Family Snapshot

My cousin got married today. Well, I presume he did, because I couldn't actually attend the ceremony.  They changed the date due to getting a location they wanted for cheap right after my parents and I had planned on going (it would have been over fall break for my mom's school so she wouldn't have to take off work). But the sudden, almost last minute change threw us all off and prevented us from making the 11 hour trek down there for an event that would be... well, more than a little awkward.

You see, my cousin - I'll call him [T] - is my age, 20. Actually, I'm nearly 21 and he's five months younger. Last year... or more like a year and a half ago, his girlfriend found out she was pregnant. So at 19 he became a father. They have an adorable little girl but she'll be raised in a strange situation - neither one of them act like parents and, according to my grandmother and aunt, [T]'s girlfriend refuses to learn how to cook and fed the baby formula until she was over a year old. They were planning on getting married next summer but then suddenly they changed their plans when [T]'s girlfriend found out that her sister was getting married too - and she had to get married first. So, in a sudden whirl-wind, they've been planning their wedding since the spring. And today was the big day.


Of course, I'm sure it wasn't without its controversies, I'm sure. My great-uncle thinks [T] has ruined his life. My grandmother was overjoyed about the baby, because she's obsessed with babies, but now that reality has set in, she's not as happy with [T]'s girlfriend - er, fiance - er, wife - as she was before. My aunt is worried that [T] is definitely making a mistake. And my uncle... well, I never hear anything from my uncle. Who knows what he thinks.

My parents aren't happy about it. I think it makes them a bit grateful that I never really caused them any teenage drama. And me... I'm just kind of at a loss. I mean, I want the best for [T] and his fiance - er, wife - but at the same time, they just seem so young. I mean, I try to imagine myself getting married, right now, and I suddenly feel nauseous. Okay, for one, I've never dated anyone, never been kissed, never been asked out, blah blah blah blah blah. For another, I'M TWENTY YEARS OLD. I feel like a child half of the time.  I feel like this:

By the way, I suddenly cannot listen to this song without crying. I don't know if it's PMS, the fact that I listened to it last night and it made me cry and now it's just going to make me cry just because, or the fact that the last time I listened to it was right after we got back from our summer trip to Indiana. When I realized that I was going that my illustrious dreams of finally breaking my single streak was not going to happen. When I realized that things were not magically going to mend amongst my friends. When I realized that, in some fashion, my extend family doesn't know me at all.

I always tear up at the "in your daddy's arms again" line. It makes me think of being little, when things were so much simpler. When I was still cute enough to get unconditional love from my grandmother. Now she doesn't know how to act around me. I wasn't the granddaughter she expected and, after living x-hundred miles away, I've grown up without her around, so we haven't really gotten to get to know each other. Not that she ever really made an effort. I try to talk about things I'm interested in and nobody but my great-uncle and my parents listen. Thus my mother's side of my family really doesn't know anything about me. It's disheartening and upsetting at first - especially with someone like [T] who's so close to me in age and yet we know nothing about each other. We're Facebook friends and that's about it. But I've kind of gotten over it. I know my parents better than most kids do and I'll take that over anything else. Seriously, my parents are really fricken' cool. I know you won't believe me - 'cause seriously, what 20-year-old thinks her parents are cool? - but I really do. I mean it. <3

What was a talking about? "Mercy Street," yes! Just when I need a song to express the fact that I'd really, really just like to be little kid crying in my parents' arms but instead I have to be a strong mature adult and trying to forgive and move on and find mercy in my life, I hear this. So maybe I shouldn't be surprised that it makes me cry.


Because, really, I've grown a lot as a person over the summer. Even if some of the growth was painful. Like hearing my grandmother verbally say she doesn't really know me. And having her be more interested in the fact that I was wearing makeup than hearing me talk about my trip to Scotland. I was really hoping to attend this wedding, as the only I've ever been to was my grandmother's when she got remarried when I was nine or ten. I was hoping that it would give me some chance of getting closer to my extended family. But even if I had gone, it wouldn't have happened. Spending half of my life in Minnesota has changed me. Maybe that's why I feel homesick - I have a Hoosier heart and a Minnesota mind, and I don't really know where I fit in. I want to belong to both places, and yet I can't. I'm a freak amongst my family, I'm a freak amongst the Minnesotans. I'm a black sheep all around.

I can't even talk about being an oddball, as it makes me even weirder. Like anytime I mention my Hoosier roots around [X] she just seems to scoff it off. I bring up my accent and she just shakes her head, citing how a friend of hers at school who grew up at Texas moved at the same time as me and she no longer has her accent. Well, the Texas accent sounds a lot more different to the Minnesotan dialect than the Hoosier - she probably dropped it intentionally so as not to stand out, while mine has just slowly declined because it's more subtle, though still lingering. Hey, the guy at Radio K said I sounded like I had an accent when I said "darlings." I'm gonna trust that. (And hey, did you know people can intentionally drop their accents? Like John Barrowman grew up in Glasgow, Scotland but moved to Joliet, Illinois and concealed his accent so he wouldn't stand out and be made fun of. Which is too bad - everyone at my high school was always going on about how cool British and Scottish accents were. Huh.) Also, [X] has lived in the same town her entire life. Forgive me if I don't think she understands.

Thus it's like I'm a crypto-Hoosier - I feel weird talking about it, because it's my past. But the past is important (and you would think [X] the history fanatic would understand that). And it's becoming more important as I grow older and have events that remind me of events from my time there. Who I was then is still part of who I am now - especially concerning family matters as all of my extended family lives there. And family matters are DEFINITELY becoming more important as I grow up.

So trying to come to terms with my cousin's wedding is... complex. Even more complex than I can possibly explain here. It's going to take some time getting used to the idea of [T] being married, that's for sure. But I feel like sorting this out is the first step to sorting out whatever is going on in my head. This whole summer muddle has gotten me emotionally knotted up and this is certainly part of the knot. I wish I could have been there to better understand why [T] and his fiance decided why this was it, that they wanted to get married. But I don't think being there would have given me any answers. Maybe they really do love each other. Maybe they only think they do. Who knows. I wish them all the best, none the less. Life is full of uncertainty and mystery - and I had better get used to it. Especially in the realm of families.