St. Andrew's Cross

It’s been nearly three months since I crossed the pond for my summer seminar in Scotland, the third time I’ve been abroad and the best experience yet, but I really haven’t stopped thinking about it. It’s a bit troubling really. Fish and chips sounds utterly unappetizing, due to the quantity I ate there. American cities seem less complex and, well, deep after the complex layering of history in Edinburgh. And, yes, I miss the ability to go out and have a pint in the evenings.

More than that, it’s the mentality of that trip that I miss. I felt like I could do anything, say anything, be myself for this first in a long while. I didn’t worry about grades or being academically perfect (well, not too much), I didn’t worry extensively about my friends or other relationship matters, feeling that everything would be just peachy when I returned home. I didn’t worry about economic affairs (other than trying not to spend too many pounds on hard cider) or the political issues going on in the US. I didn’t let my typical introverted nature take hold and I felt like I had absolute freedom.

Now, here I am, feeling like the entire trip was a dream. With all the work done and grades returned, I feel like I didn’t get what I expected from the course. Some of my friendships are back on the rocks, exactly where they were before Scotland and, despite my attempts at nurturing them, are actually getting worse. I’m still single – but that’s a topic for another day (there’s too many weird complexities in that pathetic little tale to convey here). I am terrified about the economic crisis in the US and I have no idea what the hell I want to do after college. I’m not introverted as much as I used to be, but I feel like I’m constantly disappointing people and absolute freedom is simply a hope for the future.

Perhaps that’s what is lacking now in my return. I has such hope for my summer, for the rest of year, and now just feel burnt out. There’s something about traveling that inspires renewal for me, with this trip in particular. I’d wanted to go to Scotland ever since I was a freshman in high school and that dream finally came true. And it was exactly what I’d hoped for – in fact even better. There’s no point in trying to describe the lushness of the glens and the awe-inspiring buildings in the cities and the absolute beauty of the Highlands. I simply don’t have the words to do it. But it was like something out of my dreams and, for once, all of my other thoughts in life streamlined into this one dream – thoughts on life, love, learning, you get the idea. It was the journey of a lifetime.

And now that I’ve returned home, fallen back into the ennui summers has brought since I graduated from high school, I feel like I’ve woke up from a dream and felt lost in an aftermath of… well, reality. Traveling didn’t change my life – but it did change me. And it’s the struggle to integrate that me back into my life. Journeys don’t end when the travelers return home – it’s only the beginning of another expedition.