The frenzy at the end of summer, or: reality sucks

So I got this text yesterday, from [X], who I honestly wasn't expecting to hear anything from for the rest of the summer:

Hey, I'm en route to {school} and I just wanted to say I'm sorry we haven't hung out or talked in a while... Things have been CRAZY with me and I'm sure you've been busy too. I just wanted to say good luck this year, I'm thinking about you, and stay in touch :)

All of this right after I was debating whether or not to message her about how her trip to Chicago, or whether or not she ever read the message I wrote to her about how things with [No-Mr-Darcy] panned out. Or whether she's stumbled across this blog and now hates me (I do have a link to this on my Facebook account, but considering most people don't look at my profile, I didn't think much of it. Though according to the stats on Blogger, people have used Facebook to look at my blog... but who? Maybe I'm just being paranoid...)

I wish things were simpler, like in kindergarten. Back then, you liked people or you didn't like people. You got along with some kids and not with others. But now... now I seriously get along with like three people from high school. What the hell happened?


I could blame my poor communication skills but I don't think I'm THAT bad at communicating. The problem is we've all gotten to the point where we don't talk to each other anymore because we've grown apart. But we're all in denial of this. And I used to get along really well with people like [X]. But now when I talk to her, I no longer know who I'm dealing with - am I talking to the [X] I knew from high school? In Scotland? The person she is around [novel killer]? The person she is around her friends at school?

Who am I? Have I changed that much? How do I reconcile who I am (which feels like who I've always been) with who people think I am? How do I tell [X] that when I said I wanted to stay in touch this year, I thought that meant things were going to be all peachy this summer - and they weren't, exactly? Should I even tell her I've been upset or do I just swallow my anger like I have before? Do I bring up [No-Mr-Darcy] and criticize her for her hot and cold advice? Or do I let something that's definitely over just drop?

How do I even talk to her now? I want to... I think. But HOW? Things are so weird that I feel angry and abandoned and guilty all at the same time. How the hell do I get out of this?

Who the fuck knows? I was glad about school starting, but now, everything is just starting to build up in to insanity. I was looking forward to moving into the apartment, but now that I'm beginning to pack, I'm worried that the building is not going to be as spectacular as it seemed. Also, seeing the mass amount of shit I need, I feel like I have way too much stuff and I kind of want to run away and live in the forest with the most minimal stuff possible. Which means this blog would fail, and right now, it's the only thing keeping me sane other than my mother and [Львица].

I'm flipping out about school again, as I always do at this time of year. Mainly because I'm not doing any internships or work study or super-majorly involved in any clubs. And according to one of my advisers, CSCL students should try to do at least 2-3 internships before they graduate. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I need to sleep sometime, and eat and KEEP MY GRADES UP. I'm a double major anyway, so that's more classes to get in and the U still expects me to graduate in 4 years. And I don't know what sort of internship I want to do. I just want to write books, dammit. I'm not the sort of person who's going to risk their health and happiness just so their resume is twenty times better than everyone else's. Yes, I want a job, a good job, a job that makes me happy. But I'm not going to sell my soul to get it - and that includes doing NOTHING but work.

Also, a bunch of people of the male persuasion are being bizarre on Facebook now that school has started... but more about that in another post.

A DJ on Cities 97 today describe this time of year as "the frenzy at the end of summer." Indeed it is. It's the part where you're rushing around, doing all of this stuff and realizing that your blissful summer paradise is gone and that yes, you have to go back to school/work/reality and that we now have to come to terms with the fact that all the stuff we'd hoped for in summer probably isn't going to happen. I haven't finished writing anything (except a jillion blog posts - there is that), I still have no plans for the future, I'm still pissed off about all the stuff I was pissed off about last spring. But you know what? For some reason, I feel two million times better when I see this video:

That's right, Bertie. Don't let the bastards get you down.