Today, I went to mass. Being the weird, semi-Catholic that I am, I for unknown reasons get the urge to go to church about the time Advent rolls around. It's a comfort thing, I think - looking for hope in the approaching winter, looking for a way to de-stress in the looming doom of finals. The hope that maybe, just maybe, I will have a break-through and everything about life will suddenly make sense. I also had an ulterior motive for going today - after several decades of using the same service, the Papacy decided that this weekend, the first of a new liturgical year, would be the time to premiere a new liturgy.
A quick word on the liturgy - it's the prayers the Catholic church uses, the responses the congregation says to the priest, the stuff that's based off the traditional Latin mass. I was aware about the changes, due to articles such as this and this. It's supposed to be closer to the original Latin wording, yet people say it's not a great improvement. But I tried to keep an open mind - I really did.
It totally sucked. Not just because everything I'd memorized over the last 20 years was kind of worthless now. Not just because it made the entire mass seem awkward. Not even because it the wording was poor and not at all the smooth, flowing prose I was used to. I mean, all of that could be fixed with repetition and getting used to the new words. No, I was mad because of all of the changes that the Church could be making, THEY CHOOSE THIS.
To add insult to injury, the church we usually go to, the Basilica of St. Mary's, did not have their usual pastor there (a very friendly fellow who, from the middle row of pews looks very much like Phillip Seymour Hoffman). No, we had a priest from Duluth, who had been there before and sang his praises about President Obama. That was very awkward then - Obama had just recently become president and won the Nobel Peace Price for unclear reasons. And Obama had nothing to do with the week's homily. I really don't care what a priest's political opinion is. But the homily - the sermon, the bit where the priest is supposed to connect the Bible reading to everyday life - generally shouldn't be a time for you to out your political platform for no good reason. This week, the visiting priest decided he should tie in the OWS protestors to the wait for Jesus to return. I didn't get it. At all. I think he was trying to make the argument that being supportive of the poor is not inherently Bolshevik or liberal and that questioning the way things are, the systems we're in, is something the Church has been doing for centuries, something Jesus did. And that's when I lost it.
For those of you who have never been inside a Catholic church, here's what the interior of St. Mary's looks like:
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| http://www.katiemoos.com/albums/blog/20080114/0012.jpg |
Because it's so much easier to talk the talk than walk the walk.
Religion comes easily to some people. I am not one of those people. I've had critical thinking in my life since day one - and because of that, I am overly critical about EVERYTHING. Have I doubted the existence of God? Yes, often. Do I believe in the kingdom of God? Bad question - it's recently occurred to me that I've never thought of God as a king. I'm American - the monarchical associations really don't set well with me (in fact, during mass, when we're supposed to bow during the presentation of the host, I thought to myself, I bow for no man! But I digress...) Do I think that, because the pope is supposed to be a conduit thru which God talks to us that he's always right? The man doesn't understand how condoms work - so NO (seriously, he previously said they spread AIDS. Check it out here). Perhaps it's not that religion doesn't come easily to me - it's that blind faith doesn't. Because I certainly don't have blind faith at all.
I cannot have 100% trust in the Catholic church because I disagree with so many things they do. They are hypocritical to the point of being painful. The priest up there today was talking about equality and I'm back there in the pews thinking about how unequal the Church is - how women can't be priests, how homosexuals are condemned, how until rather recently divorcees were excommunicated. The priest is talking about the important political issues he thinks that the Republicans are refusing to talk about while I know once, ONLY ONCE out of the several hundred times I've been to church in the last few years, I've only heard ONE priest (the Phillip Seymour Hoffman look-alike, actually) accept that: A) the Catholic church has a problem with pedophilia among their priests, B) this issue is a BIG DAMN DEAL and has been kept quiet, and C) something should be done about it. So go ahead and talk about issue that deserve better coverage - I'll keep in mind why you have no right to throw stones from glass houses. And of all the things the Church could have changed - rules about the celibacy of priests, rules about women being allowed in the priesthood, any of the number of huge issues in the Church, they change the wording of the Liturgy. Really, guys? Really?
What made me saddest, I think, is looking around at the kind, sweet people around me, stumbling through the new Liturgy, doing their best to sing choral music, trying not to twitch as the Homily stretched past fifteen minutes, and realizing: THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER. They deserve more than a Church that's on the divide - trying to keep old members and recruit new members at the same time. Trying to resist becoming modern by making changes to reflect the old Latin. Seeing change as something that is done for long-term, divine reasons, not for present, bodily circumstances. Preaching socialistic or liberal views while the overall structure is incredibly conservative and sovereign. Communism versus monarchy. Black and white. Forgetting that there are so, so many shades of grey in-between.
That's the problem with this divide in the Church - the priests are no longer preaching what the pope says. Which is great, I think - I mean, I totally believe that priests should be allowed to say what they think. But the thing is, I don't know what the Catholic church IS any more. Is it what I see in the Papacy? Is it what I see with the priests - totally individuated and unique, depending on who's doing the service? I feel like there must be a way to reconcile the two, to allow for freedom of expression yet still keeping a cohesive continuity together, without all of this political squabbling. Of course, I have no idea what that might be. The Church is totally built off sovereignty - but it also has a more recent history of Socialist connections. And I feel like it's not working. I feel like people aren't happy about this, that it's just causing hypocrisy. I mean, there's only so many times I can say, "It's just one man's opinion, it's just want one priest says" or "I don't have to agree with the pope" without feeling like I don't belong. There's only so many times I can walk out of mass feeling angry and upset and betrayed.
I'm thinking about going to Lutheran service sometime soon - I mean, I've already gotten the whole "I'm mad at hypocrisy and I'm mad at the pope!" thing down pretty well. But I also think that maybe I'm not meant for organized religion. I really love going to mass - the tradition and ceremony of it is comforting. But the politics driving it really bothers me - maybe because it's a battle that's becoming more and more obvious and I don't want to have to take a side. I'm not a socialist, I'm don't put my faith in the sovereign, I'm not a very good capitalist (well, it depends on your definition of capitalist. I'm not a very good capitalist as defined by a cursory look at Wall Street). It seems that I might just believe in The Theory of Moral Sentiments by Adam Smith (yes, THAT Adam Smith - he's not just an economist, Wall Street people and OWSers. I believe he deserves a huge second look) (I also realize I should really discuss my perception of politics sometime. But not here - this damn long enough). And despite our efforts to separate church and state, one has to admit that religion is pretty damn political in many ways. So maybe, being the weird person that I am (a moral sentimenter and a reverent agnostic-Catholic mess) I should just stop pissing myself off and going to mass. And yet at Christmas, I just keep finding myself drawn back to those cool stone walls, that scent of spicy incense and the guttural rumble of the organ, the haunting glimmering stained glass - and thus I put myself through it all over again.
Maybe I'm a hypocrite too.
As a bad Catholic myself, I don't think you're being a hypocrite. I spent most of my life surrounded by Catholics, being raised in a Catholic family and educated in Catholic schools, and I have met very few who whole-heartedly support the Church hierarchy. I don't think blind faith comes naturally to most people, and the cognitive dissonance you describe is a pretty common phenomenon, I think, at least among the liberal, educated Catholics that have made up most of my experience with the Church. People go to mass because of the comfort it brings them to be surrounded by like minded people and Tradition, like you said, not because of anything the Pope or his Cardinals say. I think that the American Catholic Church is trending away from the Vatican, as much as it can. I could talk about the Church all day, so I'll just leave it at that for now.
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