So here I am, once again, unable to sleep. Sitting in front of my computer in my dark apartment, listening to the fan blowing semi-cool air around the room, hearing the background buzz of traffic whisk by and feeling my eyes slowly droop and my mouth suppressing a yawn. I should definitely be sleeping. Except that my subconscious chose this relatively quiet Friday night to torture me.
It started the other day with a dream. A very stupid dream. It was about Scotland again, or at least the group from Scotland. Where exactly we were, I wasn't sure. All I know is that I was talking to [No-Mr-Darcy] and he was giving me the total cold shoulder and I couldn't figure out why. Then I was talking to this guy that sort of looked like Alan Cummings (why do people who vaguely look like celebrities keep appearing in my dreams? What is this? Some sort of symbol of how media-saturated my life is?) about why in the heck [No-Mr-Darcy] was avoiding me. And then I was making out with Alan Cummings look-alike. And then he was like, "Well, duh, maybe that's why the dude's avoiding you, because you'll make out with anyone. You're a moron." And then I woke up. Shitty, right?
I can probably explain where my subconscious fear of sluttiness came from. Since August, I feel like every guy I've walked past I appraise as a possible boyfriend (okay, not every boy, but I've used the term "hot" more often than I ever have before in my life. Maybe I'm just becoming more aware of attractive men. Or maybe I'm just being a jerk and objectifying them). I feel like now that I'm still beating myself (and [No-Mr-Darcy]) up about this whole awkward summer thing that now I'm just looking for any guy, that any guy will do, just in the desperate hope that someone will like me. Which his totally not what I want to be doing. I DON'T need a boyfriend. I AM happy being single. But Jesus Christ, I thought I was over this whole [No-Mr-Darcy] thing. I stopped talking about it. I was fine with it. But then I got really angry at him. And then I had that dream.
And then I saw HIM - [tedesco]. A guy I fancied I... well, fancied. I ran into him shortly after school started and, though it wasn't as awkward as it might have been, it reminded me of how much I cared about [tedesco] last spring. And reminded me that he too had been in one of my recent dreams.
Somehow, this is all leaving me feeling very bizarre. I feel like shit about how things turned out with [No-Mr-Darcy] and that, even if I want to be friends with him, I don't know what to do now. I want to ask X if he's mentioned me, said anything about me... but I don't know if it's worth it. What good would it do? Nothing would come of it. It would probably just hurt me more. And yet I keep mulling over it in my mind, not able to let go until I know. He's caught up with all the other guys I've thought I liked, fictional, real, unattainable, gay - WHATEVER - and I can't seem to get any of them out of my head at the moment. It makes me feel sort of shamed at all the ones I've foolishly fallen for and how it's come to little more than nothing. Of course, I have to remind myself that it's also one in the morning and I often get rather stupidly glum when I haven't slept.
Maybe all I need is a good, solid sleep and I'll feel better in the morning. I probably won't have any more answers than I do now, but at least I'll be able to look back on this post and remark, "What was I thinking?"
And if I don't say that... well, I'll figure that out in the daylight.
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