Changes

I was standing in my room on my birthday, looking out the window and watching it snow, listening to "Science and Religion" from the movie Angels and Demons playing on my iPod and I felt like everything had changed. Changed for the better. I mean, just a few days before, I was feeling a bit down. I felt like I was a bad friend, unable to connect and comfort when those I care about need me. I felt misunderstood, for about the two hundredth time in my life, and for no obvious reason. I was having that stupid fear again that I'm actually borderline (this needs more explanation than I can provide here. Later, my friends. Later). I was wondering if I actually can understand people or if I'm just some kind of alien being that pretends to understand but really doesn't get it because... well, because I'm an alien.

This is, of course, ridiculous. And not true. Just because I feel misunderstood and cut-off and confused every once in a while does not make me not human. I think that's just a basic part of humanity - to fear that you don't understand. When clearly, it seems I do. [Львица] keeps saying all these wonderfully kind things about me, showing that all my worries are unfounded and baseless. All the well-wishing I received on my birthday made me realize that people do not in fact dislike me or ignore we or not care about me. And that I am a nice person who should be nicer to herself.

For some reason, I've been waking up in the morning feel like anything is possible. I mean, I'm not really that pessimistic - but I'm never this much of an optimist. I feel like all my dreams could come true. I feel like I took the right step, did the right thing, am finally moving in the right direction. Towards what, I don't know. But it all feels like this:

Sitting in O'Donnovans on my birthday, hearing Mumford and Sons and Van Morrison blasted out of the speakers above me made me feel oddly magical. There I was, sitting in an Irish pub on my birthday that was somehow magically a bunch of my favorite songs, like they were doing it on purpose. It was ridiculous, but I felt like I was supposed to be there at that moment, that I was chosen for something, that everything was happening for a reason. It was probably just birthday elation getting to me, but I don't know... I went to the gym to work out today, for the first time since high school, and I felt this odd sort of determination I haven't had in a long time. It's not that I've been totally lackluster about things - I mean, I have been bored with classes and going through mood swings (but that's rather typical for me). What I've been feeling is some part of me awakening that was some dormant, or some new part of me I'm no longer afraid to show. I kind of feel... well, I feel utterly comfortable with myself. And it's a nice change.

So fuck that shit about not feeling good enough, about thinking that there's something wrong with me and that, because I'm different I'm not right, not normal, not human, that because people don't talk to me much and because I have few friends that it means I'm a bad person. Fuck that. None of that is true. There's a difference between helpfully criticizing yourself and being a hazard to your personal well-being. I think I've been too much of the later. But no more - none of that. I know I'm a crazy, moody Scorpio but this time I think this attitude is going to stick around. Maybe 21 is the age where I finally stop being so negative about myself, for once and for all. Maybe, this time, I'll live up to all my talking and actually walk the walk and be what I am.

The Impossible Dream Returns!

I have a confession to make.

I am a dreamer.

You probably know this by now. Perhaps there is some essence of "dreamerism" that pervades my writing. Or because I write about the possibility of Nicholas Cage being a vampire without really addressing the point that vampires PROBABLY AREN'T REAL.

I'm also a Scorpio. I think being a dreamer is just a side effect.

Um... maybe we feign interest because we're daydreaming?

Anyway, point is, I have ridiculous hopes and expectations. Many of which I am  my rational side and my dreamy side are constantly fighting over. And things get complicated.

I actually started blogging last summer (the summer before sophomore year) because I decided I wanted to try to get an internship on the Late Late Show. And I thought blogging would be a good way to build my resume. Except that blog kind of died out when school started up again AND I HAD TO BLOG FOR CLASS. It made me a better blogger (I hope) but it also kept me from doing personal writing for a while. And then I had the idea that I wanted to go for grad school for Cultural Studies.

And then I surrounded myself with grad students in a lecture about Hegel and realized that GRAD SCHOOL WOULD KILL ME. So I spent the rest of the year trying not to die (never take 18 credits that involve two night classes - EVER) - and I created this blog. Which is now being used for various nefarious purposes.

And then, after seeing Craig Ferguson live, I realized that I AM TOTALLY STUPID. I stopped thinking about the internship only because no one seemed to think it was possible, that no one seemed to believe I was able to do it (*cough, [X],* *cough, [novel killer]*). Would I like to work in television? I think so. Would I like to work for the funniest comedian in existence? Hell yes!

Do I have the right major for this sort of thing? Who cares! After dropping in at Radio K (which is as close to working for television as I'm going to get around here; not the same but the same general idea at least) I learned that half the volunteers are at least CSCL minors and I already ran into a few fellow psych majors. Do I have enough job experience? Well, thanks to this little run with the apartment, maybe so. Do I have any idea what L.A. is like? Fuck no.

Which is probably going to be my biggest problem.

I'm not the sort of person who ever dreamed of going to L.A. or running of to make it big in Hollywood. My yearning for fame always came from book writing. And music. And acting in the theater. Those sort of ridiculous things. Not Hollywood.

So it's strange for me, to say the least, to actually want to go to Hollywood now. Although it's not really the location - it's the show. It's so rare for me to find something that I really, really intensely like. I might be passionate, but only regarding a few selected things. Like 19th Regency romance novels. Stories involving life at sea. Scotland. Complicated psychological dramas that often involve sci-fi/fantasy themes. Things that I keep bringing up again and again and again... I mean, I like many things. But there are only a few certain things that I REALLY REALLY LIKE.  Thus it probably is for most people.

Anyway, my long-winded point is, I am sometimes incredibly picky. Especially regarding humor. The fact that I can watch Craig Ferguson and that he always makes me laugh seem to be a sign that he is, at least, a demi-god.

Seriously, I love humor, it's like my favorite genre of... life - but I am SO PICKY. I'm one of those people who can sit in a theater and watch a comedic film and not laugh at anything (exactly how I felt when I saw Bridesmaids. But I'm wondering if that had to do with extenuating circumstances). I have watched George Lopez and David Letterman and not even smiled. Generally, I like Monty Python, but The Life of Brian just made me uncomfortable. Maybe because I was watching it with [hahahaha SHUT UP].

So it makes me really happy that the Late Late Show is something I: A) find funny, B) can relate to, C) is the most un-L.A. thing in L.A. and D) something I feel like I could be a part of. Thus, the impossible dream.

A little Broadway, a little Sinatra - FOR THE WIN.

Of course, there are some difficulties with this whole crazy plan:

1) The intership would have to happen next summer. Or I would have to decide to add an extra year of school - thus a five year degree. Which means more money spent on college.

2) I would have to make sure the U actually will allow me to get credit for this internship. Otherwise I can't do it.

3) I would have to have AN AMAZING RESUME AND NOT FUCKING GET NERVOUS AND MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

4) I would probably have to learn how to drive, since transportation around L.A. sucks.

5) I would have to figure out where the hell I'd be staying in a town I've never been to.

Oh, yeah, and this....

6) I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET THE BLOODY INTERNSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The requirements seem pretty loose; they don't make any mention of needing any previous experience in TV. But I have no idea what I'm competing against. Maybe all TV interns just want to go to the Daily Show or the Colbert Report and so it won't be as competitive as it could be. But then I think about all the kids who are majoring in communications - and all the ones who aren't - that would totally love to do this. AND I FEEL TOTALLY FUCKED.

But I am not giving up. NOT THIS TIME.  I'm going to go for it. It's what I want to do - the only thing I really want to do, other than write and blog and watch movies and British TV shows and talk about hipster music. So what if it's a big mistake? I've got a lot more to make (thank you, Gossip Grows on Trees, for that awesome line. For that, I shall introduce you to Radio K).

Love Bites - But Bites Heal

My "love" horoscope from Friday:   Your emotional concerns are taking precedence right now, Scorpio, and this may impede your progress with love. You are well known for your intensity, but you are not quite fulfilled in terms of balancing that intensity with the day to day grind. Many of your emotional concerns stem from external forces or people, and you need to remember that you can not control the actions of others, no matter how much you would like to. You are best to stop taking things so personally, and understand that sometimes other people's issues are theirs and not yours. You've put a lot of work into your emotional health, so you should not let the issues of others threaten that.  Yeah, thanks for the heads up. Too bad I didn't read it until too late. I decided to break down and ask [X] about what the hell was going on with [No-Mr-Darcy], if he'd ever so much as mentioned me. She said she hadn't really talked to him about anything more than school stuff and, in a nice motion of trust and sincerity, said she wouldn't ask him about me as it would seem like breaking a friend code. That's a nice way of saying that, if he hasn't brought it up, then he doesn't care.
Unless he does and it just hurts too much to mention...
See? See what this is? This is stupid. This is me thinking that [No-Mr-Darcy] thinks like me. Which is stupid. I think like me - I can't assume that anyone else in the universe ever would. But I do. And it always ends up with me taking things too personally. A lot of the emotional shit I've been bouncing around in my head probably deals with this issue and I just need to let it go. Basically, I need to do this: 

 Thank you, Sara Bareilles, for once again saying exactly what I was thinking :)

Blame it on the alcohol - but it's still you talking

So this started as another night sitting on the bloggisphere, unable to sleep. Maybe that's because on every street corner in Dinkytown, there's a party and I could here the music from across the street blasting in my windows (or, as I recently learned, it's called something that sounded like demo wave or d-funk... I don't know, it was late at night and the guy I was talking to was really drunk).

Living in a new part of campus has highlighted a completely different lifestyle - partying. Yes, I have been aware of college partying - I go to a Big Ten school, after all. I've just never been one. Being a junior in college and having not been to a big party is, I suppose, a bit odd in my case. But I've never been a party girl, I've never been overtly interested. I've never been invited to one. But [Львица] got invited to a 21st birthday bash for someone she went to Europe with. And, being the most genial of roommates, she invited me along.

There's an element to drinking that reminds me of something we talked about in psychology, about hypnotism of all things. Some people are more open, more receptive to hypnosis. Others aren't. Drinking seems to be in some ways similar to that, playing a great deal off of your mental state. If you want to get hammered, you probably will. If you don't want to get drunk, you won't. OBVIOUSLY how much you drink impacts this, but there's something more than just the amount but also the mindset. Some people can drink three shots and be fine but drink three shots again on a different night at another party and be totally wasted (and this doesn't have anything to do with amount of food eaten and generally physical things). There seems to be a big mental part. Of course, I'm being a total armchair theorist, which my psych professors would HATE but I don't have time to do research right now. Just go with an idea for now and we'll worry about "facts" and "data" at another time.

You remind me of me... but bitch, please

I could kill Diana Villiers right now. This brings about two problems:
1) I want to kill an individual.
2) I want to kill an individual who is fictional.
Which, ultimately, brings me to a third problem:
3) I am jealous of a fictional individual.

I should explain. Diana Villiers is a character in Patrick O'Brian's Aubrey/Maturin series (aka, the series that the movie Master and Commander is based on). Diana is a fascinating character, especially given the time period she inhabits. She's a short, dark-haired smartass who goes horseback riding and fox hunting, plays the piano even though she can't read music and won't listen to her aunt's plans for her life. She grew up in India, fell passionately in love with a man who did not make a "profitable" match, but whom she married none the less. After he died, she returned to England, a black sheep in her family of gentle lambs. Needless to say, I love this maniac. She's the sort of character I've been dying to see in Regency era novels ever since I first met Elizabeth Bennet. Don't get me wrong, Jane Austen's Elizabeth is fabulous; I like her a lot. But I always longed for a character that incorporated both Elizabeth's free-thinking and Emma Woodhouse's sharp tongue. With Diana, I get the perfect match. Which, interestingly, creates the sort of girl I try to be.

The sea, the sea, it calls to me...

Remember that thing I started about keeping a list of things I'm happy about? Well, this is a continuation of that. So deal with it.

3) The sea: I saw it for the first time this year. Well, I sort of saw it when I visited Venice. And when I was in New York. But when I went to Scotland, this time I was up close and personal and it felt real. I saw a jellyfish, for the love of Pete! I know some people have been unimpressed when they finally see the ocean, because they expect it to be so spectacular. I was more than impressed - it absolutely blew away my expectations. The cool sea breezes, the color of the waves, the smell and feel of the rain that fell (it tasted salty! I couldn't believe it!) Weirdly, it made me feel at home. I've always had this huge affinity with water ("it's because I'm a water sign, hahaha" I joke. I'm a Scorpio - yes, that's a water sign. What scorpions have to do with the water, I don't know. But I appreciate the ability to use it as an excuse for something I loved before I even saw it). Thus, my obsession with bodies of water leads to another thing I'm happy about.

4) The movie Master and Commander: I cannot explain why I love this movie (because of all movies, why I'm currently obsessed about this one, I can't say). Mainly, because it's about the sea. And based on my previous post, you can tell I like that. Also, it is about the turn of the 19th century, when is a time period I'm obsessed about, for reasons I understand about as much as I understand why I like the sea. The books the movie is based are equally spectacular, if not more so (don't expect the movie to be much like the series; they mix a bunch together but I still think the movie is great on its own). Also said movie connects to yet another thing on my list… which will be spoken of in another post :)