely see it as another institution that's full of money and is not sharing it very well with the rest of the world. And if the priest supported the OWS people so much, why wasn't he offering to give the church's wealth to the poor? Why wasn't he out there protesting with them?

Because it's so much easier to talk the talk than walk the walk.

Religion comes easily to some people. I am not one of those people. I've had critical thinking in my life since day one - and because of that, I am overly critical about EVERYTHING. Have I doubted the existence of God? Yes, often. Do I believe in the kingdom of God? Bad question - it's recently occurred to me that I've never thought of God as a king. I'm American - the monarchical associations really don't set well with me (in fact, during mass, when we're supposed to bow during the presentation of the host, I thought to myself, I bow for no man! But I digress...) Do I think that, because the pope is supposed to be a conduit thru which God talks to us that he's always right? The man doesn't understand how condoms work - so NO (seriously, he previously said they spread AIDS. Check it out here). Perhaps it's not that religion doesn't come easily to me - it's that blind faith doesn't. Because I certainly don't have blind faith at all.

I cannot have 100% trust in the Catholic church because I disagree with so many things they do. They are hypocritical to the point of being painful. The priest up there today was talking about equality and I'm back there in the pews thinking about how unequal the Church is - how women can't be priests, how homosexuals are condemned, how until rather recently divorcees were excommunicated. The priest is talking about the important political issues he thinks that the Republicans are refusing to talk about while I know once, ONLY ONCE out of the several hundred times I've been to church in the last few years, I've only heard ONE priest (the Phillip Seymour Hoffman look-alike, actually) accept that: A) the Catholic church has a problem with pedophilia among their priests, B) this issue is a BIG DAMN DEAL and has been kept quiet, and C) something should be done about it. So go ahead and talk about issue that deserve better coverage - I'll keep in mind why you have no right to throw stones from glass houses. And of all the things the Church could have changed - rules about the celibacy of priests, rules about women being allowed in the priesthood, any of the number of huge issues  in the Church, they change the wording of the Liturgy. Really, guys? Really?

What made me saddest, I think, is looking around at the kind, sweet people around me, stumbling through the new Liturgy, doing their best to sing choral music, trying not to twitch as the Homily stretched past fifteen minutes, and realizing: THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. They deserve more than a Church that's on the divide - trying to keep old members and recruit new members at the same time. Trying to resist becoming modern by making changes to reflect the old Latin. Seeing change as something that is done for long-term, divine reasons, not for present, bodily circumstances. Preaching socialistic or liberal views while the overall structure is incredibly conservative and sovereign. Communism versus monarchy. Black and white. Forgetting that there are so, so many shades of grey in-between.

That's the problem with this divide in the Church - the priests are no longer preaching what the pope says. Which is great, I think - I mean, I totally believe that priests should be allowed to say what they think. But the thing is, I don't know what the Catholic church IS any more. Is it what I see in the Papacy? Is it what I see with the priests - totally individuated and unique, depending on who's doing the service? I feel like there must be a way to reconcile the two, to allow for freedom of expression yet still keeping a cohesive continuity together, without all of this political squabbling. Of course, I have no idea what that might be. The Church is totally built off sovereignty - but it also has a more recent history of Socialist connections. And I feel like it's not working. I feel like people aren't happy about this, that it's just causing hypocrisy. I mean, there's only so many times I can say, "It's just one man's opinion, it's just want one priest says" or "I don't have to agree with the pope" without feeling like I don't belong. There's only so many times I can walk out of mass feeling angry and upset and betrayed.

I'm thinking about going to Lutheran service sometime soon - I mean, I've already gotten the whole "I'm mad at hypocrisy and I'm mad at the pope!" thing down pretty well. But I also think that maybe I'm not meant for organized religion. I really love going to mass - the tradition and ceremony of it is comforting. But the politics driving it really bothers me - maybe because it's a battle that's becoming more and more obvious and I don't want to have to take a side. I'm not a socialist, I'm don't put my faith in the sovereign, I'm not a very good capitalist (well, it depends on your definition of capitalist. I'm not a very good capitalist as defined by a cursory look at Wall Street). It seems that I might just believe in The Theory of Moral Sentiments by Adam Smith (yes, THAT Adam Smith - he's not just an economist, Wall Street people and OWSers. I believe he deserves a huge second look) (I also realize I should really discuss my perception of politics sometime. But not here - this damn long enough). And despite our efforts to separate church and state, one has to admit that religion is pretty damn political in many ways. So maybe, being the weird person that I am (a moral sentimenter and a reverent agnostic-Catholic mess) I should just stop pissing myself off and going to mass. And yet at Christmas, I just keep finding myself drawn back to those cool stone walls, that scent of spicy incense and the guttural rumble of the organ, the haunting glimmering stained glass - and thus I put myself through it all over again.

Maybe I'm a hypocrite too.

SOPA, or: If this is real, my blogging career is over

So I saw this on Tumblr like five minutes ago: If SOPA passes, the following sites could be blocked for US users.

WHAT. THE. HELL.

Here's an article about it.

A Minnesota senator, OUR AMY KLOBUCHAR, supports it.

Really, guys? REALLY?

I don't know if it would actually block Facebook and Twitter from US users. I can't seem to find any articles to support that. However, I can find a website about American Censorship Day, claiming that Facebook will be gone from my life. Along with Twitter, Tumblr, Megavideo - no more Doctor Who and Torchwood! :( - and no YouTube. Not to mention that it seems this blog will cease to exist. Did I make the gifs I put on here? Did I take the photos (some of them, yes). But overall, nada. Call me a pirate. Me and like 90 some percent of my generation.

If this is real, then my creative outlets, innovation sites and business tools are kaput. My hopes of finding an outlet to practice writing, create a web presence and beef up a resume are gone. The chance of aspiring musicians, actors, entertainers, etc to express themselves and post their work will be made far more difficult to attain. So we watch TV shows for free and we sing covers of our favorite songs - guess what? I bet for every song we sing and TV show we watch, we BUY something that compensates. Yes, I watch Torchwood on Megavideo. But I'm planning on buying the seasons and I buy other merch. So we consumers are still buying stuff, if that's your worry. We're not going to fuck you over, music/movie/media industries. We LIKE you. We buy stuff, we do. We respect what you do. We just don't like spending loads of money for single songs, TV seasons, cable. And if you haven't noticed, American TV is ridiculous and Netflix has decided to suck. So... can you really blame us?

I don't like censorship. Lemme just make that clear. I don't usually get super in-your-face political, but this is something I really care about. I love how accessible the internet is - anyone can post anything. Yes, that causes problems - LOTS of problems. But seriously, I think this is the least of your worries. Could you maybe work on catching people who post child porn or something? That seems a little more vital to the integrity of our country than, you know, the guy at the U of such-and-such downloading a Katy Perry song for free. IMHO.

So if you happen to be as outraged as me and worried just enough that this totally legitimate, visit the American Censorship Day website and sign their petition. Let's just hope this is just a lot of ruckus over something that won't pass, that we've overblown into a monstrosity. But these days - who knows?

I can't tell if I'm going more anarchist or more libertarian. God help us all if I become either one.

Madame Bovary, Critique, and Writing

Today, for like the third time this month, my professor in my CSCL class went on a tirade about Baudelaire and Flaubert. Okay, tirade is unfair - that makes it sound like he doesn't have a point. He does have a point - it's just a very angry, bitter one.

In the realm of culture, we've been talking about how, allegedly, writers such as Baudelaire and Flaubert are hypocrites. They are not writing a critique of bourgeois life - instead, they pull towards preferring Romantic fiction over modern life. Though a student in my class argued that by showing crisis, that having love fail and Bovary die and torment and tormenting that they are working through this crisis of modern live versus Romantic fiction. My professor disagreed and instead said that Flaubert despised his audience and that his prose was designed to be mistaken for realism, that the "novel in the end is about the creation of beautiful sentences" and "opaque prose, free of indirect discourse" with an omniscient narrator that is actually prejudiced by the characters. What seems to be a critique actually trumps us, tricks us, and is not what it seems to be.

This is the point in my notes where I wrote: OMG... how the hell can I be a novelist with this shit?

Now, I haven't read Baudelaire. And I don't recall much of Madame Bovary, unfortunately - it was one of those novels I tried reading during AP Literature my senior year in high school and I just didn't have the time to actually read it - it was sadly more of a skimming process. Yes, I know, shame on me. Senior year was a nightmare, though. Point is, I can't really argue whether or not Flaubert writes in such a way. What I can argue is what I know as a writer. And boy, oh, boy - do I dislike what my professor has to say.

For one, what writer actually hates his audience? Who DOES that? Okay, so Flaubert might have, I don't actually know. But here's the point that another student made that I really agree with - at least with our personal interpretation of the novel, does it matter what Flaubert thinks, what he was aiming at, what he was trying to do? Not so much - what matters is what we come away with. And if we think that it happens to show a different message than what Flaubert intended, we can reshape it's purposes. Our professor agreed with this in a "yes, but..." kind of way, and then went on a tangent about Ulysses, which I didn't understand because I haven't read it yet (sometimes I feel like the only person in that class who hasn't read every classic novel ever, but I think that's just me. Nevertheless, I feel like I'm failing in some way. But please tell me when I'm supposed to have time to read it).

For another, does our endless critiquing of EVERYTHING really get us anywhere? Does insulting Baudelaire and Flaubert really help us get a better understanding of culture? I don't think so. What happens when we feel like we have to critique everything all the time and we can't just ENJOY something any more?  I'm worried that I won't be able to read a novel now without wondering if it's just trying to sweep me off to a fantasy world and make me forget about present reality (which it of course it's doing in some ways - isn't that the point? But apparently that's a terrible thing now...) According to my professor, there's something wrong with "art for art's sake" - but is it, REALLY? In every situation, at all times? I don't think so. I'm sure my professor would have really good come-backs for all of this, and maybe he's right... but I just feel like I'm being pushed towards the whole "everything you know is wrong" - which is NOT what I understood cultural studies to be, when I started this excursion in my past classes.

Also, I have a personal motivation in this topic. If I write a book and I am so lucky and blessed as to have it published and people actually read it, the first person to tell me that I am not realistically portraying life is going to get smacked. THERE'S A REASON I'M WRITING IT THE WAY I AM. And I certainly don't hate my audience. Maybe, in just a few situations, things need to be unrealistic. I don't care if I'm the only CSCL student in the world who will defend fantasy and sci-fi and the purpose of some fiction, but GODDAMN, the only thing I want to do right now is sit back and watch Doctor Who instead of wondering if my writing is actually destroying the world because I'm just perpetuating stereotypes and running away from problems instead of working through them. Well, I can't watch Doctor Who tonight - so this is one problem I'm just going to have to think through.

But as of right now - I still think I'm right :P

Pissed

I saw this on "the Twitter": Scots ban on supermarket alcohol deals come into force
.... *sigh*...

Just... *sigh*...


I am aware that Scotland has issues with their drinking culture. I am also aware that much of Britain, Ireland, Russia, parts of America - the list goes on, I'm sure - also has various such issues.

But my personal interaction with drinking in Scotland has been... well, memorable.

Story #1:
[X] kept getting pissed off (by which I mean angry) whenever she would get carded (or passported, technically) in Glasgow pubs. I was actually kind of thrilled. Yes, it means that they have reason to doubt we were under 18 when we were actually 20. And probably because she assumes that alcohol is loosely handed out in Scotland (see above article for why this is NOT EXACTLY TRUE).  BUT being carded is part of being an adult. Yay for what's going to happen to me every time I order a drink until my hair turns grey!

Story #2
It was our last full night in Edinburgh and we were watching a Manchester United versus Barcelona soccer - I mean football - I mean calcio - I mean that sport where they kick that black-and-white ball around - in the pub in the basement of our hostel. I was hanging out with [No-Mr-Darcy] and [bromandawg] while [X] was drinking way too much hard cider with [one-complicated-lesbian] upstairs. It was rather noisy as some DJ started playing weird electronic music after the game ended so the three of us headed out to the patio to get some fresh air and to hear ourselves think. Outside was a group of British chaps dressed in hunting gear. Ridiculous turn-of-the-century clothes and false mustaches and such. And one guy was dressed like a stereotype of an Italian chef. Now, let me set this up properly. They were staying in the hostel as well, as [X] and I had seen them at breakfast, eating their beans and toast and eggs and usual English/Scottish breakfast fare. Except that they were accompanying their meals with gin and tonics. Solid. By this point in the evening, they were totally hammered. One man in hunting gear started insulting some woman who came outside, calling her a fat cow. She started yelling insults back. Then he... *ahem*... revealed himself to her. She was flabbergasted and returned inside. Til this point, the man had had his back to me. But he continued to keep his crown jewels out in the open, displaying them for the world. I saw them in all their glory as he announced, "You know what I love... is that my bollocks are so pure." [bromandawg] and [No-Mr-Darcy] were embarrassed beyond belief and tried to over-chivalrously apologize. Meanwhile, I was trying not to die laughing. Needless to say it was a bit awkward when I saw him in the breakfast line the next morning. Perhaps God took mercy on him and he didn't remember a thing.

But for every humorous story like that, there's twenty more like this...

The frenzy at the end of summer, or: reality sucks

So I got this text yesterday, from [X], who I honestly wasn't expecting to hear anything from for the rest of the summer:

Hey, I'm en route to {school} and I just wanted to say I'm sorry we haven't hung out or talked in a while... Things have been CRAZY with me and I'm sure you've been busy too. I just wanted to say good luck this year, I'm thinking about you, and stay in touch :)

All of this right after I was debating whether or not to message her about how her trip to Chicago, or whether or not she ever read the message I wrote to her about how things with [No-Mr-Darcy] panned out. Or whether she's stumbled across this blog and now hates me (I do have a link to this on my Facebook account, but considering most people don't look at my profile, I didn't think much of it. Though according to the stats on Blogger, people have used Facebook to look at my blog... but who? Maybe I'm just being paranoid...)

I wish things were simpler, like in kindergarten. Back then, you liked people or you didn't like people. You got along with some kids and not with others. But now... now I seriously get along with like three people from high school. What the hell happened?

Chromed

So I gave in... and got Google Chrome. Because now I can actually add stuff to this blog the way I want to. Like this random video...

Let me work on posting it...

This just in... I STILL cannot attach videos the way I have beent old I should be able to form Chrome. This is probably because the world hates Apple, much to my dismay. The layout is exactly the same was it was for Firefox. ARE YOU TELLING ME THAT I DOWNLOADED THIS BROWSER ONLY TO FIND THAT IT IS EXACTLY LIKE FIREFOX FOR APPLE?

Fuck you, Google. Seriously, fuck you. I'm going back to Firefox.

Rage

So in my previous post, I mentioned something along the lines of having friendships on the rocks. In case I had any doubts, last night proved that point rather clearly to me. I have a friend, who I'll call [novel killer] (for her sake and my own) who I’ve gotten into fights with before, generally because of comments she says that come off as crass or racist. Last summer I started screaming at her when she made a comment about Native Americans before my mind had even had time to recognize that I was angry. On certain topics, we go together like oil and water… or maybe more like sodium and water.

Things have been okay for a while, but she slipped out some offensive comments about Hurricane Katrina, seemingly oblivious to her insinuations. It wasn’t so much what she said, it’s that she didn’t seem to think that she was doing any harm. Again, I started shaking before I even knew I was mad, but this time stayed silent. To no avail. The room was filled with my friends and displaying my anger like that was a sure way to kill the mood. I couldn’t look at anyone; I just stared at my feet and at the carpet, afraid that if I made eye contact with anyone I would receive looks of pity or contemptuous judging.

Things got worse. [novel killer] used a racist slur later in the conversation, for which she got rebuked and then apologized, saying it was an accident. How does one accidentally use a racial slur in this day an age? I was fuming. It would be one thing if she grew up in the South, in a family who was racist. But this doesn’t seem to be the case. Yes, she had family members who were racist, but so did I. It isn’t like she grew up in an area where she never saw anyone act any differently. This only made me angrier.

Which happens to be my fatal flaw. If hers is bold racism, mine is rage (or as I like to think of it, a terrible intolerance for intolerance). I have inherited a terrible temper, which my friend would be attributed to my Italian and Irish heritage. But it’s more than that. I’ve worked at not getting upset as much. When I was younger, the simplest things would make me cry or yell. Now I have to be pushed to the extremes to be made upset. But I feel like racism is an extreme and that I perhaps have a right to be mad. I’m a cultural studies student; I’m sensitive to this stuff. But reacting with anger won’t do any good – it’s too unpredictable. I can’t even control it. One moment I’m fine, then my blood is boiling and raging and my body is both weak and strong, shaking under pressure. I feel a little bit like the Hulk, filling the room with tension and pure, negative emotion. Thus I need to find a better way to deal with it.

Unfortunately, I don’t know what it is. I can’t rebuke her without getting upset. My friends, at least those present last night, didn’t leap to my aide to tell her she was wrong – and this perhaps angered me just as much as her attitude, their preference to pretend that it hadn’t happened and change the topic rather than face the issue head on. But ignoring the issue doesn’t work – it just allows her to think it’s okay and that she can get by with it. And I can’t tell her to stop talking – the difficult thing with issues like this is that people have the right to say what they think. And I know a great deal about feeling like my voice isn’t being heard – I wouldn’t want to be a hypocrite and cut hers off, as much as it might piss me off. The only thing to do is what I did last night – leave as soon as possible. I wasn’t feeling well anyway, I’d had a long day and I shouldn’t have been away from home for as long as I was. Unfortunately, when we talked about racism in school, they never applied it to what it might be like for one of your own friends to be racist. Right now, I’d like nothing more than to avoid the friend in question indefinitely. But it won’t work that way. My friends always plan group things and thus avoiding her would be avoiding everyone. And avoiding her won’t solve the problem – it will only make me look like the bitch that I probably am. There’s nothing I can really do, except let my temper cool and to write about it. Maybe once I’ve gotten it out of my mind, I can finally return to some state of normalcy. “Anger is temporary insanity,” it’s been said. I can see that, at times. But what if being angry feels sane?