That Year

It's hard for me to believe that just a year ago, I was in Scotland right now (I include the above song because I heard it in a clothing store in Glasgow. Every time I hear this cover, I think of that city). And now, here I am, sitting on my parent's deck, having weird sensations of déjà vu, drinking a gin and tonic, worrying about things (as always), and watching postings come up on Tumblr about the BAFTAS (because, sadly, they are not live-streamed).

I just can't believe it was a year ago.

I've changed so much since then. I've gained and lost so much since then.

Yet some days it feels like it was just yesterday.

And now I miss it more than ever.

Which is why, shortly before the end of the school year, I decided that when I graduate I'm moving to the UK. Unless something un-forseen happens, I plan on finding a flat in London for next September, a city I haven't been to since I was sixteen and have missed ever since. I miss these places, in all honesty, more than I miss some of my friends. I feel like a stranger in my own hometown and, if song lyrics are to be regarded as philosophy, perhaps that means it's time to leave.

I guess I finally decided to post this today, thought I've been meaning to for weeks, because I've hit some sort of resolution. Some of my friends are no longer my friends. Bad things happen, whether you're here or there. It's your life and you should do what you want. And I want to go to London.

Although, goddammit, New York is trying rather hard to seduce me too. :)

The thing is, in one year I'll be leaving Minneapolis.  I love this amazing, brilliant city, but my heart is being called elsewhere. Somewhere I can easily take a cab, where there are so many opportunities to do things I never dreamed of, where I can have good reason to feel like a somebody and a nobody all at once. Minneapolis will always be my first real home, but I'm the sort of person that has more than one. And while I love New York, I feel my heart drawn across the pond for reasons I can't really describe. I just want to experience, long term, what it feels like to be a foreigner. I want to know what it's like to find oneself in a country you weren't born in. I want to make mistakes and sound funny and dream of improbable things. I want to have one of the largest cities in the world become everyday to me and yet never lose its magic.

I want to do something people didn't expect of me. Because I am more than one person's expectations. Maybe I'll be back in Minneapolis after a year or two, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll settle down in London, maybe I won't. Maybe I'll publish a book before I graduate and settle down in Chelsea and live in a posh little flat with a view of the Thames. Maybe I'll be broke and living in Kelvingrove Park in Glasgow. Who knows?

But let's find out, shall we? :D

Sunset Boulevard

If I could do a face plant right now without hitting my face on my keyboard, I would do it.

OH MY GOD. I AM SOOOOOOOO NAIVE.

I'm so naive a guy I just talked to on the phone whom I haven't even meant can tell I know NOTHING about Hollywood. I'm pretty sure I just made the biggest fool of myself in my entire life and even if I have any possibility of retaining any respectability, I doubt he will ever take me seriously because I'm certain he already thinks I am probably part of that 98% who will run back home from Hollywood, crying my eyes out.

Let me explain.

The other day, I went in to talk to my advisor for Cultural Studies, Jules. She recommended that I message two people that have graduated from the U who are now working in L.A. I did so and heard back from one of them pretty quickly. He gave me his phone number and I called him tonight... well, it's tomorrow now. Even though it's only 10:19 pm in California. Stupid...

Anyway, I gave a brief run-down of my life (not very interesting, I admit). I told him that I really want to intern on the Late Late Show. I told him, though I was embarrassed, that when I was little I used to pretend that I have my own talk show. He told me there was nothing embarrassing about having a dream. I suddenly felt better about life.

The idiocy on my part was to come next. He told me how there's this thing called the UTA job list, which lists a bunch of available jobs in Hollywood. Except it's way more epic than that. Which I didn't fully understand until he described it later, after he'd already offered to email to me but then decided that I wasn't "that excited about it." Problem number one. When he did re-explain the UTA job list, it made me feel like a major asswipe for NOT being more excited about it. Because it's basically something only Hollywood executives get. It does get spread around in other ways, obviously, but most people don't see it until two or three weeks until after it's been released, which doesn't help much. So it's a big damn deal... and I failed to comprehend this on first description and was just like, "yeah, that'd be great." That's like saying, "yeah, that'd be great to have the codes to the nuclear football."

In my defense, I am really fucking tired today. But I feel like that excuse stopped being valid the moment I started my freshman year.

So there's that fail. And then as he went on to describe Hollywood and I compared it to Sunset Boulevard, I probably epically failed again. Because this movie probably glamorizes the unglamorous of Hollywood. Which means I just expressed that I'm a total moron. I'm cringing in my chair just thinking about this... I should never, ever converse on the phone, EVER. It always goes badly.

On my part, it did catch me off-guard that he didn't think I knew anything about Hollywood. I do know that it's not glamorous. I know that it's not exactly beautiful. What I didn't know is that it's a disgustingly UGLY place (or so he stated). I know it's competitive. I know I'm more likely to fail than succeed. I know it's all about who you know. What I didn't think about in context to myself is that there are thousands of people, less lucky, less well-off than me, who are going there everyday, working longer than I will, kissing ass as much as they have to get what they want. I know that people are better than me. I know that I have to really fight for what I want. But fight with what? Better at what? How do I keep from becoming Joe Gillis? Am I already Joe Gillis? Did I just talk to Joe Gillis?

I'm beginning not to make sense... this means it's time to shut up and to go to bed. More about this tomorrow... later. Whatever. You know what I mean.

Well, it's been like 16 hours since I wrote this and I am feeling much, much better about the world. I talked to a grad student in the CSCL department who has worked on the set of "I am Legend" and is pretty much amazing. She was much friendlier and far more helpful than the guy from last night was. In fact, when I told her that he said that 98% of the people who go out to L.A. come home crying, she replied, "He sounds like he's gone totally L.A."

My thoughts exactly.

She was really excited that I was interested in working for the Late Late Show and seemed really positive about it. A bit bitter about film school (apparently a lot of frat-boy wanna-bes show up there thinking they're the next Spielberg) but not at all saying it's going to be hell. Yeah, it'll be a lot of hours and it'll be a lot of work, but if I volunteer first to do thing, really get involved, show I care - they'll be no problems. She said most everyone she knows who have done things like that have gotten jobs out it. She also recognized that I want to go out there for WRITING not... whatever Mr. L.A. automatically assumed I wanted... directing? Producing? I couldn't really tell. She says that writing is a very different field than other parts of the entertainment industry there. And she hadn't heard of the UTA list; she said it was probably, "just a job list." Not the be-all, end-all of my existence. So see if I call Mr. L.A. back wanting it... Like I'd call him back anyway.

The problem of the conversation with Mr. L.A. was that he assumed a lot of things about me. Now, I can't say that he looked at my Facebook account - probably not, he seemed like the super-busy, pretty self-interested sort - but he totally made a lot of off-hand comments that may not have necessarily applied. He assumed I was Minnesotan. I am, but I haven't lived here my entire life. And I'm not sheltered and inexperienced, if that's what he was trying to say with that comment. He assumed that I hadn't been through much hardship or ever worked super hard - both valid and invalid. He seemed to think I couldn't see myself making mistakes or totally failing. Um, really? That's everyday of my fucking LIFE, dude. I make mistakes at a rather high rate. And you fail more than you win in Hollywood? Such is life. He automatically figured I didn't know anything about Hollywood and how competitive it is. Maybe he just wanted to gloat a bit about how much work he's put forth and complain about how shitty people treat him there. He said he was doing what he wanted to do... but he didn't exactly sound happy to me. And this coming from the guy who thought I wasn't excited. Hmmm.

I bring up the Joe Gillis mention from Sunset Boulevard again, partly because I can't get the song from the musical out of my head.

Yeah, it's John Barrowman. Shut up, judging voices of the world.

I remember seeing the movie Sunset Boulevard when I was about fourteen or fifteen. It was one of the first classic films I saw and it totally changed my life. I relate to writers - always have, always will. Because I kind of am one. And seeing Joe Gillis, a writer so fundamentally changed by life in Hollywood... well, it stuck with me. And haunted me. And it's been one of my fears, I guess I'm concerned that You think I've sold out/ Dead right I've sold out/ I just keep waiting/ For the right offers will embody all I've become. That I won't care about anything but money. I don't want to be like that. I want to do this because I WANT TO DO THIS. And because I WANT TO DO THIS FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I don't want this becoming all about fame or fortune or my work. I want to do this to make people happy, to entertain them, TO INSPIRE THEM.

Dreamy, yes, but that's how I operate. I'm not supposed to be embarrassed to have a dream, right?

Mr. L.A. told me that if I don't get an internship over the summer, then there will never be any chance of getting into Hollywood. He kept emphasizing that I should look into one, which wasn't helpful. I DO want to get one. I even know WHICH ONE. It's just GETTING it that will be the problem. He told me he only got the internships he did because his brother was working out there and he had connections. It's all about who you know; I knew this. Mr. L.A. told me twenty times that this was the case. This might make it harder for me. But going in, it's a risk I have to take. If I don't get this internship in L.A.  - the only one I really want - well, then I won't be working there. Fine. I get it. I'm not so wet behind the ears to think that things are just going to handed over to me, that things are going to be easy, that I'm not going to have to put up a fight for everything. Clearly, Mr. L.A. doesn't understand that I've spent a better part of my life fighting for things in one way or another. I'm not just another empty-headed dreamer. I'm a pensive dreamer who's not afraid to get her hands dirty. But I'm also not afraid to stand up for who I am and resist to the pressure to become something I'm not. So if I don't belong out there, okay. I'll have lived and learned.

Regardless, I am feeling way WAY better than I did this morning. Despite the fact that I told Mr. L.A. I wasn't going to have any second thoughts, I totally did (because when you get the perception that Hollywood is full of people like him, you can understand why I would run the other direction). But I REALLY want to do it. And after talking to the CSCL grad student, I feel like I'm not selling my soul or committing to something I don't want to do (which was for some reason the vibe I was getting from the other guy). It's a risk - but a risk I want to take. And I need to think positively - realistically, but positively. Which means a hell of a lot more of this :D -

Doubt, Blogging, and Life

Sometimes I don't know why I write this blog. Here lately I've begun to wonder if it's just a waste of time. It's not academic, nobody really wants to hear me talking about my life, how great I think Torchwood is, how I'm obsessed with British culture and Byronic heroes. Sometimes I wonder why I thought this was a good idea in the first place.

This, of course, comes up because I'm terrified that I'm doing things wrong. My whole life, I've worked for I don't know what... and it's terrifying to recognize that. I'm here in school, basically marking time now until I graduate and trying to find things that set me up and make me look distinctive for an internship that I, until recently, have only dreamed about getting. Well, am still dreaming about getting. I can see it in my own reality... it just seems too fantastic. I think of it as the impossible dream for a reason. But I don't know what I'm doing. If things don't work out, what am I left with? Is blogging really every going to pay off? What if I never finish writing any of the countless things I've started? What if I don't get any internships and graduate with no idea of what I want to do in life?

These questions really start to bog me down, especially after the event I just experienced. I was supposed to let the roofer into the apartment building to do some maintenance, I couldn't find him anywhere. I couldn't call him back because I didn't have his number and, when I did get his number, it was an hour after I was supposed to meet him and I'd already spent a half an hour walking around the outside of the building looking for him. Apparently he was there for about five minutes and left so it totally wasn't my fault. BUT I WAS PISSED. It made me feel so small, so powerless. This job is already rough sometimes because every once in a while, I get the feeling that people don't believe we can actually do this job because we're women. And then I feel like I just can't do this job because I'm 20 years old and I don't exactly look like a manager. And then I just feel like shit. So basically I was just pissed off about being treated like shit. And suddenly, all the things that had made my day good seemed unimportant and trivial. So what if Jules, my CSCL advisor, said that there's absolutely no reason not to try for the Late Late Show internship? So what if I overcame the bystander affect we were talking about in psych class and didn't assume that someone was going to return the key I found in the bathroom and instead returned said key to a very grateful woman in the writing center? So what if I feel like I'm actually going to have an interesting (if totally embarrassing) Nanowrimo story this year? So what if I totally have a celebrity crush on John Barrowman and dream about working for Craig Ferguson and want to be a famous writer? None of that matters because I suck at my job and no one respects me and no one cares about me and I fail at life. At least that's how I felt until I had a little cry, vented to [Львица] and listened to the title song from the musical "Sunset Boulevard" because it's been stuck in my head all day (again, showtunes invading my mind...)

Clearly, I don't suck at my job, people respect me, people care about me and I don't fail at life. But it's hard to think about and appreciate all the things I've accomplished when so many things I want are just... so lofty. I don't think I'm an egotist, I just think I ask a lot out of life. But when am I asking too much? But I so, so so much want to believe this:

Why shouldn't I? Why shouldn't I be allowed to dream crazy dreams? Why shouldn't I be allowed to try for something incredible? The real trick to all this is keeping my hopes up without getting to overconfident and then totally destroying and disappointing myself. But why shouldn't I at least dream about interviewing, getting the internship, meeting celebrities, just a little bit? It keeps me motivated. It keeps me positive. It keeps me sane.

Sometimes I feel like I should be doing more than what I am to prepare myself - working at some job half the time or leading some student government position or something. But some of those things aren't who I am. And there is only so much I can do in the time that has been given to me. Which is a frightening, staggering thought on many levels... though it's got a nice Lord of the Rings vibe to it. Yes, I don't have much time left before I graduate, before that deadline for the internship is due, before I have to decided what I'm going to do with my life before I kick the bucket and accept that mortality is a fact of life. Unless you're Jack Harkness, of course. But on that plus side, I shouldn't make myself do things I don't really want to do or give up things that truly matter to me. I'm going to run out and overwork myself and let my grades suffer just to impress someone. I'm not going to get involved with something I don't really care about. I'm not going to give up blogging just because I don't have that many followers or I feel like no one cares what I think or because Blogger will never recommend it to anyone and pretends this page doesn't exist.  I don't blog for anyone, exactly - I blog because I can. I blog because I enjoy it. I blog for me.

Because when things get rough, it's nice to know that I have this thing, this creation of mine to fall back on. It's a nice comfort. Not to mention I'm finally happy with how the layout looks.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm to stop blogging for a while and go write the worst romance novel ever written and stop being such a gloomy schmuck. Ridiculous sappy storyline - Go!

The Impossible Dream Returns!

I have a confession to make.

I am a dreamer.

You probably know this by now. Perhaps there is some essence of "dreamerism" that pervades my writing. Or because I write about the possibility of Nicholas Cage being a vampire without really addressing the point that vampires PROBABLY AREN'T REAL.

I'm also a Scorpio. I think being a dreamer is just a side effect.

Um... maybe we feign interest because we're daydreaming?

Anyway, point is, I have ridiculous hopes and expectations. Many of which I am  my rational side and my dreamy side are constantly fighting over. And things get complicated.

I actually started blogging last summer (the summer before sophomore year) because I decided I wanted to try to get an internship on the Late Late Show. And I thought blogging would be a good way to build my resume. Except that blog kind of died out when school started up again AND I HAD TO BLOG FOR CLASS. It made me a better blogger (I hope) but it also kept me from doing personal writing for a while. And then I had the idea that I wanted to go for grad school for Cultural Studies.

And then I surrounded myself with grad students in a lecture about Hegel and realized that GRAD SCHOOL WOULD KILL ME. So I spent the rest of the year trying not to die (never take 18 credits that involve two night classes - EVER) - and I created this blog. Which is now being used for various nefarious purposes.

And then, after seeing Craig Ferguson live, I realized that I AM TOTALLY STUPID. I stopped thinking about the internship only because no one seemed to think it was possible, that no one seemed to believe I was able to do it (*cough, [X],* *cough, [novel killer]*). Would I like to work in television? I think so. Would I like to work for the funniest comedian in existence? Hell yes!

Do I have the right major for this sort of thing? Who cares! After dropping in at Radio K (which is as close to working for television as I'm going to get around here; not the same but the same general idea at least) I learned that half the volunteers are at least CSCL minors and I already ran into a few fellow psych majors. Do I have enough job experience? Well, thanks to this little run with the apartment, maybe so. Do I have any idea what L.A. is like? Fuck no.

Which is probably going to be my biggest problem.

I'm not the sort of person who ever dreamed of going to L.A. or running of to make it big in Hollywood. My yearning for fame always came from book writing. And music. And acting in the theater. Those sort of ridiculous things. Not Hollywood.

So it's strange for me, to say the least, to actually want to go to Hollywood now. Although it's not really the location - it's the show. It's so rare for me to find something that I really, really intensely like. I might be passionate, but only regarding a few selected things. Like 19th Regency romance novels. Stories involving life at sea. Scotland. Complicated psychological dramas that often involve sci-fi/fantasy themes. Things that I keep bringing up again and again and again... I mean, I like many things. But there are only a few certain things that I REALLY REALLY LIKE.  Thus it probably is for most people.

Anyway, my long-winded point is, I am sometimes incredibly picky. Especially regarding humor. The fact that I can watch Craig Ferguson and that he always makes me laugh seem to be a sign that he is, at least, a demi-god.

Seriously, I love humor, it's like my favorite genre of... life - but I am SO PICKY. I'm one of those people who can sit in a theater and watch a comedic film and not laugh at anything (exactly how I felt when I saw Bridesmaids. But I'm wondering if that had to do with extenuating circumstances). I have watched George Lopez and David Letterman and not even smiled. Generally, I like Monty Python, but The Life of Brian just made me uncomfortable. Maybe because I was watching it with [hahahaha SHUT UP].

So it makes me really happy that the Late Late Show is something I: A) find funny, B) can relate to, C) is the most un-L.A. thing in L.A. and D) something I feel like I could be a part of. Thus, the impossible dream.

A little Broadway, a little Sinatra - FOR THE WIN.

Of course, there are some difficulties with this whole crazy plan:

1) The intership would have to happen next summer. Or I would have to decide to add an extra year of school - thus a five year degree. Which means more money spent on college.

2) I would have to make sure the U actually will allow me to get credit for this internship. Otherwise I can't do it.

3) I would have to have AN AMAZING RESUME AND NOT FUCKING GET NERVOUS AND MAKE MYSELF LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.

4) I would probably have to learn how to drive, since transportation around L.A. sucks.

5) I would have to figure out where the hell I'd be staying in a town I've never been to.

Oh, yeah, and this....

6) I WOULD ACTUALLY HAVE TO GET THE BLOODY INTERNSHIP IN THE FIRST PLACE.

The requirements seem pretty loose; they don't make any mention of needing any previous experience in TV. But I have no idea what I'm competing against. Maybe all TV interns just want to go to the Daily Show or the Colbert Report and so it won't be as competitive as it could be. But then I think about all the kids who are majoring in communications - and all the ones who aren't - that would totally love to do this. AND I FEEL TOTALLY FUCKED.

But I am not giving up. NOT THIS TIME.  I'm going to go for it. It's what I want to do - the only thing I really want to do, other than write and blog and watch movies and British TV shows and talk about hipster music. So what if it's a big mistake? I've got a lot more to make (thank you, Gossip Grows on Trees, for that awesome line. For that, I shall introduce you to Radio K).