Just the other day, I had this dream that [X] was going to propose to her boyfriend. And what do I see on Monday when I log on to Facebook between classes? That she's broken up with him.
I have to admit, I was surprised. I mean, she went back and forth in her words about their relationship, but it seemed like she was planning on the long haul (but honestly, who doesn't?) Just over the summer she was talking about grad school in Milwaukee to be near him.
And yet another relationship ends. He was her first boyfriend, after all, but still... it didn't even last a year. The only two people I know well who aren't single are [shortage of perfect breasts] and [action is eloquence] - a friend I made in the early years of high school who is getting married(!!!). And, according to [X], [shortage of perfect breasts] is still with her boyfriend only because she's settled for her current boyfriend because she doesn't think she can do better.
Other than [action is eloquence], not much of this is very encouraging for one who has yet to enter the realm of dating. The whole endeavor begins to look rather futile and impossible. Also, everyone has chosen this week to complain about how alone they are in the world and say that love doesn't really exist. But I refuse to believe that.
I will not give into the cynical. I will stand my ground. I believe in romance. Despite all odds.
Cue the triumphant trumpet fanfare! Release the doves and sprinkle glitter everywhere! I know this may sound hokey. I know this may sound repetitive. But I need to remind myself of this stuff and not get all hopeless and give up.
You see, I've rarely seen people make love a priority in the life. No where outside a romance novel, at least. And in romance novels, it borders on absurd, because nothing else matters - hell, the plot doesn't even matter except for the relationship between the two main characters. But that's not what I mean here. What I mean, is, it's rare that I've seen love regarded seriously in my age group - being more important than school, more important than work, more important than the trials of everyday life, for just a minute in their days. Maybe I've spent too much time around [X] - she once told me that love made her feel bad, weak, out of control. Of course, that was reciprocated love (which I too have felt... and yeah, that's actually true). As for mutual love - well, I can't speak for that, but I certainly hope her opinion is different now. When I talked about crushes (in high school, that is - I wasn't as close to [Львица] as I am now) I always felt like people (meaning [X] and [novel killer]) thought I was just being silly and never seemed to treat my crushes with same importance they treated theirs. Even with [No-Mr-Darcy] I felt a somewhat lack of sincerity. Perhaps it's because I've had a lot of star crushes (Heath Ledger, Paul Bettany, Ewan McGregor, John Barrowman, you get the idea...) that they just don't take me seriously. Have I had an unusual amount of star crushes? I don't know... but I digress. Again.
Originally over Thanksgiving Break, [X] invited me to go along with her to interview [action is eloquence] about her work as a photographer for some class that [X] is in. I was kind of excited about it - I mean, I have my issues with [X] but we can have really good heart to hearts and I was hoping to maybe talk honestly about what happened this summer (and once and for all put the cap on this whole jar of [No-Mr-Darcy] business. God does that feel like a light year ago...). But then I didn't hear anything from her and I saw the thing about the break-up on Facebook and I told her via comment on the relationship status (wow, how personal of me) that I was hear for her if she wanted to talk.
Nothing. Not a word. Her ex has been babbling away on Facebook like nothing happened. And she hasn't been online at all. I wonder if he broke up with her... He is living with his ex-girlfriend. Yikes.
Okay, okay, gossipy speculation not important. What is important is that not all things are bleak. Though there is a somewhat dim history of relationships with my high school friends: [foxy lady] dated a douchebag for way too long, and [shortage of perfect breasts] has "settled" for a guy who won't accept my friend request on Facebook (what did I do to you?! We've met like four times and we had a conversation about Torchwood and Doctor Who! Okay, so it was more like you said something, [shortage of perfect breasts] said something, I said something, [shortage of perfect breasts] said something, you said something, etc but STILL. Why?!) [tiny dancer] has had her fair share of hardships with boys (somewhat thanks to [shortage of perfect breasts]? 'Tis a rumor. And another story) and [uber gay] has dated more men than the rest of us combined and seemed to have gotten pretty badly upset by his boyfriend breaking up with him (a first - usually he does the breaking off). [mind ninja] has had problems, as has [the artist] who loved a man who can never be hers. And [it's a twin thing] - well, neither of them have shown much interest in dating. And then [novel killer] likes to complain about her ex-boyfriend from high school and dreams of the Spaniard from London but also makes out with [musical queen] in her spare time (which is described by [musical queen] like Santana and Britney from Glee. OK...) (By the way, I will be shot for having this knowledge. Just an FYI). And of course, [musical queen] has her own dating issues too. And [wolf woman] - who knows. I don't really know her any more, honestly. And of course [Львица] has had major ups and downs. And then that brings in [The Question]. And... and... and...
You get the picture.
Of course, that's NOT to say everyone around me has only had totally depressing relationships. [shortage of perfect breasts] seems happy. [Львица] and [The Question] have taught me more about relationships without their knowing it than I ever thought I could learn without actually being in one (so... weirdly enough, thanks guys). All of these guys and gals above have thousands of opportunities before them. They are all great, wonderful people. There is absolutely no reason why they shouldn't find somebody out there in this wide, wide world.
It's so easy to see how wonderful everyone else is, but when I think about myself, I can't say I easily think those things about myself. I see how other people act in relationships and I wonder how that could ever be possible for me. Sometimes I wonder if it wouldn't just be easier to be like my friend [amante della musica] who just seems to have a really close gay guy friend, like Will and Grace, than trying to understand the modern dating world, which totally baffles me (maybe I should have been reading Cosmo in my teen years instead of Jane Austin, to at least help me understand what's going on, instead of the sort of culture shock I seem to find myself in).
This whole conversation, however, leads me utterly off topic. Let's save this for another time, shall we?
The good news is, I'm officially playing flute at a wedding - at [action is eloquence]'s. She's the first of my high school friends to get married, and though it seems a little strange (she's only a year older than me! Marriage - ahhhh!) for her it seems right. She acts far older than her young age and she and her fiance have been together for several years. Also, she just seems... ready. Unlike my cousin who just seemed to do it for paternal obligations. [action is eloquence] is doing it because she really loves her boyfriend.
You feel that warm, flickering feeling like a tea light candle? That's called hope.
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