OH MY GOD. I AM SOOOOOOOO NAIVE.
I'm so naive a guy I just talked to on the phone whom I haven't even meant can tell I know NOTHING about Hollywood. I'm pretty sure I just made the biggest fool of myself in my entire life and even if I have any possibility of retaining any respectability, I doubt he will ever take me seriously because I'm certain he already thinks I am probably part of that 98% who will run back home from Hollywood, crying my eyes out.
Let me explain.
The other day, I went in to talk to my advisor for Cultural Studies, Jules. She recommended that I message two people that have graduated from the U who are now working in L.A. I did so and heard back from one of them pretty quickly. He gave me his phone number and I called him tonight... well, it's tomorrow now. Even though it's only 10:19 pm in California. Stupid...
Anyway, I gave a brief run-down of my life (not very interesting, I admit). I told him that I really want to intern on the Late Late Show. I told him, though I was embarrassed, that when I was little I used to pretend that I have my own talk show. He told me there was nothing embarrassing about having a dream. I suddenly felt better about life.
The idiocy on my part was to come next. He told me how there's this thing called the UTA job list, which lists a bunch of available jobs in Hollywood. Except it's way more epic than that. Which I didn't fully understand until he described it later, after he'd already offered to email to me but then decided that I wasn't "that excited about it." Problem number one. When he did re-explain the UTA job list, it made me feel like a major asswipe for NOT being more excited about it. Because it's basically something only Hollywood executives get. It does get spread around in other ways, obviously, but most people don't see it until two or three weeks until after it's been released, which doesn't help much. So it's a big damn deal... and I failed to comprehend this on first description and was just like, "yeah, that'd be great." That's like saying, "yeah, that'd be great to have the codes to the nuclear football."
In my defense, I am really fucking tired today. But I feel like that excuse stopped being valid the moment I started my freshman year.
So there's that fail. And then as he went on to describe Hollywood and I compared it to Sunset Boulevard, I probably epically failed again. Because this movie probably glamorizes the unglamorous of Hollywood. Which means I just expressed that I'm a total moron. I'm cringing in my chair just thinking about this... I should never, ever converse on the phone, EVER. It always goes badly.
On my part, it did catch me off-guard that he didn't think I knew anything about Hollywood. I do know that it's not glamorous. I know that it's not exactly beautiful. What I didn't know is that it's a disgustingly UGLY place (or so he stated). I know it's competitive. I know I'm more likely to fail than succeed. I know it's all about who you know. What I didn't think about in context to myself is that there are thousands of people, less lucky, less well-off than me, who are going there everyday, working longer than I will, kissing ass as much as they have to get what they want. I know that people are better than me. I know that I have to really fight for what I want. But fight with what? Better at what? How do I keep from becoming Joe Gillis? Am I already Joe Gillis? Did I just talk to Joe Gillis?
I'm beginning not to make sense... this means it's time to shut up and to go to bed. More about this tomorrow... later. Whatever. You know what I mean.
Well, it's been like 16 hours since I wrote this and I am feeling much, much better about the world. I talked to a grad student in the CSCL department who has worked on the set of "I am Legend" and is pretty much amazing. She was much friendlier and far more helpful than the guy from last night was. In fact, when I told her that he said that 98% of the people who go out to L.A. come home crying, she replied, "He sounds like he's gone totally L.A."
My thoughts exactly.
She was really excited that I was interested in working for the Late Late Show and seemed really positive about it. A bit bitter about film school (apparently a lot of frat-boy wanna-bes show up there thinking they're the next Spielberg) but not at all saying it's going to be hell. Yeah, it'll be a lot of hours and it'll be a lot of work, but if I volunteer first to do thing, really get involved, show I care - they'll be no problems. She said most everyone she knows who have done things like that have gotten jobs out it. She also recognized that I want to go out there for WRITING not... whatever Mr. L.A. automatically assumed I wanted... directing? Producing? I couldn't really tell. She says that writing is a very different field than other parts of the entertainment industry there. And she hadn't heard of the UTA list; she said it was probably, "just a job list." Not the be-all, end-all of my existence. So see if I call Mr. L.A. back wanting it... Like I'd call him back anyway.
The problem of the conversation with Mr. L.A. was that he assumed a lot of things about me. Now, I can't say that he looked at my Facebook account - probably not, he seemed like the super-busy, pretty self-interested sort - but he totally made a lot of off-hand comments that may not have necessarily applied. He assumed I was Minnesotan. I am, but I haven't lived here my entire life. And I'm not sheltered and inexperienced, if that's what he was trying to say with that comment. He assumed that I hadn't been through much hardship or ever worked super hard - both valid and invalid. He seemed to think I couldn't see myself making mistakes or totally failing. Um, really? That's everyday of my fucking LIFE, dude. I make mistakes at a rather high rate. And you fail more than you win in Hollywood? Such is life. He automatically figured I didn't know anything about Hollywood and how competitive it is. Maybe he just wanted to gloat a bit about how much work he's put forth and complain about how shitty people treat him there. He said he was doing what he wanted to do... but he didn't exactly sound happy to me. And this coming from the guy who thought I wasn't excited. Hmmm.
I bring up the Joe Gillis mention from Sunset Boulevard again, partly because I can't get the song from the musical out of my head.
Yeah, it's John Barrowman. Shut up, judging voices of the world.
I remember seeing the movie Sunset Boulevard when I was about fourteen or fifteen. It was one of the first classic films I saw and it totally changed my life. I relate to writers - always have, always will. Because I kind of am one. And seeing Joe Gillis, a writer so fundamentally changed by life in Hollywood... well, it stuck with me. And haunted me. And it's been one of my fears, I guess I'm concerned that You think I've sold out/ Dead right I've sold out/ I just keep waiting/ For the right offers will embody all I've become. That I won't care about anything but money. I don't want to be like that. I want to do this because I WANT TO DO THIS. And because I WANT TO DO THIS FOR OTHER PEOPLE. I don't want this becoming all about fame or fortune or my work. I want to do this to make people happy, to entertain them, TO INSPIRE THEM.
Dreamy, yes, but that's how I operate. I'm not supposed to be embarrassed to have a dream, right?
Mr. L.A. told me that if I don't get an internship over the summer, then there will never be any chance of getting into Hollywood. He kept emphasizing that I should look into one, which wasn't helpful. I DO want to get one. I even know WHICH ONE. It's just GETTING it that will be the problem. He told me he only got the internships he did because his brother was working out there and he had connections. It's all about who you know; I knew this. Mr. L.A. told me twenty times that this was the case. This might make it harder for me. But going in, it's a risk I have to take. If I don't get this internship in L.A. - the only one I really want - well, then I won't be working there. Fine. I get it. I'm not so wet behind the ears to think that things are just going to handed over to me, that things are going to be easy, that I'm not going to have to put up a fight for everything. Clearly, Mr. L.A. doesn't understand that I've spent a better part of my life fighting for things in one way or another. I'm not just another empty-headed dreamer. I'm a pensive dreamer who's not afraid to get her hands dirty. But I'm also not afraid to stand up for who I am and resist to the pressure to become something I'm not. So if I don't belong out there, okay. I'll have lived and learned.
Regardless, I am feeling way WAY better than I did this morning. Despite the fact that I told Mr. L.A. I wasn't going to have any second thoughts, I totally did (because when you get the perception that Hollywood is full of people like him, you can understand why I would run the other direction). But I REALLY want to do it. And after talking to the CSCL grad student, I feel like I'm not selling my soul or committing to something I don't want to do (which was for some reason the vibe I was getting from the other guy). It's a risk - but a risk I want to take. And I need to think positively - realistically, but positively. Which means a hell of a lot more of this :D -
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